AM I SITTING OR STANDING, AM I GOING OR COMING?
For the past few years I have tried to find who I am but to no
success as of yet. I am struggling to find my identity, my true inner
me. I struggled, each day and night I pray to God to show me His
purpose of myself on this world. Does God hear? Does He answer? Why
am I in the same position which I was or even worse 22 years ago.
What is it that I did that God cannot forgive me of? Most people I
know are somewhere- somewhere you can see that a supernatural power
is at work. How can I also get hold of that supernatural power? A
power that takes you from nothing to something without begging all
night and all day. A power that can surpasses all your fears and
understandings. Supernatural power which can give you break from all
the torments of this world. My heart is heavy, I am grieving. Its
like there is a monitoring gadget which always controls my life - A
gadget which was programmed for my downfall, it gets paid on my
downfall. My skin is no longer attractive no matter the amount of oil
I can apply. I am sad. I do not have a happy life. I am here seeing
other people living life and I am just escorting them yet I want to
live up to 108 years. Who am I? Where am I going and what is it that
God wants to see in me. Haven't I been strong enough for me to be
living up to this years struggling like this. Is my name also written
in His Chronicles?
Yes, is it not written? I grew up in a big suburb of the capital
city of my Country. I was exposed to all good and bad things. It is
not like I was born in a neglected city, yet my life shows that. The
city I grew up in has many talents. It has singers both of world and
gospels (although few of them by then) dancers, models, politicians
etc. I was exposed to good and bad life. That was supposed to give me
an opportunity to choose what I would want to become. Yet I failed or
let me say I am still failing. On second thoughts, maybe I did not
fail at all. Maybe the universe chooses for me, yet also I do not
like what the universe has chosen for me.
Being the first born of six children, my parents did everything
they could for their first daughter. I was very advantaged. The
schools I went to were not that very expensive ones but yet they were
good. If I could classify my family life, I would classify them as a
medium class. I was also not a dumb in school yet also not the
cleverest child in that school. I was a day scholar on primary and
become a boarder in secondary. My everyday wish and dream was to have
a successful life when I grow up. I always see myself having it all
in life. I started to day dream when I was still very young. At the
age of eleven I was already seeing myself having kids with a lovely
husband. At that time that was a wish of everybody but let me not say
for everybody. Maybe it was my wish only. Having a husband and
children was a resemblance of having God 's favour at that time.
Yes, we have so many role models in our society but by that time
singers were labelled as demonic people. They were not taken up
seriously. One was supposed to have a white-collar job for him /her
to be taken up seriously in society. I remember at one time when I
was about to write my grade seven exams. My parents were very adamant
that I pass. For them nothing was going to stop me from passing. I
was the first born and I was supposed to lead by example. They were
providing me with everything I want. I was also supposed to pass so
that I can go to a good school and become a doctor. Once I become a
doctor I was expected to change the way they were living. I was going
to be an example to the whole clan of our surname since no-one has
ever made it. My cousins all of them have fallen pregnant before
finishing high school. We are few girls in the whole clan. I failed a
mock exam of my grade seven paper. My father could not agree with it.
He personally took me to one of the white gowns spiritual person so
that he can pray and remove whatever the people who hate us has put
in my eyes in order to block me from seeing clearly on my exam paper.
The white gown spiritual man, wearing his long gown danced and
prayed calling his god. He could chant words only himself could
understand. He could call names in which some will be similar to our
relatives and my father will nod in agreement and some will not and
he would say those names were friends to those which were similar to
our relatives. My father would nod in agreement. At one moment he
distracted my father and I remember vividly seeing him removing snake
shells from one his undergarment pockets together with the teeth of a
cat. He quickly pulled my eyes (up to now I still have a visible scar
on my right eye) and started to pray in his language and pulled my
eyes again. He immediately opens his hands and dropped the things on
the floor and purported that they have come from my eyes. My father
was convinced and I could not have convinced to him that it was a
lie. In that moment you all tend to believe it. I was still eleven of
age.
Today I am in my late 30's. I am left with 4 days to clock in my
forties. I don't feel happy to divulge my years. I always lie when
it comes to my age in case someone might take a deep look on me. I
don't have something to show which is equivalent to my years apart
from my lovely kids. I don't wish to celebrate it also, not that I
am not thankful that God has taken me this far but because on every
birthday people will ask "How old are you now....". So, to avoid
that question I would rather pretend my birthday will be next month,
that next month which will never come. Life to me is just life. I can
smell that it can be enjoyable and I heard it too from others yet I
can not live it. I have failed in my life several times. I have
failed as a wife, in my career, I have failed as a Christian and I
have failed as a citizen in my country. I have failed as a sister and
I have failed as a mother to my children. I am surrounded by failure
yet that is not what I want. I have been a Christian since, and a
very serious Christian for a period of 8 years and for the past 2
years have been a lukewarm Christian yet life is taking a deep and
sharp slope down. I have done what a person need to do to survive but
not the worst. My Pastor taught me that I am superior no-matter what,
even the bible says so. I have been created by the image of God. I
am not a failure. I always says this but my life is heeding the
opposite of what I say. I have been taught to declare every day that
I am virtuous woman. Surprisingly I am leaving a painful life. Where
is the virtue in that type of life? I thank God for my beautiful 3
kids He blessed me with. Each time I look at them I get hope. They
give me courage to fight on yet my bones are now weak. Am I going to
make it in life despite of having children only. What Legacy am I
going to leave my children with? I do not have a place of my own. I
work for meagre salary which after deducting rent and transport money
I will be only left with money which allows me to buy only the
necessities of life. The necessities which are not even enough
because before my next pay day I will in short of mealie-meal.
I am beautiful in structure yet inside I am
damaged. I realised the extent of the damaged I brought to myself and
how it happens. I dream too much. I expect too much from God. I have
higher expectations, very high expectations. I know what I want and
where I want to go yet I am failing to have it and even failing to
take one step. It seems my feet are glued in one place. What should I
do to unglue my feet? I know the type of husband I want yet I am
single. I know the house I want to live in yet I am renting in a
small apartment. I know the car I want to drive yet I am tracking. I
have been tracking since I was born until now. I have gone to
driver's school several times and wrote my learners and passed but
no car. They said FAITH is everything. FAITH is holding to nothing,
until that nothing becomes something. When is my nothing is becoming
something? I am old now. I have been living in FAITH. Should I be
like Abraham in the bible who got his breakthrough at a very old
stage? But Abraham was blessed. He was rich despite not having
children. So, me What do I have? Oh I have children, 3 children. The
kids I am unable to feed properly. I thank you God.
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