Tome

Tome

"Are you capable of catching feelings?" asked Amy as she walked down the stone path twirling her enchanted long sword. It had been quiet for about 20 seconds since she last heard her own voice and apparently that was too long. "I only ask because I think I'm catching feelings."

Derek pulled his nose out of the dusty tome he was reading and stared blankly at the red-headed girl. He fretted over what he must have done in a past life to deserve the cruel punishment being the bodyguard of the Magus's daughter. Was he some serial murderer, maybe some evil mage that devoured the souls of innocent puppies, or maybe he was one of those sickos who order pineapple on their pizza.

"Well? Don't stare, it was an honest question!" whined Amy as she began fussing with her glasses. She was left impatiently waiting for Derek to answer yet another random thought from the mind of a Sinclair.

"Why do you think you are catching these feelings?" Derek's incredulousness mixed with his lack of interest to form a tone that would have been hard to mask even if he had tried. He knew from experience he had to humor her, or she wouldn't let the subject go. Knowing the girl since they were in diapers has at least blessed him with hours of pointless ramblings akin to the one they were having now.

"Because we keep seeing all those adorable puppies and every time we do my heart feels like it's trying to beat out of my chest."

Derek glared at the naive redhead. "One; they are not puppies, but demonic war hounds released by the Lich King. And two; they are trying to kill us, not play with us. And three: that feeling is probably because we have been running for like the past two hours! Mr. Beeson should hire these mongrels next time he tells the PE class to run." With a sigh Derek flips to the page entitled Demon Hounds and rereads it for the twelfth time. "This dumb book just says to run from the howling mongrels!"

"But they are so cute!"

"No, they are evil bloodthirsty creatures designed solely for the purpose of tracking down anyone dumb enough to steal from the Lich King. Which, need I remind you, is what you did!"

"Well... it sounds like you are saying this is all my fault. Again, as I already told you, I didn't take it."

"And I am not going to believe that some little girl simply handed you a deadly enchanted weapon. I should be at home playing video games and procrastinating on my math homework like everyone else. Running away from demons and being accosted by a green slime cube is not how I planned on spending my Saturday!"

Amy hung her head in what seemed to be a shame but, in all actuality, she was pondering how she could pet one of the bright red puppies. She also wondered what it would take to get another cup of Green Mermaid Coffee. The sugary coffee topped with fairy dust was just, like, totes amazing. Meanwhile, Derek went back to studying the book that Amy had found in the miscellaneous section of their school's library. She had found it the same day she showed up with a glowing sword.

The leather-bound tome seemed to always have information on the thing you want information on. It also seemed to bless the user to always know where the information is. The book's pages were blank except to that of the user. So far it had saved them from swamp monsters, three witches, dozens of various demons including one rather fetching succubus, an untold amount of demonic war hounds and a slime that only wanted a friend. Derek doubted he would ever trust a random chest in the forest ever again after the near death experience with a mimic.

The duo walked for roughly an hour, further separating themselves from their hometown of Braxton, the magical capital of Hultaire. The forest, with its ever-ominous trees, creaks and groans with hidden life as green foliage dies away to be replaced by gray brown sticks. Eventually, the two high schoolers came upon a gothically overdone castle that only GWAR fans would approve of. The large wooden doors of the castle were covered in an unplanned smattering of skulls and various other bones that cried out "Hey, there's undead here." The walls were a smoky black stone that seemed to ooze black bile. The sky was cast in dark cascading clouds that partially hid a full moon despite it being roughly 3:00 pm. The normally blue sky could be seen in the distance.

"Sure has a thing for theatrics, huh?" Remarked Derek as he took a minute to take in the sight reminiscent of the barbaric interplanetary warriors. It definitely had the motif of a powerful undead figure.

"Well, of course. It's supposed to be scary, after all. I mean, it is the Lich King's castle." Amy's statement was punctuated by a head tilt and squinting eyes, a duh expression if Derek had ever seen one. The thought that it was coming from the same girl who he had to explain that being called a ne'er do well is not a good thing.

