Valhalla Can Wait

Valhalla can wait

By Joshua Factor

I couldn't, for the life of me, fathom it. I was seeing a great girl, I was on a career path to success and, for the first time since before the department of homeland security even existed, I didn't aspire to trade lives with the homeless guy living just down the block from me in the alley behind macy's. Maybe I shouldn't even have been thinking about it. Just that in and of itself could jinx everything, right? Or maybe that's just an old wives tale but could I really afford to take that chance? No, I should just let sleeping dogs lie. It's all a domino effect, really. You try and rock the boat even slightly and, before you know it, you find yourself capsized and headed straight towards the nearest waterfall.
Emily is too amazing for my imagination to even conceive. We met in college freshman year and it took me all of a year and three quarters to work up the nerve to make a move. The day I finally asked her out was undoubtedly the longest day in the history of the universe. I sat outside her dorm room for close to three hours just trying to string together a sentence sophisticated enough to not make me sound like a babbling idiot. The most insane part of it all is I was a mathematics major. I could rattle off pi to 100 places just off the top of my head and yet it took me almost two years just to figure out what I was going to say to her.
Every once in awhile, her roommate would come and go at which point I'd be an actor auditioning for my dream role of man searching the floor for his lost contact. It didn't take her long to realize I had 20/20 vision at which point, needless to say, I didn't get the part. I explained my predicament and, unsurprisingly, she was quite supportive. When I finally worked up some nerve, she turned me down. Not because of me in particular but due to her own personal baggage. She claimed she just got out of a relationship that ended less-than-amicably and just wasn't ready to dip her toe into the old dating pool again. Nevertheless, her roommate convinced me to keep the water warm for her, "She's just going through a rough patch" Alyson explained to me, "But she's resilient. She'll bounce back soon enough."
Little did I know how true that middle sentence was. In the weeks that followed, Aly and I ended up becoming well acquainted and our relationship was mutually beneficial. She would give me pointers on the dos and don'ts of being in a relationship, and I would help her with her stats homework. As someone with many mathematically-challenged friends, I could certainly sympathize with her struggle. Eventually, I made a second attempt and, once again, she politely declined, claiming she still wasn't over her ex. Finally, I made a third attempt almost a year after my initial asking, and I finally convinced her to do a cannonball into the deep end. Thus began my most meaningful relationship since high school. Of course, she wasn't particularly fond of epic space battles, secret missions or ridiculously unrealistic car chases. So I found myself being dragged to rom coms time after time. I didn't mind it nearly as much as the other carpet heads because I was genuinely invested in the relationship. It's what came later that completely threw me for a loop.
After about a year of trying to refrain from saying anything stupid, she dropped a bombshell on me. Not your typical bombshell, mind you, of having secret offspring or being involved in some sort of clandestine operation but, rather, a curveball I never saw coming. It smacked me right in the face, leaving a circular bruise, as she told me all about her experience of staring death in the face and coming out on the other side. At just 11, her whole life was inverted upon receiving a diagnosis of the big C. She was in and out of treatment centers so often, she kept an extra toothbrush there. At 14, she hit a speedbump on the road to recovery as she had to come to terms with the fact that she had relapsed. Her folks were frantic about her condition. Sometimes, she could even hearing them bawling their eyes out in the hallway of the hospital when they thought she was out of earshot. During her senior year of high school, she finally showed signs of improvement and was discharged. After she graduated, her parents offered her the chance to take a year off before college, but she was determined not to deviate from the course.
The whole thing caught me off guard, and I wasn't really sure how to respond, so I just reached into my bag of platitudes, pulled out a few out and gently handed them to her. She seemed to be somewhat appeased by this but, just to be sure, I went over to her place the next day. I explained how abysmal I was at comforting people but, just for good measure, added how I'm in it for the long haul. Smiling wide, she responded, "Come back when you have actual news." The next few weeks were spent coming to terms with the information I had just received. I couldn't help but appreciate the irony in the fact that her having the courage to tell me her story of hardship actually impacted me more than her.
I went to Aly the next day to figure out my next move, but apparently it threw her for a loop as well, "She must really trust you"
"So what am I supposed to do?"
"Just be supportive"
"Of what exactly?"
"Everything"
"Everything?"
"Well, as long as it's legal and rational"  
The next few dates, I got to know her a bit better: only child, originally from the backstreets of Charleston, not from a broken home but there are definitely some cracks visible in the foundation, ENS major and a weird aversion to salt. She failed to provide any context on that last one despite my highly-advanced interrogation tactics and, after a while, I just let it go. She wasn't entirely sure what she wanted to do after graduation, but that didn't concern her nearly as much as it probably should have.
