To Whom It May Concern

To Whom It May Concern,

As I click the clock closed a final time, stealing away into the night without your knowledge, I pause in reverence of the life I’m leaving behind that door. I take only what’s mine, and leave behind memories of a shatter dream and an aching heart. Weeks later, I think about whether or not to contact you. The thought of your face still jabs into my sides, and sinks into the pits of my stomach. It feels an age since we last met, as each time we were together it felt like meeting anew, never quite the same person I thought I’d met before. A different shape, different story, different signs and coloured flags. Enough to keep me enthralled and on edge, but not enough to get close.

The day you stole my breath, not the way I would have imagined, was the day I could have walked away. Squarely where our baby would have been growing, you struck a part of me I have yet to reclaim. I mourn for that little girl, though she is with me, waiting to meet me in the next phase of our eternal existence. She is not yours, but she will forever be mine. She grew within me, imbued with my essence, and heard me speak. She knows my pain, my joy, and my fears. She skips along side me as I traverse this new path, holding my hand when it gets dark. My Shepard walks beside me, ushering in a new paradigm and way of existing in this earthly plain. Through all things, I am reborn. Through the darkness I spun into with you, and out the other side, comes the dawn.

My anger toward you rises and falls like the geysers I explored in New Zealand, penetrating heat and blinding hot rage, yet it dissipates like hot steam, fogging my vision for only a short time until the sun of my future burns away the residue of the lies you spun. For I cannot hate that which I have chosen, as you and I are one. I would be choosing to hate a part of myself, a habit I’m slowly leaving behind. Through your games, your headfucks, your manipulation and your subjugation – I see you. I see a lost boy, encased in fear and propelled by desperation to fit in, within a world you know no longer needs you. You don’t need my pity, however for my own hearts sake you will have my forgiveness, in time. Just because you know better, doesn’t mean you will know how to do better. Our story unfolded in ways I never expected, burned at the edges by lies, betrayal and violence. Yet I was not innocent, I committed betrayals of the flesh that I kept hidden from you, and of the mind and heart. Ours was not a pure love, but a meeting of two people who had strayed far from the path and were lost together in the wild, without a compass or compassion for self and what was reflected. A false flame, burning at both ends until eventually it burned out. I walk away with lessons of self-reliance, truth, commitment to mastery and a better understanding of the ways of “man”. I hope you walk away with what you need, too.

E