nights like this.

nights like this
when i’ve fucked up
upset everyone
broke everything
ruined anything that had the chance of
being good
that’s when i know
just how alone i am
how broken
and useless
and hopeless
and meaningless
that’s when i know
i really don’t matter
you say that i do,
that everyone matters
but that’s just a lie.
that’s a lie that we tell each other in hopes that we one day
         we believe it ourselves.
that one day we believe that our existing matters.
so on nights like this,
when everyone is sleeping,
when i’m all alone,
it’s hard to not let those thoughts take over.
and some nights i let them
and i wind up doing stupid things
stupid things that i later regret but keep going back to
         because they feel good in the moment.
nights like this
are the nights i regret the most
but also the ones where i often find the most comfort within
         myself.
when no one can help or stop anything.
and i’m all alone
just me and my thoughts.