Also, I found we had a shared interest in norse mythology. She identifies most with sif while I'm more of a baldr man myself, seeking justice for all that I have lost. We always used to joke that if we ever got separated, we'd rendezvous once more in valhalla and enjoy the feast, which I knew would be there waiting for us regardless of when we actually showed up. After we received the most valuable piece of paper in our lives, we stayed in touch, never letting distance keep us isolated.
Alyson, meanwhile, retreated back to her hometown which just so happened to share a border with mine. She didn't have much luck in terms of job prospects so she found herself joining the family business. We had next to nothing in common and yet we still found ourselves gravitating towards each other because we enjoyed each other's company. Plus, it gave Emily a reason to visit every now and then.
She continued to reside in her hometown about two hours away and we would go back and forth in more ways than one. Sometimes, she would come visit me and, other times, vice versa. We always said one of us would eventually move in closer proximity to the other but it was quite apparent that our roots were keeping us from parting with our respective forests.
Our paths next crossed under less-than-desirable circumstances. All the doctors thought the big C had been completely eradicated. It wasn't until later that they discovered she was just in remission. As such, I ended up playing the old "meet the family" game sooner than expected. I'd spend countless nights adjacent to her beside even if it entailed sleeping on the floor (and more often than not, it did). I spent so much time in that hospital that people were starting to think I was an orderly.
When we finally got the results, they received a lukewarm reception. At least we finally got to match a name to the horrendous force attempting to lay waste to her body. It's known as Paget's disease, a rare form that affects less than 5% of the population. He informed us of the difficulty in treating such a condition due to medical experts being unsure of what causes it in the first place. Nevertheless, he made it clear that he'd do everything he possibly could.
I couldn't help but feel like we were being placated. It was nothing short of excruciating knowing that she had to endure this and I was powerless to help in any way, shape or form. Of course, we had plenty of time to reacquaint ourselves during the countless moments of monotony. I would inform of her my recently-acquired affinity for mahler's piano quartet in A minor and she finally conceded to enjoying blade runner when we went to see it on campus movie night.
We had both grown a bit and yet, for some reason, we still felt somewhat stunted. Perhaps, it was just the circumstances surrounding us. She briefly entertained the notion of giving me power of attorney but I promptly dismissed it, saying it would never come to that. The pages went flying off the calendar and, before long, I had been replaced by some go-getter college grad who couldn't be bothered to let something as frivolous as attachments slow him down.
Of course, I didn't care about my career. In that moment, all that mattered was making sure she was going to come out on the other side. I'd spend my days getting coffee at her behest and my nights reading to her from my personal copy of American Gods. She enjoyed the charismatic writing of Neil Gaiman as well as the opportunity to disavow her problems for the night.
One day, I was returning from my coffee run when a doctor stopped me and motioned to the chair. I took a seat as he commenced with the worst part of his job, "We lost her last night'
"You can't find her?"
"I mean she's gone"
"So she is missing?"
"You're not hearing me. She didn't make it. I'm so sorry. We did everything we could" He got up and left as I remained frozen in place. That seat is where I remained for the next two days. It might have been more but, honestly, it's hard to keep track of time when everything you ever loved has been ripped away from you and incinerated before your very eyes.
Eventually, Alyson came up for the funeral and was able to pry me away from the chair. She took me to the hotel room she was staying at and placed me on the balcony. She returned about twenty minutes later with a towel wrapped around her head and did her best to console me. Of course, none of it was penetrating the black hole surrounding me but I appreciated her making the effort nonetheless. Despite the barricades, she was determined.
In fact, she set up a fundraising page to raise money for future research on the disease. She explained the story of Emily and, within just three days, the page had already accrued upwards of $10,000. The response was overwhelming and it slowly began permeating the fortress of solitude. After a few weeks, I finally gained the energy to leave the balcony.
On those rare days when the weight of the world wasn't dragging me down, I'd go up to inspiration point and just look out on the world. It's one of the highest points in the city where we used to go to introspect and cure my writer's block. Sometimes, the world would implode while I was up there and, other times, it would just waver beyond recognition.
Of course, it never did much good in the long run. I just kept finding myself staring at a person who expired before the appropriate date and I knew my days up there were numbered. Rather than doing the math, I departed from the summit. Each step felt like my feet were riddled with inconsequential bullets. It could have been 45 caliber but I couldn't be bothered with such trivialities.
Eventually, the time had come to deny her thrice. Neil Gaiman somehow got wind of our story and personally came to express his condolences. He was even personable enough to sign my copy of American Gods and handle the funeral arrangement. The worst day of my life began with me arising not long before the break of dawn.
