You may not feel strong... today.

Hello,

It's been a long time since my last piece of writing. Remember when I told myself I hated being stuck in a routine? Well... that's exactly what happened. I was studying and trying to get my college degree for once and all. Yeap! True story. Whatever.
What brings me back to this website is the need to tell a few things I wish I could express to the people I know. I'm sure we all want to express ourselves without having to justify our decisions, and that's what my new post is all about: you getting to know me better.

My family: My dad, my mom, and my brother.
It's has never been easy for us to live together as a family. My dad was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and a psycopathic personality 7 years ago when he tried to commit suicide in front of us; he failed and refused to take any medication/start a psychiatric treatment. Although we found a way to overcome this horrible experience, things got worse throughout the years. In 2017, he once again tried to commit suicide and threatened my mom with a gun. Since then, my mom forced him to move out, but she still wanted to be in a relationship with him. I've always wanted them to be away from each other.

You may be wondering... How come you don't want your parents to be together? Well, it's not that I don't want to. I just fucking hate the hell they've put me through since a was 3 years old. It fucking tore me apart. Knowing that suddenly I had to leave home because the situation would get violent, knowing that someone may get hurt, and knowing that I was completely ALONE just fucking destroyed me. My brother was never there for me. He would just leave the fuck out of my house for days, and when times got violent I just had to deal with all that shit all by myself in case my dad decides to hurt my mom.

My sexuality: I came out as gay when I was 18 years old. My dad told me that my mom was to blame. He cried and told me he'd rather I was a drug addict than gay. I felt a 100% supported by my friends and my mother, but not by my own dad. It was funny tho, because while I seemed to be "rebelious", "different", and "gay", my brother was 21 years old without a job and no plan to attend college. Somehow, I felt reality was harder on me than on him. What upsets me the most is the fact that I've always had to account for my choices and decisions in life. While my brother seldom is questioned, my parents disagreed on every decision I've made.

Two weeks ago, I opened up to them about my struggle with my weight and eating disorders. My family has always told me that I was fat, specially my brother. Nobody ever though I'd be affected by simple words... but it happened. When I turned 17, I lost 56 lbs. I decided it was time to put an end to all this hurt and burden in my body and soul. I changed my mindset, my habits and stopped caring about what people thought of me.
Somehow, they never thought that the way I look was important to me. They never understood. They just thought I looked fat and that's it, but there's more. I just felt ugly, I'd buy XL clothes because I didn't want anyone to see that I was overweight. Today, I look in the mirror and see myself as a beautiful human being, but still overweight. I get obsessed about what I'm eating and look in the mirror a thousand times a day to tell myself that I'm not fat, although I still feel like I am.

In 2018, I still hold resentment for all these experiences. Sometimes I can't even look at them to their faces, and believe me... it fucking hurts to feel this way about your own family. I still love them, and I believe that someday I'll be able to heal all these scars that won't let me tell them how much I really appreciate all the things they've done for me. However, it's really hard for me to see the bright side today.

I don't expect everyone to understand what I've been through, but this is pure honesty. I'll keep posting my thoughts and feelings about my life.

Thank you for reading and for your love,

-SM-