Love Letters to no one.

I've been focusing on my health. Got in touch with an old close friend.
And ofcourse, she is also a lady. I again, for your sake. See her as a sister.
I messaged her one of my Darkest nights...
Where I really thought I'd be ending it all, and needed to talk to someone... anyone...

I was desperate, messaging people who long left me in the past, and or hated me.
I needed to talk to anyone.

So fuckin desperate.
No matter how much I watched self help videos.
No matter how much I walked alone.
No matter how much I tried to stay strong.

The pain grew over me like a predator over prey.
The fear grasped me and took over.
I tried to command it, but every wall I slaved to build, it struck it down in a mere instant.

I was alone. I made it take over, and it had its way with me.

But like every victim. I had a choice in the end.
Try to get my life together again?
Or let my past define me.

I chose to get my life together. Went on hikes. Spent time with family and friends. Spent time alone in my car... as you know.

Then I got a message back from one of the nets I casted for help.

(Hey, do you have time to talk? APR 16
I know it's been a while.

hey! sorry i dont get to my facebook messages often enough APR 20
but yes absolutely
whats up)

We ended up video calling. Chatting, catching up, and she motivated me even more to pursue what I keep denying myself.
To love myself.

I know I totally don't understand it. But I do know, I should really chase who I am and not chase you.

Those images of you I see during my walks aren't for me to chase.

That's there to remind me of what happens when you lose yourself.

Everyone. Moves. On.