Honeymoon for Three

1980 words

"Welcome to Armchair Detective. Tonight, we have a special episode for you," The monotonous voiced host said. "Imagine going on your honeymoon, to celebrate your marriage, only to have your mother-in-law join the vacation. That is what happened with Lucy and Michael, also known as, Mick Roberts. Like a lot of couples, they needed some time to rest and reset their marriage. Before we get to that, let's go back in time a bit and see how their relationship grew." He took a drink of water before launching back into his monologue. "And who didn't approve of the relationship? Mick's mother Mary, who has continued to renounce the relationship. She has gone as far as to try and have the marriage annulled, getting angry when officials told her only one of the people in the marriage could have the marriage annulled. Here she is in her own words, from an interview she gave to whoever would listen to her rantings."

Mary Roberts appeared on screen, to the host's right side. Her short, steel grey hair worn in a spiked fashioned. She was no ordinary militant mother. "This Lucy, person, no person is not the right word. My son always had the worst taste in females. I never understood why he wouldn't go for someone soft and sweet like me," Her eyes narrowed, laughter could be heard in the background. "I don't see what's so funny. She was one of those trollops, just after my son for his money. He had a lot of those little trading cards boys like to play with, Magic or something. She wanted those cards. One day she just appeared, out of nowhere and soon after they were married. I didn't even know they were dating. Imagine marrying someone your mother doesn't know."

The scene cut to a young, blonde woman. She was clad in a white Calvin Klein dress. "I'm Lucy Roberts, wife of Mick. His insane mother, Mary, has tried to make me out to be some sort of weird gold digger. I'm not sure how that works when he didn't have a dime to his name. He spent everything he had, as soon as it came in. By the time it came to our wedding, we held one in the backyard of his friend's house and someone decided that clothes were optional."

"A naked wedding, in the backyard. That was Her idea. Real classy. My Mickey was in shock and horrified at the idea of sharing his naughty bits with everyone else. He insisted she keep her clothes on, though her bosom kept falling out of the dress she had on. And the morning of the wedding, he had to help her get dressed because she was too drunk or high. That's what he told me." Mary said.

The host appeared on the screen again, as the space where Mary and Lucy had occupied in the air disappeared. "Lucy and Mick lived with Mary for months after their wedding. Mick told friends he was taking care of his mother. Many disputed that story since Mary and Lucy argued quite a bit. We have hired some actors to help reenact what happened."

The screen went black and the Lucy and Mary characters soon filled it. Mary's character was seen first ironing a shirt, smoking a cigarette. "This is the wife's job. Why are you not taking care of my son the way you should? Useless. That's what you are. Utterly useless."

Lucy's character rolled her eyes and marched towards the door, "See you later, Hag. Maybe try to look less like a female version of Cerberus. Satan would be an improvement in looks and attitude."

Mary was seen making the gesture of flicking her daughter-in-law off. Mick's character walked into the screen, Mary greets him with a kiss on the lips. "You need to tell that wife of yours to do your laundry and cook dinner for you. I have bingo tonight."

"Mom, you know that's not what she does. I can make my grilled cheese tonight."

"But of course, he couldn't make his grilled cheese that night," The Host intoned. "Which led to the first in a series of arguments, which threatened his marriage to Lucy. When she threatened to leave him, he came up with an idea," The Host continued. "Mick's idea was to get away for a few days, go on a honeymoon. He had just come into some money selling plasma to a local clinic. They decided to jet off to an island called Bimini. As Detective Mort Crim explains, this did not please Mary."

"Mary Roberts ran through the airport screaming that her son was there with a woman that he should not be with. Most folks thought she was a homeless lady and offered her meals and money. She accepted all of them. Every. Single. One. But her wrath was not deterred, she bought a ticket and chased Mick and Lucy to their destination."

"Mickey was so influenced by that, that thing. He took her on an expensive vacation using all of his plasma money. Money was earmarked for his Magic game until that hussy blew into our lives."

"The pristine waters begged to be swam or boated in. Mick had set up an adventure for him and his wife. But as they settled in to enjoy each other's company, Mary barged into their hotel, a barrage of insults aimed at the woman taking her son away from her." The Host's voice almost went up an octave as he relayed the exposition.

The real Mary reappeared on the screen, "People keep saying, I took over their honeymoon. Ha! They weren't on a honeymoon. They weren't even married, there was no record of their marriage at the courthouse. That horrible nuisance had tricked my sweet baby boy into believing they were married when they weren't."