"I have been meaning to ask you Amy, who is this Lich King? I have been wracking my brain trying to think if I have ever heard of such a man with no luck. This book only has the briefest of explanations about the King of the Undead. Its rather infuriating. I think I am going to call your dad and-"

"Gargoyle!" With a lunge, Amy intercepted the creature blocking his stone claws with the flat of the shining sword. The sudden attack cut Derek's words off short as the sight of the one person he is supposed to protect saving his life. Amy shoved Derek aside before shouting, "What does your stupid book have to say about this?"

Derek ran quickly behind a tree as he opened the tome while concentrating on the visage of the stone creature attacking the Magus's daughter. A passage titled Gargoyle appeared out of the blank pages. It was simple and, not for the first time, wildly unhelpful. This creature, currently in combat with Amy, resembled a xenomorph from the Alien franchise and was apparently fairly easy to kill. The book said all they had to do was poke it in the eyes followed by a... good luck? In parentheses next to the unhelpful comment it said to use a shiny sword. How convenient, they just so happen to have one.

The gargoyle was relentless in its attacks but its opponent was blocking everything. Amy was fighting like a trained sword fighter with the way she was rolling out of the way of the attacks and parrying the tail and claws. Derek tried to yell the rather unhelpful advice to his friend but quickly decided the advice was no longer necessary when she struck the monster with a wicked backswing. The front of the xenomorph split from the horizontal slash of the enchanted blade. It seemed to cut through the hard stone as easily as a knife through warm butter. From the gash, a bright pink light billowed out matching the flamboyant light of the sword. The gargoyle then erupted into a cloud of dust and small pebbles.

Derek's jaw was on the proverbial floor as he stared at his childhood friend and dunce with a new level of respect. She stepped from the dust cloud, large sword on her shoulder like some high school Red Sonya knock off. All she was missing was the scale armor bikini.

"Amy, that was...impressive. How did you learn to use the sword like that?"

Flipping her red over her shoulder, Amy turned to face Derek with her cheeks blushing almost scarlet. "Jeez Derek, don't you remember the summers we spent on your couch playing Chivalry and For Honor?"

"I know you are not suggesting you learned swordsmanship from some video games, so where did you really..."

Derek's words fell on deaf ears as Amy was already carelessly shoving open the door to the castle and walking in. With a begrudging sigh, he followed her through the garish doors into the ornate foyer. The Lich King clearly had the same decorator for the interior as he had for the repulsive exterior, but this had a comfier, lived in feel. It was rather homey once you got past the shrunken head sconces on the walls and the zombie butler. Speaking of the finely dressed 28 Days Later extra, he was standing expectantly before the stairs to the upper floors. With a regal British accent that betrayed his undead state, he greeted the teenagers.

"Gooday, what can I do for you?"

Amy, being several paces ahead of Derek, spoke up first. "We are here to see the skeleton in charge."

The zombie blinked with its one good eye a few times before letting out an airless sigh. "If you two will follow me I will show you to the King. He is going to just love this."

"Ok, show us the way Reginald," said Amy without hesitation.

Before Derek could question the ridiculousness of the Lich King's butler greeting them at the door, the zombie nodded and began to shamble into a warmly lit chamber covered with garish tapestries. The intricate works of art depicted burning villages of screaming farmers, corpses scattering the dirt streets, and a remarkably familiar green cube. With yet another sigh of acceptance, Derek followed them. He was resigned to the trap that had to be waiting for them if his experience playing videos games has amounted to anything. He could practically feel the little autosaving symbol flashing in his imagined HUD along with the warning to not shut off the device.

With soft footsteps on a fine carpet, Amy and Derek followed the rotting bag of bones into the throne room. Amy tried to copy the stiff walking motion of the zombie with relative accuracy. The humorous sight caused a small smile to curl Derek's lips which he tried to hide with his hands. The lack of paying attention caused Derek to run right into the back of the butler who had stopped to announce their arrival.

"We're here, sir," grumbled the zombie currently nicknamed Reginald.

