The Sissy Whisperer

The Sissy Whisperer
Scooter Van Neuter

After writing my story yesterday about successfully using Cesar Millan's training techniques on my cat, I started wondering why they wouldn't possibly work on people, too. With the exception of some physical and mental characteristics, cats are nearly identical to people, so I figured I would do some research in this area.

I chose my girlfriend Sissy for my test subject, as she has some irritating habits I'd like to break, such as making sounds when she's eating and tailgating other drivers.

I reasoned that since Sissy is larger than a cat or dog, my TSHTTT sounds should be augmented using something tailored to humans, so I came up with the brilliant concept of throwing rubber spiders while making the sound. Naturally, the two-finger side poke would also be implemented in extreme cases after deploying the aforementioned training aids.

This afternoon I got an opportunity to try what I'm calling my Human Pet Behavior Modification (HumanpetBM for short) technique when Sissy started tailgating a Buick full of grayhairs while we were coming back from her mom's house. I threw the rubber spiders in her face while making the loudest TSHTTTT sound ever, then jammed two fingers into the side of her boob.

The results of this study were either good or bad, depending on who you ask. I contend they validated my hypothesis, as Sissy will definitely think twice before riding someone's bumper again, while she claims the only thing modified was the front of our Kia, the back of the Buick, and maybe two or three of the Shleckmann's neck vertebrae. Despite her claims to the contrary, Sissy's boob is fine.

Next: Eating sounds.