indifferent

JOSH DUN

bit his way through a candy apple, cringing slightly at the taste and swallowing harshley as it got caught in his throat. he never really enjoyed them but thought he may as well - it's better to not upset his mother then not on today.

he didn't know why it was so important - but his sister (she would have been twenty-six this year, joshie...) ashley had passed away seven years ago in a school shooting that killed fifty students. josh couldn't exactly care because he couldn't exactly remember. but don't tell his mother that. no, today was an extremely important day. halloween was always an important day in the dun household.

he had always hated candy apples.

josh sat, eyes closed and breath rushing haphazardly through his nose as he tried not to couch on the garbage lodged in his throat, in front of his sighing mother with a young girl in his lap.

her name was florentine.

" josh, do you think you could wake flo up? her aunt will be here for a minute to pick her up and we still need to give her the candy gift bag to take home. "

he nodded as he finally swallowed his candy and looked at his mother with bloodshot eyes, eyeing her knitting hands as he sat up straighter in the old wooden chair. she never did like children coming up the creme white porch and knocking on her frail black door. he coughed slightly as he picked up the redhead sleeping child and walked out of the room to the kitchen, grabbing her gumboots and raincoat as she walked past.

his mother didn't like the sound of wailing children, either.

when they reached the hall leading to the front door, josh leant down with the still sleeping four-year-old and placed her down on the wooden floorboards, standing her up straight as he voiced for her to wake up.

" florentine, wake up. your mom is coming. "

she mumbled sleepily as she slowly opened her eyes and whined, leaning her head against his shoulder as he tried to place her left foot in her pale green boots. she had woken up a tad bit more as he lifted her still limp limbs through the sleeves of her dark purple coat, patting her on the shoulder as he stood back up and jogged back into the kitchen to grab her goody bag.

filled with more candy apples.

when he made his way quickly back to florentine, a thought sam lazily through his mind.

' perhaps - perhaps not she fell backwards, still too tired from sleep, and smacked her skull on the low metal bannisters.

' is that blow enough to kill or only make you be filled with more guilt ? another death to be mourned for another hallowe'en- '

his hands were shaking slightly as he turned the corner and walked into the hallway, smiling slightly at the tawung child trying to button up the black buttons of her coat, fingers too numb with sleep and missing each time she halfheartedly tried.

by the time ms calamity was knocking harshly on the old wire front door, josh and florentine and managed to button up all but two buttons and get florentine bright-eyed and giggling nonsense lullaby nursery rhymes.

" thank you very much, josh! see you tomorrow! "

josh despised it as much as he despised the brown coloured candy apples, decaying and rotting in his stomach, staying in his system with nothing that could be good intentions.

he nodded with a low bye ms calamity and miss florentine! and made his slow, energy devoid walk back to the sitting room, where his mother herself, was residing and knitting seemingly colourless clothes.

"I know you wanted me to stay for dinner, but I think I should head back before it rains. my car hasn't been sounding too good all that lately... "

she nodded solemnly with a kiss on the cheek and golly, even a bag of his own. he walked out of the house and down the porch with a barely concealed grimace.

he unclocked his dark purple chevy and opened the door, throwing the goody bag in the back seat as he lowered himself to sit on the slightly worn black seats. he closed the door and put the key in the ignition and turning it slowly with glove-covered hands, turning the arc on as the engine came to life.

in the backseat, a small dark purple, skull covered paper bag fell on its side as numerous candy apples and sugary sweets fell and fell out and polled on the floor and leather.

he didn't lie when he said his car wasn't sounding too good of late.

he pulled out of the gravel driveway and onto the potholed and dark grey ashfelt road, still black and sleek with last nights rain.

he drove silently down the ever winding road, turning in the streets and humming loudly enough for the loneliness to be apparent. fat drops of rain slid down his windshield, hammering lightly against the glass and across the roof.

the rain was anything but calm and welcomed, eerily darkening josh's mood and causing his senses to sharpen. the rain had never calmed him, never like he hoped.

' perhaps - perhaps not the car loses control and the car swerves off the narrow road. death is certain, and if it isn't, well what a shame that would prove to be... '

the humming increases in volume as he lifts hi foot slightly of the pedal, knuckles pushing smugly against the gloves and time taking its time.

josh caused another ten minutes to be added to his journey, when reaching cold and dark (oh so very wet and small) home it semes pountless and laughably parhetic. he repeatedly went over the same words again and again like a cheaply worded mantra, thinking with shaky legs and wet soaked hair, wet soaked clothes that seemed to soak wet through his skin and into his brittle bones as he unlocked the heavy wooden door and opened it into a different sort of depth.

again and again - it was worth it, he didn't crash and he didn't die. he didn't cause his mother more heartache then fair.

the shower he granted himself was warm and long, legs corssed underneath him as he let the water fall and hammer into his red naked form, hair in eyes and eyes downcast.

' wouldn't want to slip and fall and break a bone, '

he finally got up while grasping at the white wet tiled wall, washing slowly and getting out with quickening breaths. he always felt worse when he was by himself, hadn't mother always said to face your fears and never hide under covers? or was that someone worse?

he dried himself with a black lifeless towel and dress in black lifeless pyjamas, avoiding the mirror and brushing his teeth, shaving barely there stubble and raking white bitten fingernails through brown limp hair.

water streaked down his race and water dripped from his hands.

the emoty walk to his bedroom was nothing less then what he had expected- neverwbdi v and perfect timing for horrible intentions. he crawled under the black covers, one damp darkness to another, one dead zone to another.

the silence was deafening, he decoded that beneath the covers where safer then the black nothingness and his fingers made a better sound than the demons existing everywhere.

he placed his fingers in hi ears and mumbled incoherently, eyes too stubborn to close as they stared at the thick material of his duvet. the heat enveloped him with a snarling smile and a biting welcome, lulling him into restless sleep that threw him back into the cold, unforgiving world at six am.

his dreams where that of the most regrettable, robbing him of self love and instead caused him to forget before his feet touched the dark wooden floor. he rubbed at his face as he walked out of his still undeveloped room and i to a dark red hallway, coming into focus as he numbly walked and tastelessly licked his teeth and bumped and stumbled into his now clear and hung up kitchen.

life was bland as he poured lukewarm water into a beaten kettle, setting it on the bench and setting the stoves hotplate alight with dying flames. a few minutes had passed and he had a cat mug in hi hands, filled with sugar and coffee as he snapped his mouth tiredly at the shrill cry of the steaming kettle.

that he went through just for a cup of black disgusting liquid in the morning.