"Oh! Sorry..." said Derek as he stepped out of the butler's personal bubble.

The butler turned to face the baroque throne with a sigh before announcing their presence. The Lich King was an angry robed skeleton who sat on the throne made from pure black stone carved with runes of sigils. Though he was a skeleton he still appeared to be frowning down at the intruding teenagers.

"My lord, the thieves who stole your daughter's magical sword are here. I will now go get your daughter as I feel Gertrude would like to have her toy back."

The Lich King stood up, his wizardy robes of violet, black and gold sequin covering his bleached bones. He began to speak with a smooth almost Matthew McConaughey intonation.

"Thank you, Reginald, I'd appreciate that."

Derek, ever the one to know when a joke would be least appreciated, took this moment to say, "Ever wonder why skeletons stay so calm... nothing gets under their skin!" His uproarious laughter betrayed the crappy nature of the pun as Amy stared, not understanding. However, the Lich King must have heard the rather insensitive attempt at humor as he teleported with a soft pop from the throne right in front of Derek. His skeletal hand shot out grabbing him around the neck, pulling Derek off of his feet in a choke hold. Amy, recovering from the confusion over the joke she had yet to understand, brought up the shiny sword and stabbed it into the side of the lich.

Amy shouted, "Take that you Papyrus wannabe!" as she rammed the blade to the hilt where his kidney would be if he had one, which he didn't.

Without releasing Derek, he turned his head slowly to Amy and said, "You know, you're being kind of rude right now with your weir video game reference. Plus, you put a hole in one of my favorite robes."

With his offhand he then made a shooing motion causing Amy to fly across the room to land in a soft chair, the sword still stuck in his side. Derek was beating the arm that held him suspended in the air, his face turning an unflattering shade of purple. It was a stark contrast to his usual sun deprived pallor.

"Do you two think it is funny to steal from my daughter and then come here to make a mockery of me?!" shouted The Lich King.

Derek shook his head as he continued to hit the massive skeletal arm as a squeaky little voice pierced through the violence.

"Daddy, what's going on? What are you doing to my fweind Amy?"

Standing a few inches inside the door, holding Reginald's hand was a little ball of pink puffy skirts. The little skeleton with a pink bow on top of her bleached white cranium was looking confused as she took in the sight of her father holding a teenage boy by his throat and Amy pulling herself out of a chair, looking disheveled from being thrown.

"I am only trying to get your sword back for you, sweetheart. I found out that these two had it and have done everything I can to get it back."

"But Daddy, I gave that to her affer she pwayed Pwincesses and Knights with me."

"So she didn't take it from you?"

"Nope. It was a weward fo' my knight."

"Wow, this is awkward..." With the realization that his daughter did not actually have her sword stolen but had given it to this girl, the Lich King placed Derek gently on the ground. As the boy broke into a coughing fit trying to fill his oxygen deprived lungs. Amy, seemingly unbothered by her best friend's now lack of danger walked back over and picked up the little girl into a big hug. Then she ran off down the hall to the little girl's room to play some game.

"So, I want to apologize as this has all been a misunderstanding," said the Lich King, his right hand rubbing at the back of his skull in an obvious gesture of embarrassment.

Still coughing, Derek waved his hand brushing away the apology as no big deal.

....

After several hours of playing house with a 5-year-old skeleton and discussing how Amy knew the Lich King and his daughter, the two teenagers left, their lives intact, shiny sword in hand. The path back to the city was easily traversed allowing Derek to think over the events of the day.

"So, this whole time we were attacked because of that sword that was given to you by a little skeleton girl, AKA the Lich King's daughter, from when you were her knight as part of a silly game. You happen to know this little girl because your dad, as the magus treated her for a magical cough a few days back. And now we are headed back home, accomplishing nothing but wasting my Saturday. Does that about sum it all up?"

"Yep," said Amy taking practice swings with the sword. Suddenly the redhead erupted into laughter for no apparent reason. The laughter rocked her body causing tears to roll down her cheeks. After a solid minute she settled down and wiped the tears from her eyes. "...because they don't have any skin!"