Dear Friend

Dear Friend,
I still see you around, laughing with friends or biking to class
The bike you took me for a ride on, on our very first date
On our way to the store you held the door for us to enter,
Entering not only the store but a doorway to my trust

Picking my brain, you became safe for me, letting me share my deepest insecurities
Addressing the plights of women, this man before me was hard to believe—But I did.

You had the terminology
The patience of a close friend and that damn head tilt of curiosity,
Yearning to show me sympathy.

Caught up in this cis hetero white man that seemed to get it, get me and not only listening, but seeking to understand saw me.
So, yes. I let you in. In my thoughts, my plans, my dreams, inside me—
You’re a feminist.
You let me set my limits of how close and intimate we would be together.

You were charming, understanding and a touch mysterious.
But now, the only mystery to me is how I didn’t see it,
You’re a fuckboi.

Creating a net of safety your entrapped me in your web of deception
“We’re just friends”
Oh, ok cool. You have a lot going on right now and like we agreed this time is for me to explore carefree, unattached.
Good then, let’s just be friends

Friends make friends through friends, so you had me over one night, right?
It’s what friends do, they come through for you when you need to take a load off.
Tired from work but I came over, a drink in my hand and you show me your others friends.
And it’s a nice, intimate party. Again here I am safe with friends that get it.

But then they start to leave, one by one down to three, him you and me.
You share laughs before he walks out the door and I am sure I should’ve asked him to walk me home.
Now we’re alone.

As any friend would, you say I can stay the night.
Great, this couch is cozy I am almost ready to doze.
From the doorway you say I can stay in the bedroom, there’s enough room and I’ve slept there before.
…Okay, I’m unsure. Now we’re just friends, nothing more.
“Come on, no pressure, just us laying together”

Walking to the bedroom I am ready to see the backs of my eyelids,
But instead, I see your lips.
You kissed me.
That didn’t feel like no pressure, your lips pressed against mine.

“Well, I’m horny”
Okay, but uh, I am not. I am tipsy and who doesn’t like a decent kiss? So sure, let’s make out. It’s harmless.
Until you take off my clothes—whoa, I only want to kiss.
“Let’s kiss like this”

The thoughts in my mind swirl around like your tongue in my mouth,
Trying to distinguish between what I want and what I need,
For you to get off of me or.. keep going?
Moving further you intrude inside me, but I like that usually, right?

Don’t come inside me
“But you have an IUD”
Don’t
“Then I rather not even finish”
That’s your choice. My only command—my only plea—don’t you fucking dare come inside me

And you didn’t.
Didn’t finish inside, but you had your fun.
I picked up my clothes, my body saying run

But I used you.
“You’re gonna sleep with me and just take off?”
Well.. that didn’t really feel like no pressur—scoff!
“You can leave now”
And that’s what I did with my head bowed.

But I am the slut here,
though the touch of your hands burns my skin to this day,
You’re a fuckboi and I got caught up in your feminist play.

Months in denial, feeling like I was on trial, talking to friends uncomfortably saying,
Yeah, but it wasn’t dot dot dot
Ellipses in the place of the word I couldn’t imagine.
Not to me. Not by a friend. It was no pressure, right?

But it wasn’t. You raped me, stained me, tarnished all men and still you pretended we were friends.

Dear Feminist Fuckboi,

Fuck you.

Just for me will never come, not for me to see or feel in order to heal.
Your touch, seared into my skin, started as a fresh pink scar,
Now fading to white, pain diminishing but the dip in my skin forever felt.
Because of you I created a well, walls weren’t good enough to keep danger out,
A well of emotions so deep it’s painstaking to bring them to the surface, only one way out.

Where there were once butterflies,
Dead moths blanket my stomach.
I wince when I see another white man who only vaguely looks like you.
But there’s nothing more I can do.

So from the friend you raped,
PS Fuck you.