' perhaps - perhaps not stupidity takes the best and hot water scolds, will the pain be enough or would there be needed more? '

he poured the now slightly cooler water into his cup and placed it back on the stove for perhaps later, walking to his almost dying sounding fridge and grabbing out a carton of almost full milk.

to say the least, as he sat down at a wooden table with a stained cloth, the cup of coffee was tasteless with a side dish of too much goddamn coffee. he rubbed his nose and held the cup to his mouth, putting it back down on second thought and biting his thumbnail instead.

he sat in silence and pyjama pant that were loose on the waist and a pyjama shirt that was loose around the shoulders. everything was loose around the shoulders. he sipped at the coffee, hot and scolding and to burning to be anything but tasteless, the pain nothing as he placed the cup back down with the morbid satisfaction of burning his tongue.

what did that even means.

he filled pages with thoughs as he sipped on the hot cup of disgusting nothingness, staring off into the distance and tapping his hand on the seat of his wooden chair. his thoughts ran wid and ran ramped through his mind, too fast and unfinished to make sense of his eyes glazed over and the cup went cold.

he sipped on it anyway- thinking in bold and snickering in italics, he couldn't decide on what to do with himself as the coo coo clock struck nine, getting up and walking to the sink. he rinsed the mug out in the big plastic bucket and let it drip on the side rack, walking out and down the dark purple hallway and back into his bland, dresser and bed occupied bedroom.

he got dressed in boots, jeans and black sweater. he placed a woollen beanie over his bed messy, straw knotted hair and grabbed his keys. he walked to the front door, making sure to grab his grey petticoat and thrusting hs arms into the sleeves.

the rain had dispersed, but clouds still hung heavy and damp in the sky, seeming low enough to touch.

the car ride to his mothers home was long and treacherous, bring up perhaps - perhaps not's in its wake and josh wondering how he was going tod deal with his mother.

she never delt well the day after.

the car lurched forward, nothing short of goving josh a shortlived hertattchw as he pulled into reverse and parked his car in the old gravel driveway. he climbed out and locked the car, turning around to check all the wondows when hi eyes caught something.

the dark purple ribbons tied tightly around the off-white candy apple stick, seeming to taunt him slightly.

he turned around and quickly walked up the stone stairs and onto the wooden porch. he looked out as he knocked ok the wire door, eyes fluttering of the edges that seemed to loom and haunt everywhere josh went.

whether it e the supermarket or his mother's porch.

his mother answered, smiling as she opened the door and dragged josh's tall form into a breath-stealing hug. he tied his boots and left them at the door, draping his coat on the wooden hanger and following his quickly talking mother into the fire illuminated sitting room.

" oh joshie, it was horrid! it rained and stormed straight through the niggt! neither I or the other ladies could get a wink of sleep! "

he nodded as he sat down across from her, watching her with anxious eyes as she picked up her needles and started to poke furiously at what appeared to be a woolen dolls dress, wrapping thick strings of dark purple thread around red and cracked fingertips, weaving patterns around metal and digging through little gaps.

she was always reduced to a more loving, almost childlike women after hallowe'en.

it always stormed horribly, straight through the night on hallowe'en.

ms calamity came two hours later, dropping off florentines sleeping form to rest in josh's lap. she was dressed in a back dress with white stockings, fiery red hair pulled into a braid down her back.

" oh honey, it looks as if you hadn't any breakfast! here, have a candy apple. filling. "

josh smiled painfully, picking up a plastic wrapped candy apple, off-white stick at the base with a dark purple ribbon tied securely around it.

she always seemed to have so many have hallowe'en.

' perhaps - perhaps not yesterday will repeat its self, choking will come as easy as breathing in the chill of the air. '

they talked and drank lukewarm water, josh not eating the apple in fear of choking and waking florentine. they talked and talked, end on end until the embers of the fire had lost their spark and die down to nothin indifferent or spectacular, josh nodding at his mothers words as she knotted a new dolls dress of a different colour.

the knitted dark purple and wrapped thick thread around numb and almost bloodied fingers, wide eyes as she looked down and rambled about all these pointless things that josh took in without thinking about, eyes set har on the gleam coming off the plastic and ribbon of the candy apple, red hue reflecting upon the polished surface of the table and taunting josh almost.

the time came for josh to wake florentine up and wrap her dark purple coat around her shoulders, running to the kitchen as he leaves her in that hallway with the low metal bannister to get the remaining candy his mother had put together as a second goody bag.

what a lucky girl.

he drove home in silence and taut fingers, humming and ignoring the sounds his mind made and the sounds his care made.

it was all so loud and disastrous.

josh locked his car and walked quickly to his house, ignoring the dark woods looming from behind his house and the still spread out candy on the backseat of his car, almost running to the bathroom the strip and shower.

' perhaps - perhaps not death awaits, either way, escaping is impossible whether it be nature or a monster licking its blood dripping claws from behind the house and hidden in the tall trees cast a shadow. '