dear me

Dear Me,

I truly don't believe that I'm going to change much this year. One of my only friends (does she count me as a friend?) is going to boarding school next year. Her aunt is sending her there because she's suicidal and does a lot of drinking + drugs. I don't understand how boarding school would help but that's none of my business. She was one of my only friends I've made this year, and I doubt I'll ever speak to her again after she goes to boarding school. I suppose it's alright. Everyone tells me that making new friends is easy (not with social anxiety it isn't.) Anyway, I suppose we shouldn't take a dark turn. Let's try to be less depressing, yeah? I still do have a few things I'd like to accomplish. Firstly, I would like to dye my hair light purple and get a nose piercing before this year ends. I want to try and fix up my physical appearance because I've never really liked how I look. Perhaps turning into someone new will make me feel better about myself (can I turn into someone else, though?)

Secondly, I'd love to raise my grades and try harder in school (even if I'm trying hard enough.) My grades are pretty terrible, and it'd be nice to get straight A's and B's. Doubtful that it could happen, but nonetheless, I am going to try. Speaking of school, I am hoping to learn French. It's a beautiful language and I just really, really wanna start wearing a beret to French class (if I ever sign up.) Thirdly, it'd be nice to go to a party and maybe forget my worries for a bit. I 100% doubt that will happen, though. Parties are frightening, and I doubt I'd be able to talk to anyone without hiding in the bathroom and crying. To be real, I would really only go for the weed (haha, edgy teenager much?) The last thing I'd like to do is to try and make a real, genuine friend. I've had terrible friendships in the past, as well as trust issues. But all I want is a friendship, maybe even a friend group. Just us, against the world. But, like everything else, that's quite doubtful.

Anyway, that's pretty much it. Boring, yeah. And pretty short, yeah. But it's what I want, and hopefully 2018 won't be too bad. So, to whoever is reading this (probably just me), I hope to become a better person. Someone lovable and beautiful, but not perfect. Not at all. Being perfect would probably suck.


Hate ya,
Ava