I'm sorry

To Megan,

I'm sorry for not being the friend you were to me, before I knew that's all I really needed. I'm sorry for being angry at you for things you didn't even have a part in, like my crush moving away and Tourette's leaving my self esteem in a sorry heap and my dad twisting my mind for year after year. I'm sorry for throwing your super-ball off the cliff as we were walking to you car, I honestly didn't think it would make it through the fence. I didn't think that would be the last day I saw you. I wish I could change all the things I didn't think about then.

That ball was really cool, it must've bounced four stories. I really did think it was cool then too when you showed it off to your best friend, I didn't know why I said something negative and angry like a jerk. I didn't know why I pushed you away for the 2 months you came with your mom from your new school to pick me and your brother up every day. I didn't know why I felt like I hated you after we spent basically our entire lives we could remember as best friends. I didn't hate you, really. I just hated life because of the things that made it hard that I couldn't control, and I didn't know how to deal. I hate all the things I did to push you away and ignore you that you didn't deserve, especially after you tried so hard to stay friends and be there for me.

You defended me to the faces of teachers who thought I was disrespecting them with my eye rolling, when I was really just in pain and wanting to sink into the floor. I was too scared and sad and hopeless to try and explain myself, and you were my only friend who cared enough to notice and speak up for me. Maybe that's why I try so hard to be and like to think I'm a loyal friend today. You taught me to persevere and improve--you always were better than me at everything. I need to not forget how to do that now, like it feels like I've been.

I'm sorry for all of it. Thank you for everything. Forgive me, please.

P