The Reluctant Boyfriend. Scene 1.

SCENE 1

(A modern apartment being redecorated. Kitchen area upstage. Stage left front door, stage right doors to bedrooms and bathroom. On the floor, in front of a sofa, a body dressed in overalls.)

Enter through main door CAITLIN carrying shopping bags.

CAITLIN.
It's only me. You really wouldn't believe what happened. (Puts the bags down and notices the body.) Oh sweetheart, could you come here a moment? (Listening.) Now!

Enter MAN from bedroom holding paintbrush.

MAN
Okay, okay, I'm coming. What's up?

CAITLIN.
What's this?

MAN.
What's what?

CAITLIN.
(points to the body.) This!

MAN.
It's a dead body. (Realises.) It's a dead body!

CAITLIN.
I can see it's a dead body. What I want to know is, (loudly) what is it doing on my new carpet?

MAN.
That's a good question. (Beat) Why are you looking at me like that?

CAITLIN.
Like what?

MAN.
You're giving me the look women always give you when they’ve already decided they’re not going to believe anything you’re about to say.

CAITLIN.
Oh, I don't know, past experience maybe?

MAN.
Look, it's nothing to do with me.

CAITLIN.
Really? I suppose it just walked in all by itself did it? All you had to do was paint the spare room. Wall, brush, paint, even you couldn't get into trouble doing that. (Pause) Well, feel free to join in at any time?

MAN.
I - .

CAITLIN.
Don't give me that.

MAN.
I only -.

CAITLIN
You’ve been out, with Harry, watching the soccer at Murphys?

MAN.
We call it 'football'.

CAITLIN. '
“We” don't care. (Sniffs). Have you been drinking.

MAN.
No! I swear not a drop of alcohol has passed my lips. I - .

CAITLIN.
Oh God! You’ve been on a job again haven’t you?

MAN.
No. (Pause.) Well, only a little one. I swear I wasn't gone long. There was this little, (beat) is it my imagination or has the temperature in this place just gone down about ten degrees?

CAITLIN.
We talked about this, and after what happened last time.

MAN.
It was a misunderstanding.

CAITLIN.
How can being chased over the rooftops by a SWAT unit be a misunderstanding?

MAN.
They were early. Anyway, some people are into jogging, I'm into extreme sports. What are you looking at?

CAITLIN.
He’s been bleeding over my carpet, (beat) and now is not the time for one of your bad jokes. (Examines body.) Two shots, nice grouping. Who is he? Police?

MAN.
Would have knocked.

CAITLIN.
Someone from your misspent youth?

MAN.
(offended.) My youth was never that misspent. Though come to think of it, it did have its moments. We’ve been set up!

CAITLIN.
Obviously.

MAN.
Police are already on their way?

CAITLIN.
Undoubtedly.

MAN.
Tricky.

CAITLIN.
But I just know you’re going to think of something really clever to get us out of this. In the meantime, I’m hungry. (Starts to make something to eat.)

MAN.
If you're making -.

CAITLIN.
I'll do you a sandwich for later. And no, you can't watch 'the football', not until you've sorted out your little problem.

MAN.
My problem? Okay, okay what to do? (Scratches chin.) Hmm.

CAITLIN.
What are you doing?

MAN.
I'm scratching my chin.

CAITLIN.
I can see that. Why?

MAN.
It helps me to think. Okay. (Pause.) I've got it.

CAITLIN.
Yes?

MAN.
We need to move the body.

CAITLIN.
My hero.

MAN.
I'll dump the body in the river. It will look like he fell in.

CAITLIN.
Was that before or after someone shot him?

MAN.
Good point. (Scratches top of head.)

CAITLIN.
Thinking again?

MAN.
Yes.

CAITLIN.
Well, as long as you don't start scratching anything else.

MAN.
Okay, have you got any better ideas?

CAITLIN.
You could search the body first.

MAN.
Ugh. Why would I want to do that?

CAITLIN.
Oh, I don't know, for clues maybe, who he is and what he's doing here. Start with his wallet and his phone.

MAN.
Why would I want to do that?

CAITLIN.
To find out who killed him of course. In fact, come to think of it, this is something we could do together. Solve the crime I mean. I keep telling you we don't do enough things together. What do you think?

MAN.
I think it's right up there with, 'lets go into the creepy old house to see if the psycho killer is still there'. Normal people just call the police.

CAITLIN.
We're not normal people, at least find out who he is.

MAN.
Oh, for crying out loud. (Searches body.) Work overalls, bit like mine. No phone, no wallet, nothing, and no, I'm not checking the labels of his clothes or doing any of that CSI / NCIS stuff you watch. What we have is a stiff who from the look of it, seems to have been shot from close range. Does make you wonder why no one heard the shots? Probably used a silencer. But why was he here in the first place and who shot him?

CAITLIN.
Admit it, you're a little bit interested.

MAN.
(firmly.) No, I told you, I'm not getting involved, in any of it. Body removal, we need a professional, I'll call Julian.

CAITLIN.
Is that wise?

