Return To Sender

"Hey there, li'l stinker! After a long year of smellin' your dirty diapers, I'm finally gonna get to send ya back to where ya came from!"

"Ba, ba, bum."

"You want me to tell you again? Fine, but first let me get you outta this cage they call a bed. I'd let you walk to the living room with me but we all know how well that would go!"

"Gor."

"Yeah, you keep saying you'll learn but ya haven't taken a single step yet."

"Bwfffff!"

"Stop innerupin', Stinky. I told ya I'd tell the story again and I will. See, last Christmas mom and dad ordered you from Santa. I asked for a puppy but did Santa listen to me? No. He brought you instead. Now the only way to send ya back is to trick Santa into takin' ya."

"La...la...brum."

"Of course he'll tell dad and mom if he sees us. So we hasta be quiet. Can you do that fer once in yer life?"

"Doodee?"

"You don't 'member what it was like with Santa? It was tons of fun. He has snow all the time and bunches of elves to play with and ya got to ride with the flyin' deer every night!"

"Thttttt?"

"The plan? I'll use this Wonder Woman rope to make a snare on the floor fer Santa to walk into. Once he's distracted, I'll slip ya into his bag of toys..."

"Ru...Rahrah!"

"I'm not stupid. Of course I'm planning on coverin' the rope. With wrappin' paper. And we'll put the plate of cookies we made with dad in the middle so Santa hasta walk over the wrappin' paper to get to 'em! Now if you'll just stop crawlin' all over the paper..."

"Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma!"

"Whadd'ya mean mom's coming? She's suppose'ta be asleep! Quick, take my hand and we'll hide behind this big present."

"Bleem. Bleem!"

"Shh! She'll hear you!"

"Fffft!"

"You're right, she only came down for a...a cup of milk? Hey, Stinky! Mom's eating Santa's cookies!"

"Da-da-da..."

"And there's dad! He's eatin'em, too! Wow, Stinky, you're a pretty good look out..."

"Bwuh."

"Wait a minute...you know where dad and mom hide the birthday presents? You know, maybe we should put off sendin' ya back with Santa. I mean, we could have lots of fun together. And if ya don't like it here, we could always send ya back to the North Pole next year. Whadd'ya think?"

"Aarrgah, pfffft!"

"You said it, Stinky! Let's get back to bed before they notice us. Boy, you're gettin' heavy. Ya think ya could learn to walk soon? And maybe ditch the diaper...?"