I don’t even know

I don’t know what happening anymore. I just feel so empty and sad and alone and worthless and tired all the time. I don’t think this is normal, but I don’t know what to do. If anything goes wrong my first thought is slicing my arm apart. If something goes right my first thought is I don’t deserve it. I don’t want to tell anyone about my problems. I don’t want to bring them down, or make them worry, or anything of the sort. And while I know that’s probably not true I just don’t believe it. I’ve almost totally convinced myself that no one cares and if they say otherwise they’re just lying to me so I don’t feel bad. I don’t really want to be alive. I don’t want to be dead, just not alive. And the scariest thing is I don’t know if everyone feels this way and I’m just being a baby. I don’t need know if I did something to deserve this. I attempted once, and now I kinda want to try again. I can’t talk to anyone about this. I say I’m fine, but I rarely am. I don’t want to waste your time. I’m such a failure. I don’t deserve anything I have. I’m so sorry I’m alive. I’m so sorry for everything. I just don’t know what to do. I try to cope. I starve myself, I cut my skin, I hit my arms until they're black and blue. I’m alone. Always have been, and always will be. I just wish I had known earlier. The only thing I have is music. The notes and beats my only company. At least if I pass before my time no one will miss me.