As we lay the body in the boat grave, I tossed the book in there knowing it would be safe with her in Valhalla. They wanted me to say a few words on her behalf but I knew that nothing I said would make any difference so I politely declined. Many of us stayed behind to see the boat float off into the abyss but I was the only one who remained until the very end.
I briefly considered the prospect of hitching a ride and letting the tide ebb me away into parts unknown but I knew I wouldn't last long out there. Finally, I watched as the death raft vanished from sight and I walked away with the black dog in tow. I meandered through the streets throughout all hours of the night and finally found solace in the hay-covered floor of a boxcar.
the next morning, I came to and the sun was gone. The once-open door to the locomotive had since been shut. The urge to stare at the walls and scream for the rest of time was overwhelming. Nevertheless, I felt compelled to return to what was left of the world. It took most of my strength to finally pry open the door and it was quickly apparent that I wasn't in Charlotte anymore.
Evidently, reports of this particular train being defunct had been greatly exaggerated. I eventually discovered my location to be that of Pleasantville. The irony was not lost on me. Once a stop on the underground railroad, I had now arrived there via an actual railroad. It didn't take long to realize I wasn't far from Valhalla, NY and I instantly knew it couldn't be a coincidence.
I walked the 20 miles it took to reach the small hamlet via the train tracks. I stumbled across a local bar, ordered a sea breeze and let it stew for bit. As I stirred it with a straw, I became cognizant of Alyson sitting to the right of me. She ordered sex on the beach and looked at me sternly but remained silent. I was in no mood for talking either so I complemented the silence.
Finally, as I began sipping, I heard a voice try to pull me back to reality, "Don't drink the kool aid" she said. I set down my glass and looked up at her. She tried to hide a look of endearment behind one of condescension but I saw right through it. I let my hand wash over my face as I responded, "I wasn't planning to." She didn't respond so I continued, "Have you been tailing me?'
She set down her glass and looked over to me. If the question irked her at all, she did an excellent job of hiding it. At one point, I caught a glimpse of what seemed to be an eyeroll but it was a split-second motion so it was difficult to discern. "When a person becomes the personification of melancholy" she responded, "It remains imperative to keep them on a short leash"
"You're skirting the question"
"Look" she said, "I only did it because I was concerned. There was no telling what you were going to do and I just wanted to make sure you didn't do anything stupid"
"That ship has sailed." I let my words linger in the midnight air as I waited for a response but it was as if her vocal chords had been taken out of commission. It wasn't long before those lingering came back to bite me and remorse began to set in. I could feel it consuming me and I knew it wouldn't be long before it had taken hold.
She was clearly hurt by what I said but was doing her best not to show it. After what felt like an hour of collecting myself, I finally managed to issue a response, "I'm sorry" I said, "I didn't mean that"
"I know" she said, reaching over to lay her hand on my shoulder. I faced away from her as I turned back to my sea breeze but allowed her to keep her hand in its current location. I knocked back most of the glass hoping it would numb the pain but it only seemed to alter it slightly. I felt the tear ducts begin to activate but promptly pulled the plug.
"So" I said between bouts of brooding, "What now?"
"Now we live." I turned away from the bar to face her. She looked like she had more to say but, instead, she just stared at me longingly. I finished the sea breeze and set it down behind me. With nothing else left to say, I merely responded, "I'm a little out of practice."
"I can give you a refresher course" she said, finally removing her hand from my shoulder, "It's just like riding a bike."
"Why are you doing this?" I asked, getting up from the bar as I made my way towards the door. I could feel the solemn wind behind me as I walked. At first, it was coarse and rough but, later on, it felt more smooth and silky. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed her following me outside before responding, "Because you can't do it alone."
She motioned to an old 2009 toyota venza and I didn't really have the strength to argue about it. Staring out the window, I found that each car we passed on the highway couldn't help but appear insignificant and inconsequential.  Somewhere between my self-deprecation and introspecting, I found myself drifting out of this world and into a better, unencumbered one.
When I returned, I took a minute to let the reality of the situation engulf me. Once that was finished, I finally noticed the vehicle was no longer in motion and she was gone. I got out and examined my surroundings. Somehow, we had come upon a grassy plateau overlooking a beautiful lake. I found a soft spot on the lawn and sat down to gaze longingly at the scenery.
I was so engrossed in the landscape that it took me ten minutes to notice she had taken a spot beside me. It wasn't until I heard her voice that I noticed her sitting there, "It's breathtaking, isn't it?"
"Yeah. I just hope it doesn't take too much because I'm running low"
"You'll be fine" she said, getting up to find a space closer to the water. I followed suit and sat down right beside her in the new spot she had chosen. She just looked at me intently and I thought breaking the silence might exacerbate an already tenable situation. After realizing I was only delaying the inevitable, I brought the silence to a repair shop, "Why are we here?" I asked her.
