My Last Day

Slowly you sit, cross-legged, in front of me.
I blink, surprised. To be honest, I wasn't expecting that. I thought you would leave me.

Someone else comes in too. I look up and both of our eyes widen as we whisper that maybe we should leave.

Strangely, neither one of us move.

Curious, I look at the space between the seats and I see a girl. She's Indian and she starts singing a song softly on stage. She glows, bright, while we hide in the comfort of the shadows.

Should we be here? Maybe not.

Just as I'm about to turn around and get up, you take my hand in yours. Your hands are smooth and slightly longer than mine; pianist fingers is how I like to call them, although they are known as saints' fingers elsewhere.

I almost laugh at that thought. You're anything but a saint.

You notice my slight laughter and tilt your head while copying that movement with your hand so our fingers intertwine.

Something we've never done before.

Something I noted we'd never done before.

I guess you noticed that too.

For a second, we sit in silence, just staring at our hands, confused by both our actions. All thoughts about leaving this space have vanished. Her singing seems a million miles away.

I felt as if, in this moment, there's a bubble around us that separated us from the rest of the world.
Like being underwater, and the only clear thing were the two of us here.

"Thank you." You say quickly, breaking the silence with a boulder that crashes through the serenity of the moment. Not like I mind, although it's now my turn to speak.

Like any game, we each have a move to make.

Of course, winning is out of the question- I wouldn't be here if I wanted to win- but will you make the final move or will we both walk away, the game never ending?

Silence passed between us and then-

"For what?" I say, quietly, I want to hear you tell me why.

You tighten your grip as you struggle to formulate your next thought, and we sit in another silence, though both our heads are screaming.

"For everything. Being here with me, for staying with me." Your head stays tilted down and I can see your hair, spiky, but if i touched it, would yield and actually be soft. Just like your personality.

For a second I even ponder putting my head against yours, but I decide against it, trying to continue the conversation.

"Any friend would do that for you-should do that for you."

I could've captured your pawn then, but I move backwards instead. Defensive, waiting for the inevitable.

"But from you...it's...." Your voice becomes quieter and my deaf ears are left to fill in the blanks. I realize I need to lean in closer, not wanting to miss anything, laughing inside because all I wanted now in life were subtitles.

So I do lean my head against the wall next to me, trying to act casual about getting closer. But then-

Your right hand somehow appeared on the left side of my neck. Suddenly, I know what your end goal is. No. This is not good. I move my queen back to the space between the king and bishop. I have to escape-have to run-

But I'm not.

My words come out stuttering and soft, your bishop easily capturing my most powerful piece. Looking into your eyes, we both know there is no power behind me anymore.

"U...um... Could you...um... Repeat that?"

I say this nervously, wanting to take my hands to cover my face because I'm blushing so hard. But I can't. Both your hands are in the way and I don't want to move them.

You could've checkmated me then, but you don't. And the match continues.

"But...from you, it's special."

This, I want to refute immediately. My rook rushing in to capture your queen. I want to hurt you, want to make you understand.

Why only me?

Other people matter so much more than me, set your priorities straight.

Anybody else who was half decent should be doing what I'm doing. It's nothing special.

God, I like you, that's why I'm doing it.

My hands fumble with my remaining defense, my thoughts conflicting with what I want to do.

So many times have I thought about this moment, over and over. My fingers clutched around the castle, knuckles white.

I knew I wouldn't be able to do it.

I push the rook to the side instead, defending my king, and putting us again to another draw.

But...for the first time, I'm okay with it. With playing. Even if it's only for a little while longer.

Suddenly, I want to hug you. I can't explain it. But I pull my hand out of yours and at first, you're surprised, but then I hug you and it's awkward, because of the space between, but you get my message.

I'm overwhelmed again.

Then I realize why I needed a hug.

The hug is a facade, just to give me time to think.

What the hell am I going to do?

My brain is drowning.
I'm drowning.

God,
Help me.

You pull back and this time both hands are cradling my face.

We both know what's coming.

We both know what you want to do.

The questions is whether I'm willing.

Willing to forget.

Or, at least forgive, if not forget.

If I'm willing to continue,

Knowing what you do.

I like you though.

You act as if I had a choice when I had little.

How could you say no when your crush wants to kiss you?

That decision takes someone much stronger than I.

Then you tell me you love me. Although you don't.

We both know that.

But instead of saying that, I lean in, almost voluntary, but with my whole mind under your influence.

And we kiss.

And it's beautiful.

The world stops, and everything disappears. It's only you, and only me.

A perfect moment.

My mind stopped screaming, stopped worrying. And everything was perfect.

But it was only a moment.

Afterwards, my mind went past screaming, it was breaking from the noise. A million shards of glass puncturing my insides while harpies screeched and sirens wailed.

I vaguely remember you lying down. You always do after we kiss. I cover my mouth, as always too, in order to stop from making any noise.

I vaguely remember you sitting up and looking at me again, but....

I couldn't process anything anymore.

All my memories were cramming to be seen at once.

They tried to remind me what you'd done- to stop me from being happy.

Could you sense that?

See all the hidden feelings behind my eyes?
….

No, I guess you didn't.

I guess you couldn't see the confusion and pain and heartbreak and happiness and sadness and love and hope and darkness that was spinning through my mind.

My king was then lost, checkmated.

The hurt of having you and the future sadness of losing you and the present of happiness all flooded my brain.

It overloaded me.

But I couldn't let you see.

So...

I smiled instead.

And told you you were a terrible kisser.
I think you blushed, but my eyes were closed.

But then you poke me in the forehead and suddenly I can't stop laughing.

You tell me it's cause you're inexperienced.

I think in my head that you won't be inexperienced next year.

But I don't say that.

If I speak,

I'm going to start crying.

So instead I laugh and laugh and laugh.

I laugh at the absurdity of the two of us.

I laugh at the fact I still like someone who doesn't like me.

I laugh at the pain that is spreading through my body, reminding me what heartbreak felt like.

I laugh at you, for you were and are what made me happy.

I laughed as we walked out,
And in my head?

My brain is still laughing at myself.

Because at some point,

It's going to end.

And all I'll be left with is a pawn that could've become a queen.