"Lucy and Mick were not married, we found out pretty fast once the investigation started because Mary would not stop telling us," Mort replaced Mary. "Lucy was upset and decided to go on the boat without Mick, but he wanted to talk about what happened. Note to men, if your wife is upset, don't get on a boat with her."

"Don't get on a boat with an angry wife, seems like advice Mick could have used. As their canoe floated down the serene and pristine river, Lucy and Mick argued about the marriage, each blaming the other for it being invalid. We know this because Mary let us know. She claims she was on a boat behind them."

"She was not on a boat behind us, she jumped into our boat," Lucy's face filled the screen, redness colored her cheeks. "Mary was always intruding on our time alone. Always. And then Mick died, was killed. I blacked out and when I came to, he was dead. Face down in the water."

"My poor Mick was killed by that, that, killer. She's a killing machine. For some reason, she had an issue with me being on the boat with them and just started battering my poor baby," There was a split screen with Mary and Lucy. "I tried to stop her, but she wouldn't stop, she was possessed."

Mort was added in to make a triage of screens. "Some tourist heard the yelling and fighting, so they called the police. We discovered Mick's body and tried to resuscitate him, it didn't seem to work. When we found Mary and Lucy, they were still bickering. Words were used that would make sailors blush. Mary started yelling at us to arrest Lucy because she had killed Mick, but as any good investigator knows, you have to look at the clues. We found one that changed the course of the investigation right away. There was no way Lucy could have killed Mick."

"The police told me that I was the prime suspect in the murder of my baby boy and the reason, well, I was shocked."

"I couldn't have killed Mick because I was shut off during that time."

"Lucy is a robot, one that is designed for, ahem, intercourse. Many of the men who buy them are not successful with the ladies," Mort cringed as he said those words.

"My son with one of those, those things," Mary sighed. "It was so disheartening. There were so many women he could have been with. They all loved him, and he chose to be with a robot!"

"That should have been the end of the case. If Lucy had been shut off, there was only one other person who could have killed Michael Roberts. But as Mort Crim soon found out there was more going on than what we were seeing," The Host narrowed his eyes as the camera refocused on him. "These robots had been sent out to more than a dozen men in the same town. All of them were friends with Mick."

"Almost every one of the robots were shut off at the same time as Lucy was. Their owners were confused about what was happening. But none of the men were killed as a result of the shutdown. It didn't make any sense," Mort informed the audience. "We built the case against Mary, she was the only one who could have done it. We were sure. But we couldn't find a motive for why she would want to kill her son."

"I loved my baby, he was my whole world. Well, most of it."

"She doesn't know how to love anyone except her Master," Lucy sniped, unaware her Mother-in-law could not hear her.

"Once Mary returned to the United States, against the wishes of the Bimini Police, some of Mick's friends began to visit her. One asked if he could have Lucy, which resulted in Mary slapping him," The Host kept the story moving along. "She was not happy with the request, she said she found it insulting."

"Imagine asking a Mother who has to bury her baby because a murderous robot killed him to just give him the sex machine. I told him he needed to bid on it on eBay, just like everyone else."

"Jared Clemson came into us and gave us a possible motive for Mary killing her son. She was very into Magic the Gathering and there was a big tournament coming up, one where the winner would take home more than $100,000. Mick was sure to win but Mary had entered the competition too and with Mick's cards would have won. Most people want insurance money but not these people."

"I would not kill Mickey because of a tournament. The only reason I entered it was to spend more time with him. 23 hours a day, 7 days a week was just not enough. Not enough."

"Mary was obsessed with Mick, he could never have had a normal life. That's why I switched over to psycho wife mode and hit him," Lucy smiled. "He deserved to have a life away from the monster he called Mother."

"She did it!" Mary screamed, jumping up and down. "Lucy killed my baby. I should be released from prison!"

"But Mary was not released from prison. As the police were processing her release, it came to their attention another body had been found, one Michael Roberts. It turned out he had faked his death to get away from Mommy dearest. Mary must have sensed something was wrong and started investigating herself. She found him alive and drunk, flirting with an island native and shot him dead. The gun was found in her possession. She was rebooked and tried for first-degree murder, the previous charge had been second-degree murder, and was found guilty. Jurors just did not like her."

"I shot Mick and laid the gun on her bed, making sure her fingerprints got all over it." Lucy shrugged as the screen faded to black.