Grandma and Puppy

"He's a pup, Grandma, he doesn't understand!"

"Well, explain to him!"

"He's allowed to at home, so he thought ..."

"I know he's allowed to at home. Your Mom does things the opposite of what I do just to annoy me. Been that way right since she was your age."

"Grandma ..."

"Yeah?"

"If Mom does things the opposite of what you do to annoy you, and I do things the opposite of what Mom does to annoy her, then I have to do things the same as you do."

"Never mind all the convoluted logic, I like the last part of that. Do things the way I do and get this pup out of my kitchen NOW. Little beast is making pawprints all over the dhokla

Savoury snack from the state of Gujarat.

batter."

"Here Rusty, Rusty. Oh, look at him, Grandma, curled up in my arms. He's saying sorry to you. That's right, Rusty, say 'sorry, Grandma'."

"Sorry, my foot. The little beast is telling me to keep some dhokla for him, that's what. Now I'll have to throw this lot out, it's got puppy paws all over. Luckily he just got into the one bowl then I spotted him."

"If he'd spoiled all the dhokla, we could've ordered pizza."

"Pizza my foot. It's traditional to make dhokla on festive occasions in our house."

"Mom orders pizza."

"I told you, your Mom ... never mind that now. Keep a grip on that pup of yours, he looks like he's going to leap."

"You don't know what he's going to do, Grandma. You hate dogs."

"Hate dogs, do I?"

"You've been screaming away about poor Rusty for half an hour now. It's the first time he's been to another house since we got him, he doesn't know different rules."

"Your Mom doesn't know how to train a dog, that's what. Rules, my foot. Just roll up a newspaper and thwack their bottom. Works on kids and pups."

"Whose bottom? Mom's?"

"Yup, I'd whack both their bottoms with the same newspaper, that's what.'

"BOTH?"

"Yup."

"BOTH, who?"

"Your Mom and her pup, when he got all over my dhokla batter."

"MOM had a pup? As a kid, I mean? But you hate dogs! How come she had a pup in your house?"

"Don't let that little beast jump now, or he'll ruin this new batter, too, and I'm not going to order pizza for lunch on a festive occasion or any occasion. Pizza, my foot."

"Grandma."

"Yes."

"Are you really saying there was a dog in the house when Mom was a kid?"

"And many a newspaper I've rolled up, to teach them good behaviour. Now you watch out, I still haven't lost the knack. Roll it up really tight, then -- swish -- it's all in the wrist action. It's more about the sound than the pain, though. They would've only felt a gentle tickling."

"Really? Mom's never done it to me."

"Naturally, she believes in all that children-have-delicate psyche and even more delicate behinds - nonsense. New fangled psychology stuff. And of course, she does the opposite of anything I did. So you get - what is it - time out when you're really bad? Does it help you behave better?"

"Um -- not really. I kind of like time out."

"If that puppy ..."

"I'm holding him real tight, Grandma, he won't get away. Grandma ..."

"Yeah?"

"Would you roll up a newspaper and spank me and Rusty and make a noise? I want to know what it sounds like."

"Okay. Let me just put this thing on the stove. Now get a newspaper from the pile there. See, it twists like this. Now, bend over ... swish and ..."

"MOTHER! How dare you spank my child! I forbid you! I'll report you to child welfare!"

"Ah, calm down. It's tradition in our house. We make dhokla, the dog spoils it, the child and the dog get spanked. Don't you remember, from 24 years ago?"