Stargazing

    Tony never really understood why she loved stargazing so much. It always struck him as a bit odd that she could sit on the porch with the lights off, quietly sipping her sweet tea, sometimes with Kenny Chesney playing softly in the background, just thinking. About what, he didn’t know. Maybe her day. Maybe about her garden. Maybe about her friends in the city. Maybe about her cousins that lived in the next state over. Maybe she thought about her past, about her childhood and her father. Sometimes, when he left her and she was smiling, he even entertained the idea of her thinking about him.

    Tonight was different, though. Earlier that day, she had come up to him and asked him to drive her to the top of the river bluffs two hours away. Seeing no reason not to, he complied. Abigail had brought a blanket and her sweet tea, and once they arrived she just spread the blanket on the grass and sat down, patting the empty spot next to her, inviting him to sit. Once he did, she handed him a glass of sweet tea, and there they sat in silence. He tried to speak, but she only brought a finger to his lips, and once he met her eyes, he fell silent. She finished her tea and, setting her glass aside, leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder. He wrapped an arm around her waist, inviting her closer. They remained like that, safe in each other’s presence. It was then that he raised his head to the sky.

    And it was then that he understood. For above him was no scorching sun or black sky. Rather, it was as if the heavens had opened up in full, and a million little lights twinkled and shone as they slowly came to rest, suspended in the inky darkness, close enough to see, yet just out of reach. He released the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, and looked to his wife.

    Although the soft glow of the night’s glory caressed her face, making her look more angelic than ever, Tony could see the star’s reflections in her watery eyes. It was as if all the tears she had never shed would come pouring out if she so much as tipped her delicate face forward. He reached a hand to her cheek, wiping her eyes clear with his thumb. Seemingly shocked by its presence on her face, her hands flew to his wrist and gripped it tightly, her eyes a flurry of pleading emotions. It was then that she spoke.

    “Momma used to take me up here before she died.” Tony felt his heart break at her words.

    “You don’t have to tell me babe, if you don’t want to.”

    She shook her head firmly.

    “No, I think you need to know. Yes … you need to know.” There was a sniffle followed by a brief pause before she continued. “She once told me ‘Look at the stars, baby girl.’ I looked and she whispered in my ear, ‘You’re just like those stars, shining bright and making people smile.’ She used to tell me that I was her little star, and that she would always be right here, watching me, just like all those stars up there. But I’m no star, Tony. I’ve fallen from the sky, you know? My momma was wrong.”

    Tony pulled her closer, trying to do something, anything, to relieve her of her burden.

    “I still can’t believe it,” she said. “That we lost her.”

    Tony could feel his stomach drop. “That why you feel like you’ve fallen?”

    She could only manage a nod in the silence.

    “Abby, you know I don’t–”

    “What if Daddy’s right, Tony? What if I shouldn’t have a baby? What if she was meant to …” She couldn’t finish the sentence before taking a deep, shaky breath.

    “That’s a lie and you know it.” Tony had to try to reign in his anger. He refused to raise his voice at her, not now. “I know it’s hard. But we’ll get through it, just like we always have.”

    Abby looked back to the stars. “I just want to shine, Tony. Shine like every other girl. Shine like my momma used to, before Daddy got to her.”

    “And?”

    Abigail lowered her eyes to her clasped hands. “And … I want my own baby girl to shine. Like I never could.”

    Tony was silent for a moment before speaking.

    “You know baby,” he whispered into her hair, “Your momma was right. You are a shining star, and I know that I’m so blessed to have you.” He felt her begin to tremble in his embrace, and he ran a soothing hand through her hair. “You know, there are over 400 billion stars up there. I had so many choices. So, so, so many choices. I could have chosen any one of those stars but you know what? There was this little fallen star that I saw, and I said to myself, ‘I’m going to do everything in my power to put her back in the sky.’ So I chose her. And I love her so, so much.”

    Abigail couldn’t hold it any longer, and her sobs made Tony’s chest vibrate. The couple just sat there, her sobbing and he taking it all, trying desperately to ease her pain.

    “Let it out, Abby, let it out.”

    Tony could feel her hands grab onto his shirt, traced by her flowing tears. He raised his eyes to the starry sky in a desperate prayer, as Adam reached to receive new life. God, he thought, if you’re out there, now’s the time to do something. You know she can’t go on like this. There they sat, mourning and weeping in a valley atop a hill, two hearts beating in the darkness of life.

    After a while Abigail calmed down, and he put a hand under her chin, raising her head up to face him. He could see the smallest sliver of hope in her eyes as she spoke.

    “We’ll get through it, right? Just like we always do?”

    Tony nodded. “Just like we always do.”