time zones and you.

youre an hour behind. not horrible, but still something. if i said i was tired over the phone you would get upset and i would force myself to stay up later, despite already having problems sleeping.
when i would listen to you fall asleep, listen to your breathing become slower and softer, see your smile in your sleep, see how peaceful you look.
i would mute my end.
turn off my camera.
and cry.
for hours.
because i know i was going to lose you.
and maybe you broke me repeatedly.
and ruined my trust.
made me scared of going into a relationship and trusting people.
i still wonder how you look in your sleep.
i wonder if someone else is holding you.
its 4 a.m.
youre peacefully asleep without a care in the world.
while im awake, taking shots of vodka to try and forget everything about you, i just end sick to my stomach and crying harder over you