My Dramatic Life

Have you ever felt that overwhelming feeling when every emotion just hits you straight in the face and it's just so hard for you to breathe?

If you have, then you know what I'm talking about.

So, you're probably wondering (or probably not), why am I asking this deep question?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, let me fill you in on what's been happening in my life recently. Warning: this will be very emotional and sad.

It all started when my mom died. The day that she died was the saddest day of my entire life. Losing her was devastating. She was my anchor. My compass. When she died, everything in me broke. What's worse is that she died when last semester just started, so I wasn't able to focus in school because you know, she died. We lost her. During the past four years that I've been in college, she was always there to help me study whenever exams week was getting close. But last semester, it was so hard to study. She wasn't there to help me anymore. She wasn't there to ask me if I want to have a snack, or drink something while I was studying. She wasn't there to comfort me whenever I felt like giving up because the subject was too confusing for me. She wasn't there to remind me to go to sleep already because it was getting late. She wasn't there to remind me to take a break whenever I was pushing myself too hard.

A lot of things have changed when she died. Do you want to know what made this situation even worse?

About three weeks after my mom died, my grandmother (my dad's mom) followed after her. It was harder on my dad because he's just lost his wife, and then he lost his mom. My grandmother and I weren't super close but she was still someone I loved because you know, she's family.

So, that was another reason why I wasn't able to focus in school that much. Studying while still grieving isn't really that easy. Every night, it was hard for me to sleep because I was used to sleeping with my mom beside me. As unusual as that may seem, but yes, I'm a college student but still slept beside her mom. It's a long story, trust me.

But anyway, back to the topic at hand. As I said, it was hard for me to sleep at night because I didn't feel that usual warmth that I was used to feeling. By "that usual warmth", I mean, my mom's body heat that was radiating off her body to the whole room. So, I'd put a pillow beside me, I'd imagine my mom beside me, then that's the only time I'd be able to sleep. But as time flew by, I slowly got used to sleeping alone, and it got a bit easier for me to sleep at night. Although, there were still times when I'd miss her and I'd end up staying awake for the whole night, crying silently so my dad and brother wouldn't hear me... Anyway.

My grades weren't really that great last semester because I was still grieving and adjusting to everything. After my grandmother died, my family and I went to stay at my grandmother's house so that my uncle (my dad's younger brother) and my cousin would have someone to be there for them too. So, me being in a different environment that I was really not used to, also took a bit of a toll on me. All my life I've been living in just one place and moving to another place was a bit stressful for me. Even though the place we're staying at right now isn't really that far from the place I grew up in and I'm still living in the same city, it was still a bit hard on me because it was still a different environment.

I flunked all of my classes last semester because a lot happened and everything that was happening was just too much for me to bear. My family and I had some conflicts with my mom's side of the family and that wasn't great for me, either. Since I am the youngest in the whole family, including cousins and all that (there are still five children who are younger than me but they're children, they don't understand what's happening yet), I was kind of the person who was most bothered by what was happening because I was the only one who actually cared about having a perfect family. Even though I know that that will never happen because there isn't really a perfect family, I was still bothered by the fact that my family is slowly falling apart. My family has no contact with my grandfather (my mom's dad), my family is currently not on speaking terms with my uncle (my mom's younger brother) and his family, and a whole lot more that's just too hard to explain in writing. But yeah, after my mom died, everything was just slowly falling apart. Let me tell you, 2018 was NOT a great year for me.

So yeah, that's what's been happening for the last half of 2018 for me. Now, let's move on to the start of my 2019.

So, basically, I started 2019 crying because I missed my mom. Celebrating New Year's without the person who gave you strength to celebrate each year of your life was devastating. I told myself I wouldn't cry because I didn't want to start the year crying but I did. So, I guess that's why everything's falling apart more than it has ever been. Want me to elaborate on that? Gladly.

So, a few days ago, my dad and my brother got into a heated argument. I'm not going to elaborate on what they fought about but let me tell you, it was bad. So, remember when I told you guys that my family and I moved to my grandmother's house? Yeah, well, my brother and his wife aren't living with us anymore because they got sent back to where we were staying at before my mom died.

You're probably wondering why this is such a big deal for me, right?

Well, my brother and I are very close. We're like twins. We have this certain "bond" that will never be broken by anything or anyone because after our mom died, all we had left was each other. You see, my brother and I aren't really close to our dad because we basically grew up around our mom. So, for us, being separated, unwillingly, was hard because like I said, all we had left was each other. For me, it was like, "I just lost my mom and now I'm losing my brother all because of a fight," and let me tell you, that's not easy. I mean, yeah, we call each other every day, we text each other every day, but seeing him and talking to him personally is different. It's like he's so close but yet so far from me and it's just so hard to reach him.

So, that's the first week of my 2019. And we're almost in the third week of 2019, guess what's happening.

Yeah, classes are starting again. And, with everything that's happening, I'm not ready to go to school yet because I don't know how I'm going to handle all the stress from school works and the stress from all my problems. Great start to 2019, am I right?

Anyway, that's what's been happening to my life recently and now you get why I'm asking you the question at the start of this story.

Thanks for reading.

- Riley