Dieman and Dr. Hurimore

DIEMAN AND DR. HURIMORE


“Good morning Mr. Dieman. I'm Dr. Hurimor. Please sit down. May I offer you something to drink?”
“Yes, that would be very nice of you.”
“We have a variety of fruit teas, a variety of fruit juices and a variety of water. Which would you prefer?”
“Oh, a variety of trees, please.”
“No, Mr. Dieman, I said teas, not trees.”
“Oh? I could have sworn you said trees, Doctor.”
“But I didn't say trees, Mr. Dieman. I distinctly and emphatically said 'teas.' Now, which flavor would you prefer?”
“In what flavor do trees come, Doctor?”
“Mr. Dieman, I know what you're doing and I will not allow you to upset me or change the direction of this interview. Now, what flavor tree would you like?”
“SEE? You just said it. You asked me what flavor tree would I like. Did you hear yourself say that?”
(silence)
“Yes, Mr. Dieman, I heard myself make a very common error in speech and commit what is called a twist of the tongue, using a word I had not intended to use in place of a word I intended to use. Now, once, again, Mr. Dieman, what flavor tree would you like?”
“Since we ARE talking about trees and not teas, I would...”
“MR. DIMIN. WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT TREES. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT TEAS AND I AM GROWING WEARY OF ASKING YOU WHAT FLAVOR TREE YOU WOULD LIKE TO DRINK.”
“Doctor, my name is Dieman and you're yelling at me and we ARE talking about trees because you just asked me, again, what flavor tree I would like to....”
“Mr. Dimean, we are ggoing to dddrop the subject of ttea and ggo on with the intervvview. It is obbvious to mmme that you rrreally ddon't ccare to dddrink any tree... I mean tea. I bbelieve, however, thththat I will hhave a cccup of tttree... I mmmean tttea.”
“Are you alright, Doctor. Your face is ashen and you're stuttering.”
“Ssilly mman, I dddon't sstutter. It wwwas a pppproblem I had years agggo but overcccame it. Nnnnnow pppplease, ggggo on wwwwith yyyyour sssstory.”
“I haven't started my story, Doctor.”
“DAMMIT TO HELL!! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO TO ME. I'M THE DOCTOR HERE, NOT YOU. NOW SIT YOUR DAMMD ASS IN THAT CHAIR AND TELL ME WHAT THE HELL YOUR FREAKIN' PROBLEM IS OR..........”
(silence)
(“I am calm. I am calm. I am calm. I am a psychiatrist and I am calm. I am calm.”) Mr. Dimmit, please forget about the tea and begin your story so we can achieve something positive in this interview. I have another custom... patient waiting to see me.”
“Doctor, why do you keep confusing my name? You see? This is why I came to see you. Everyone around me is always confused, impatient and so demanding. Like you, Doctor, people are always yelling at me. I feel so abused.”
“Mr. Drummond, I was trying to be nice to you when you came into my office and I offered you something to drink. The very first thing you did was to confuse the issue of the drink to such a point that I'm quite sorry I brought the matter up in the first place.”
“Where is the first place, Doctor? You refer to it like it's something with which you're threatening me and my name is Dieman, not Drummond.”
“Mr. Dorman, may we uncomplicate a very simple jesture of frendliness and hospitality by...
“HOSPITAL? I WAS TOLD WE COULD DO THIS IN YOUR OFFICE!”
“Mr. Ditmor, please calm yourself, sir. I was offering you a dammd cup of tea, your choice of dammd trees being apple, orange or peach. ”
“Now you're talking about the trees, again. What kind of place is this? Are you going to help me or not? Are you the doctor or an imposter? You just said something about the hospital. Are you sending me there?”
“No, Mr. Desmor. No one is sending you to the hospital. I used the word hospitality to indicate our willingness to accept you for the person you are. Would you like a cup of tea?”
“No doctor. I'll pass for now and my name is Dieman, not Desmor.”
“Good. Then why don't you tell me how I might help you.”
