Rush

I couldn’t stop the tears from falling as I climbed into my car that night. I hadn’t realised how much I had truly loved him, until it was too late. I wanted to move on, to try something else, to do what I was sure that he wanted. We both knew it would never work between us but holy shit the pain in my chest as I sat in my car weeping was too much to handle. I knew I only had a few minutes to exit the car park before the barriers closed for the night but I had to sit there and think about him in that moment. Think about the man I loved and the man I should be with. The man who would never look at me the same way if he knew what I had just come from.

It was eleven fifty eight and I knew I had to leave, before I was locked in here and had to go back upstairs. Back to the hotel room until seven the next morning. That was something I would never be able to deny. But this is something I can get away from. I raced from the car park and through the crowds of people trying to cross the roads, ready for a Friday night on the town. Maybe they’ll be the next lucky ones in the situation I was just in. They were done with me, surely they should be bringing someone else up soon.

That’s why I had left the room the way that I had. I had remembered each feature from the second that we had walked in. The exact position of the cups, how the sheets were tucked under the bed and the fold in the toilet paper. And although they had left the room to absolute shit when they had left, the only evidence that now remained of any of us there was their bags, and the condoms which had been thrown into the bin by the desk.

I don’t know how it had come to this. I had spent the day at work, with my family, with my friends. I had jumped at the chance to see him, it had been so long. We laughed the whole way there and yes, alright, maybe we had a few too many to drink. But when they both ended up either side of me I still didn’t see what was happening. Not until I was on my back with the two of them looming over me.

I pull over on the side of the motorway. I’d gotten 10 minutes from the hotel, still another 40 until I was home. But I couldn’t see any more. I had released so many tears that the road was just a blur in front of me. I took my phone from the dashboard and I text him. I told him to delete every shred of evidence, I would never tell anyone and neither would he. I already knew the other one would be silent.

The tears stop as he responds saying that it’s a deal and I drive the rest of the way thinking about you. About our love and how I never want to feel so worthless again. The way that they made me feel. I never want to feel so desperate to escape and so scared of the consequences.

It was nearly one in the morning by the time I got home and nobody questioned why I was so late. Why I had come home in jeans when I had left in a dress. Nobody asked why my face was blotchy or why my hair was tangled. Nobody knew what had happened.

Finally I could breathe again, knowing that tonight would fade into oblivion. Knowing I would be back with you soon and none of this would have happened. Knowing we would settle back into us. I was finally calm as I fell to sleep with a smile, knowing that our love was truly real.