breaking down

The road seemed to stretch endlessly before us, the headlights dimly illuminating the it's hypnotic white dashes magically appearing on the horizon before disappearing below the headlights. I wasn't sure if I could stay awake, but I promised him I'd keep him company to keep him awake. I never really liked road trips. I looked over at Steven to see his eyelids falling too. His struggle to keep them open reminded me of the heavy velvet curtains my Mother has on her living room windows. They're way too heavy, so they're always closed, making the house look like some Moroccan funeral home. I never really liked my Mother, either.

"Hey babe, you ok? Want me to drive for a bit?" I asked this knowing full well he was going to say no, he was fine. No man in the history of falling asleep at the wheel ever took his wife up on the offer to relieve him.

"No, I'm fine." Of course he was. "We've got at least another 2 hours before we hit Flagstaff." I breathed in the silence of the pause, knowing what was coming next. "I fucking know where we are, thanks." he stabbed at me.

"Just trying to be helpful." I said, knowing it made no difference. So we continued this way for another 30 minutes, the whole time I watched him doze off and begin to veer off the road. Then I would nudge him or say something to wake him and he'd be irritated at me. I stopped trying to be good company hours ago, it became obvious he had nothing to say to me that wasn't combative. I hate when he got like that, so much hostility disguised as superiority. Everything I said was wrong, anything anyone else did that I found at all endearing or approved of was garbage. It was a no win situation for yours truly.

Don't misunderstand, he wasn't like this all of the time. Most of the time he was jovial, kind, accommodating, and sometimes even downright affectionate. But now wasn't one of those times. Right now he was stressed out to the point of no return, and this was when he was at his worst.

He had been fired from his job three days ago in not a particularly dignified way. Understandably he took this very personally and that was just one piece of the puzzle of misery. This rejection caused him to lash out at me at home, which I can handle but when he behaves like it never happened and wants to fuck later that night I just can't bring myself to be engaged. I can go through the motions for the sake of keeping the peace but he can always tell and that sets him off even worse. So the rejection of the job, the rejection from me, and the stress of worrying about how to regain a livelihood enough to support a family had him in the worst place I had ever seen him. He was on the verge of a nasty episode, that much was certain.

I was lost in thoughts about our children, our home and how life was going to change when we got back when the car started to veer off the road again. I nudged Steven in the arm with my elbow, and he jolted awake. Just as he was beginning to attempt to tell me he was awake for the 6th time in an hour there was the sound of an explosion.

At first I thought it was someone shooting a rifle out in the desert and for a flash of a moment I was terrified we had ventured unknowingly onto someone's land. People out in this area, particularly in the less populated areas did not ask questions. They assumed you were an outsider and a threat, so they reacted accordingly. Usually with a shotgun.

This is where I was raised, these were the kinds of people I grew up around. To this day I am bewildered by this fact. It didn't take but a second to figure out the sound came from the car. At first I thought it was a tire, but instead of wobbling, the car started smoking from underneath the hood.

"Fuuuuuck!" I looked over at Steven next to me in the drivers' seat, anticipating what I would see there with a mixture of fear and fortitude.

**************************************TBC*********************************