Push

I have this feeling again
One of self hatred
For ruining another even
Ruining another friend

I can’t help but I guess push them away
Push them towards each other
Or be pushed away
All within the timespan of a day

The self hatred is not new,
Not by a long shot.
It comes with the pushing,
Even when I don’t mean to push

What else am I supposed to feel,
When none of my friendships are real?
None of them last
At least none I’ve had so far.

I can’t name one person other than God,
Who really stood by me.
My parents don’t count,
Because they don’t know the real me.

It seems like no one does
No one that cares.
No one that will stick close,
And not leave me behind

I am always picked last,
Or not at all.
No one wants me,
And that’s fine.

I will let them be happy,
Just don’t ask me why.
Why I do this to myself,
Or why I don’t let you see me cry