You

Preface

This is a story of the stages of my life.
The good, the bad...
the nightmare.
I prayed God would help me
live my dreams of being a writer.
So maybe that's why all this has happened.
To give me something so raw,
So tantalisingly real.

These words are my story
This ink, my blood.















Dusk

i was fifteen
when my best friend showed me what she concealed under her sleeves.
the red lines traced over white,
like a highlighted history book
a compilation of the worst moments of her life.
there's more,
She said,
than just those on her arms.
i warned her of a vein,
hidden, but so fragile
on her thigh.
just a slight crack in its wall
will see you emptied,
bloodless.
in a matter of seconds.
a humourless smile appears
but leaves just as quick.
why,
She asks,
do you think my leg is the most decorated.





The Third House from the Corner

those four walls
a fortress.
where do you go
when your house isn't your home?
a kid shouldn't be scared to open that door
and walk into a battlefield.
the third house from the corner
was the one with yelling on Christmas morning.
a brother should pick up his sister
by the hand
when she can't stand.
not pick her up
by her throat
to pin her against the wall.











Sunset

maybe there was another way,
but it was how i was taught.
It'll keep knocking;
ignore It.
It'll start pounding;
run from It.
It'll get bored.
It'll run to the window,
and force its way in there.
that's the truth.
It can't be ignored.
It'll find a way in
and when It does,
It'll be angry
you never welcomed It with a smile.
old friend,
It'll say.
we have some catching up to do.
Pain catches up,
no matter how much It's barricaded.
when It's inside,
there is no hiding

only distraction.

Her

my feet were crossed in the air,
resting on Her bed.
The floorboards attacked my spine,
flattening out the arches.
our heads leaned in
rested on each other.
giving each other the support
we both needed
while we exchanged the stories that lead us here.
He would grab Her,
She told me,
and forced Her on Her knees.
our hands intertwined
as we both cried.











Midnight

'you can't fight fire with fire'
no.
but i learned to fight Pain with pain.
when it was impossible to hold the door back
and block the window;
when It forced its way in,
i fought.


















Dusk

there only thing stronger
than the feel of Pain's grip
tight, inside.
is welcoming,
inflicting
pain on the outside.
you see,
Pain,
i learned,
has its own kryptonite;
blood.














Sunrise

blood became my best friend,
my protector.
until i met You.
You were the water;
the extinguisher.
You healed the burns
the leftovers of Pain's grip.
You kissed the scars,
told me they were beautiful.
a mark on my skin,
letters making up my story.
You taught me happiness.
You were a healer,
a lover,
a teacher.

a lie.








The Backseat

nine months
was all it took.
nine months, and you had me.
all my trust,
hope
future
was in you.
You lay me down
the leather sticking to the dampness of my skin.
Your lips met mine
and traced down my neck,
chest
stomach.
i felt your fingers run up my leg,
locking around my underwear,
pulling them down.
Stop,
i whispered
my accelerated heart rate producing only a soft plead.
it's okay,
You kissed my mouth.
no,
the blood pulsing through my ears
drowned out the cracking of my voice.
9 months
was all it took
for You to betray me.

























The Change

it happened so quick.
Your voice,
the very same one that whispered
"I love you"s in the middle of the night
the one i became accustomed to hearing,
became the voice that urged me on.
I know you,
You would sigh,
you're just pretending.
manipulating.
you're not really in danger.
"those marks on your arms
are just for show.
they're not real.
you're just pretending."










The Truth

the ink
smudged,
ran down the paper.
water that escaped my eyes
attacked it like floodwater.
the jarred letters created by shaking hands
made the note almost undecipherable.
the clear liquid mixed with the red
that dripped from my veins.
i wish you could see me now
see the blood,
read the note
and tell me
i'm pretending
i'm not in danger.










Awakening

the best day by far
was when i woke up.
and saw the truth.
of how much
You hurt me;
far more than You helped me.