“Doctor, I don't know how to deal with people around me. They are so confused and impatient all the time. Why, just this morning, a man asked me what time it was and almost fifteen minutes later, he was yelling at me, calling me names, asking me why didn't I just tell him what time it was instead of telling him how the wrist watch works. Why, I didn't do that. I just explained how I received the watch as a gift, that I could use it to help people know what time it is. I hadn't worked for the watch for thirty years for the same company, it was just a gift. He seemed to be very agitated. I offered him one of my anti-anxiety pills but he refused, then began yelling at me, again. I was just being nice to the man.”
“Yes; I'm sure you were. Now, Mr. Dresman, why don't you tell me something about yourself.”
“Where would you like me to begin, Doctor and my name is Dieman, not Dresman?”
“Begin any place you would like to begin, Mr. Ditmus.”
“Dieman, Doctor. Deiman. I suppose the best place to start is at the beginning. Well, here I am, at the beginning. But before I begin, I need to begin before the beginning to tell you what to expect after I begin. That seems to be part of the trouble with starting at the beginning. I need to do some pre-begin beginning before I actually begin so you'll understand the beginning once I begin. I began once before but the beginning was in the middle and I couldn’t tell how to begin at the beginning if the beginning was not where the beginning begins. If I begin at the middle and you don’t know the beginning is not where beginning is, then you will begin in the middle and not know the beginning is not there. The beginning could begin at the end or in the middle, but if the beginning began at the start, then the middle could not begin and neither could the end. To begin (I began), as I began to say when I began to begin, I can began and you will not know I have begun. To begin the beginning at the beginning is beginning. So I will begin at the end and hope that helps.”
(silence)
“Doctor, why are your teeth chattering?”
(silence)
“Doctor, are you alright?”
“Oh yes, Mr. Dumon. I'm jus...”
“Doctor, that's Dieman... D I E M A N.”
“Yes, Mr. Domum. I know your name. I have it right here beside me.”
“It's in front of you, Doctor.”
“Oh yes. So it is. I thought I wrote it on the arm of my chair.”
“No Doctor, you wrote it on the paper tablet in front of you.”
“Yes. (silence) Yes. So I did. Please continue, Mr. Dormin.”
“Doctor, that's DEEEEEEMAAAAAAN. D I E M...”
“DAMMIT, please continue.”
“Oh, very well. Where was I? Do you recall where I stopped, Doctor? You keep interrupting me. I can't believe the insensitivity of the people with whom I come in contact so often. Oh dear. Look at the time. I'll miss my bus to the auction if I ...”
“You're going to an auction? What kind of auction?”
“Oh Doctor, the best kind. Estate sales; it's where when a person dies...”
“Yes, I know what an estate sale is. I just can't believe that YOU are going to an auction. Is this your first time there?”
“Oh goodness, no. These nice people see me quite regularly. I've been there at least once every ten years and ...”
“Wait. You just said 'quite regularly' then you said at least once every ten years. How is that quite regular?”
“Very simple, Doctor. If I come to see you once a week, you would say I'm a weekly visitor, isn't that right?”
“Yes, go on.”
“And if I come to see you once a month, then you would say I'm a monthly visitor. Isn't that right?”
“Yes, go on.”
“And if I come to see you once a year, then you would say that I'm a yearly visitor. Right?”
“Yes. Right.”
“So if I visit the auction once every ten years, then you would say that I'm a decadely visitor, right?”
(silence for a moment) “Yes, Mr. Deadpan. I'm so sorry you must leave my office now. I must tell you that our conversation will be a memory not soon forgotten. But I would like to refer you to a doctor who I know can help your situation. Here is his card.”
“Oh. Thank you, Doctor. His name is Frank N. Stein?”
“Yes. Now let me show you to the door, in the event, (God forbid) you might get lost on your way out.”
“But the door is right behind me, Doctor.”
“Make a nice day for yourself, Mr. Dormous. I'll call Dr. Stein to let him know you'll be visiting his office, soon.”
“DEEEEEEMMMMMAAAAANNNN, Doctor. DIEMAN.”
“Yes, I know... only too well.”
(slam)