MAN.
I'm sure he's forgotten about that business with the Chinese cargo ship and the three Mexican ladies.

CAITLIN.
You've never really explained what you did do with the ship?

MAN.
I swapped it.

CAITLIN.
What for?

MAN.
Some bananas. Rather a lot of bananas actually. Look, it could have happened to anyone. It was just one big misunderstanding. There was this guy and he had a daughter but it's not what you think, and, well, you really wouldn't believe what happened next.

CAITLIN.
No, I don't suppose I would. Oh just phone Julian!

MAN.
(Phones.) Julian, it's me. I ... what do you mean 'no'? I haven't asked you yet.....Well, how was I to know 'she' was a man. Look, it was an innocent mistake -.

CAITLIN.
Oh give it here. (Takes phone from MAN.) Julian, it's Caitlin, I know, I know, but what can I do with him? .... I've tried that but short of handcuffing him to a chair...yes. I need a favour. Disposal of a body....Don't ask... How much? .... I'm sure he will do that for you... What's the address? ....Okay got that. About two hours, he'll be there.

MAN.
If we are paying him why can't he come here and pick it up?

CAITLIN.
I don't know, something about a Chinese cargo ship and three Mexican ladies?

MAN.
Fair enough. How much?

CAITLIN.
He wants the Verlinksi diamond. It seems he needs it to meet some sudden expenses.

MAN.
I don't have it.

CAITLIN.
But he knows you can steal it.

MAN.
The Verlinski is worth about two million dollars. Don't you think we are overpaying a little?

CAITLIN.
Right now, no!

MAN.
The Verlinski is in that new building downtown, it would be virtually impossible to steal. It's protected by that new Sigma -.

CAITLIN.
Stop.

MAN.
And stealing it is the easy part I would still have to -.

CAITLIN.
Stop! Please stop. No more. I give in. I love you for the genius you tell me you are and I'm sure you'll work it all out. But right now, will you please just get rid of the body on my new carpet!

MAN.
Okay. (Pause.) I need some alcohol before the police arrive.

CAITLIN.
Do you really think now is the time to get drunk?

MAN.
It's for 'Frank' here.

CAITLIN.
Frank?

MAN.
We have to call him something. I'll pour whiskey over him and stick him in the bed in the spare room. That way when the police arrive, they'll just think he has passed out. Odds are they won't check too closely. Then we move the body later.

CAITLIN.
That's your plan?

CAITLIN shakes her head and starts to make a sandwich.

MAN.
(starts to move body.) You couldn't give me a hand could you?

CAITLIN.
(firmly.) I don't think so.

MAN struggles with the body.

MAN.
(quietly.)No, you might break a finger nail or something.

CAITLIN.
I heard that.

MAN.
(quietly.) That's because you've got bat like hearing.

CAITLIN.
And that.

Exit MAN with body. Knock on door, CAITLIN opens. Enter SMITH.

CAITLIN.
(clearly likes what she sees.) Hi.

SMITH.
(holds up badge. ) I'm Detective Smith.

CAITLIN.
(loudly. Looks behind her.) You're with the police?

SMITH.
(puzzled at her behaviour.) Yes. We're making enquiries into reports of a man acting suspiciously.

CAITLIN.
Really? Do take a seat and tell me all about it.

SMITH sits, CAITLIN pulls up a chair and sits uncomfortably close to him.
MAN Enters talking.

MAN.
You wouldn't believe the trouble I had getting Frank into bed. (Notices SMITH.) Oh hello.

SMITH.
(rising.) Good evening.

CAITLIN.
This is Detective Smith.

MAN.
You're with the police?

SMITH.
That's right sir.

MAN.
When I said I was trying to get him into bed, it wasn't how it sounded. I was only trying to get his clothes off. (Beat) Oh.

SMITH.
That's all right, we're very understanding.

MAN.
No, I meant he was dead.

SMITH.
(becoming interested.) Dead?

MAN.
(desperately.) Drunk. Dead drunk. And therefore needed some assistance.

SMITH.
To take all his clothes off?

CAITLIN.
What he is trying to say is we're letting Frank come round a bit before taking him home. Bit of a party.

MAN.
That's it! Exactly.

CAITLIN.
Now we've got that sorted out, the Detective was telling me about the enquiries he is making.

SMITH.
Yes, I was telling your -.

MAN.
(interrupting quickly.)We're not, no, nothing like that, well, not at the moment anyway.

CAITLIN.
And we're never likely to be after this performance. Anyway, the Detective was asking if we had seen anyone acting suspiciously? (Pause.) Apart from you that is.

MAN.
No. No, don't recall anyone, no, no one at all. No.

SMITH.
I see. (Takes out notebook.) I think I will just make a note for later. In the meantime I will leave you may card.

CAITLIN.
(takes card.) Thank you.

Exit SMITH.

I think that went well.

MAN.
(doubtful.) Do you really thinks so?

CAITLIN.
Oh absolutely. Now don't you have a body to start moving?

MAN.
What if the Detective sees me carrying Frank out?

CAITLIN.
Don't worry he knows you're just good friends.

Lights Down.