Passionfruit

Hovering behind Carson playing Fortnite during break, I half watch and half judge. I thought that trend was over. Last time I checked, no one plays it anymore, well, almost no one. Despite my complete disinterest and slight antipathy towards his playing of the game, I continue to stand behind. I can’t sit down, too much nervous energy. If I sit down, I’ll fidget. I rub my thighs back and forth, borderline manically, when I sit down and I’m nervous. That’s sure to annoy Laina sitting in the seat to the right of mine. Carson won’t notice, he’s been more distant ever since he started playing that game again. We’re all hanging out in the Chemistry room waiting for class to start. All the people with more active social lives reside in the hallway, but I see nowhere better to be, there’s enough people here. I look around the room, scanning for friendly faces willing to have a conversation, and see none. Phones and laptops stare back into the eyes of the modern high school student more than ever before. Someone behind me says my name, “Evan, Evan, Evan, Evan, Evan” Jayden says in his way designed purely to annoy. “Yes?” I say, with surprising restraint and lack of attitude. “Can I ask you a question?” he asks, a mischievous smile escaping from his mind to his face. “Depends on what it is, but I guess” I reply. He motions for me to come nearer to him “come here” he says in his quiet, faux serious way. I reluctantly oblige, though I’m not sure why, it goes against my every instinct. “Are you gay?” he whispers. I chuckle and shake my head, growing redder every second I refuse to answer. His looks confused and says, out loud this time, “Well, are you?” “You’re ridiculous” I reply, pushing past him to get into the hallway. I, all of the sudden, needed a drink. Any diversion will do at this point. “Why can’t I answer the question?” I ask myself. Why can’t I just lie and say no? Why can’t I just own it and say yes? Why am I subjecting myself to the worst of both worlds, combining the crushing repression that comes with pretending to be someone else for so long without the solace that comes with knowing my secret is safe? Maybe today will be the day when I choose which world will define my high school years.