"You see that couple down there?" she said, pointing to the two people holding hands while walking on the sand. The man sported jet black hair along with a sports jacket over a gray dress shirt and jeans while the woman was a brunette draped in a bright yellow sundress. Their laughing was drowned out by the delightful shouts of children going down the slide.
I looked back at her and remarked, "Yeah"
"Before she met him, she was in a relationship with this wonderful man. He treated her like a queen and she was more than prepared to spend the rest of her life with him. Then, one day she got a call at work that devastated her. He had been struck by a passing car and was pronounced DOA before the ambulance even arrived at the hospital.
She spent the next five years going to therapists and support groups trying to get over the loss of her beloved. She didn't think she could ever be happy again. Then one day, she was on her way to the car after getting groceries when she slipped and dropped her bags all over the ground. Michael over there witnessed the whole thing and dropped everything to help her pick it all up.
They've now been married for three years and they couldn't be happier. I mean just look at them. Their faces say it all."
"How do you know any of this?"
"She's my sister"
"Well, as much as I enjoy storytime" I interjected, "I'm not really seeing the point of all this"
"This point is" she said, standing up and gesturing at me to do the same, "If she can find happiness after a tragic loss, so can you"
"I guess" I said, rising to my feet. I motioned to her and she followed me back to the vehicle. I had her drop me back off at the boxcar I had rode in on because she had to get back home. I knelt down and helped pull her up into the car. She smiled a half-smile as she took a seat across from me. She looked at me deeply and asked, "Are you going to be ok?"
"Well, it's not like I have much of a choice in the matter"
"I'm just not sure how I feel about leaving you to your own devices" she said solemnly
"If it makes you feel any better, my devices have always done a great job taking care of me." She nodded in understanding as she rose to her feet. I helped her out of the car and subsequently felt the earth move beneath me. I waved goodbye to the welcome sign and never looked back. A small part of me still held out hope for a possible derailment but I knew I didn't have that kind of luck.
As we meandered past the tortuous valley, I lay on my back and looked up at the sky as if expecting to receive some sort of sign that indicates everything's hunky dory. But all that was staring back at me was a deep blue tableau coupled with the occasional ball of condensed vapor. My eyes slammed shut on me as I disappeared from the boxcar.
When they finally reopened, I found myself in a completely white room lying on a bed. I arose and looked out the window. It was mostly white outside too with the occasional gold edifice here and there. I headed for the door but, before I got there, something caught me eye. It was a calendar for the month of September and the only thing written on there was a reminder for an 11:00 meeting.
I left the room and walked through the door at the end of the hallway. I traversed this bright new landscape, continually following the signs that pointed toward a place called Valhalla. When I finally arrived, it turned out to be some sort of delicatessen. I looked up and noted the sign, Valhalla Deli and Cafe. it took me awhile to notice Emily sitting at one of the outdoor tables.
I was unsure of how to respond until she gestured at me to come join her. Even then, I remained a bit apprehensive but I nevertheless pulled out the chair across from her and sat down. She smiled at me and I did my best to return it. She reached out, took my hand in hers and intently asked, "Are you ok? You seem a bit distant"
"Yeah, I just didn't expect you to be here"
"Do you not like having brunch outdoors? Because they have some indoor seating as well" she said as she gradually rose from her chair. I pulled her back down into her seat.
"This is fine" I said, "I just didn't expect it to happen like this"
"I know I'm a little early" she said, glancing down at her watch, "But I just wanted to ensure I was punctual. You did say 11, right?"
"So it would seem." I said, glancing up at the sign. I placed my head on a swivel and did a full 360 to examine my surroundings. It all looked so surreal and yet it felt like I belonged here. I wasn't entirely cognizant of the circumstances but somehow I got the feeling that it didn't really matter so long as I was with her.
"So" I said, trying to sound casual, "This is Valhalla?"
"Not what you expected, is it?"
"Yeah, they really oversold it"
"Well, it may not look like much but the food here is supposed to be the best in town"
"The view's not half bad either"
"You say the sweetest things." When the waiter came, I pointed to some random item on the menu and she had the egg salad. After the conclusion of the feast, we went for a walk. I considered asking for some context regarding our situation but eventually decided I was probably better off not knowing. Living (or lack thereof) in the moment is the most important thing you can do.
It just took me a while to realize that I was so busy existing that I actually forgot to live. Fortunately, she was always there to bring me back. Whether or not this reality is verified is irrelevant. In that moment, the only thing pertinent was being able to experience pure happiness for the first time in forever, even if only for a moment.