Excuses

I made a lot of excuses to delay Shain's visit. I knew that I would be an emotional wreck if he came. I had visions of losing my total composure in front of him and the overwhelming feeling of completeness would make me lose my mind at the thought of him departing. I was sure that watching him leave would recreate the same feeling I had the first time he left me.

I didn't get at all what I bargained for... What I got may be much, much worse though. Instead of being hyper emotional, I was calm and comfortable. It was like sitting on the couch with him is how it should of been all along. I felt as if there wasn't a single moment in my life before now that I felt more correct, more secure and more fulfilled. I didn't know it while it was happening, but I was experiencing the new emotion of security that I would, hours later, already miss terribly.

I felt like a different person with him around. I was engaging in an equal conversation that was effortless and full of pure understanding. We were sharing wonderful stories and laughing like we hadn't just spent ten years apart.

There was a point where I thought that our visit would end up completely innocent (though all I could think about was his touch). I wasn't disappointed by that thought, I was just blissful that he was there, next to me.

This amazing man who I have loved for for my whole teen and adult life, drove six hours to see me. Six hours with no guarantees of anything more than seeing my face. This man who has, frankly, treated me so badly at various points in the last 10 years was, in this moment, dedicated to me and me only. I couldn't believe that it was happening. Is it possible that everything he had told me felt was real? Is it possible that I wasn't involved in some awful, lingering high school crush that would never be requited? Is it possible that my irrational blind faith in us and our destiny, could be more than just a silly fantasy I believe to help me feel wanted? Is it possible...

I begged him to stay. I knew I would. Though it was a light-hearted offer of him to pick up his life and be with me (alright, maybe not so light-hearted) and I wasn't crushed when he left to drive home. I knew he would leave, I knew that an impulse to stay wouldn't overtake him. He's not me, afterall. He has some sense of moderation when it comes to impulses.

I miss him terribly, more than I thought was possible. But yet I am not siting here completely heartbroken, as I was sure would be the case. Instead, my faith in true love has been restored. Nothing has been solved, nothing has been promised and maybe this will be just what it was: a one-nighter. But my heart has a hard time believing that I could feel so comfortable closing my eyes while he told me random stories and laying next to him, sharing his warmth, and have it all be simply for peace of mind and the soul.

I haven't spoken to him about his take. He said he wants to visit again. There is a possibility that could just be his kind demeanor trying to silence my fears of it being another 10 years before I lay my eyes on him. But for now, I am going to choose to believe that he won't break my heart again. That, in time, it will all work out the way that my faith has assured me. Our story isn't a cautionary tale, it is a twisted and complicated story of true love despite life and wrong choices.