A Fair Trade - Ch 9

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to the Beetlejuice franchise nor do I make any money from this. I simply enjoy using the characters for my own twisted amusement.

-There will be a reference to Ozzie and Harriet Nelson. A cookie cutter family show from the mid 1950s. I'm sure you can guess who BG is referring that to.-



Betelgeuse waited until his exhausted wife's breathing slowed and indicated that she had fallen into the depths of slumber. Carefully, the poltergeist removed himself from the bed and turned back to pull the covers up and over his tired wife and child. His fingers brushed his woman's jaw line and bent down to give her soft lips a light kiss, then he moved to his tired Bug. He lightly brushed her light strands away from her face, then gently gave her forehead a kiss, as he pulled back and blinked out of sight.

The poltergeist suddenly reappeared right outside of the doorway of the sitting room and juiced himself a cigarette. If he was going to deal with these fuckers alone and rationally, he was going to need it. Hell, he was probably gonna need a beer after all this shit. Fuck, he should juice himself one now, though he was sure they'd bitch about it. Not that he gave a flying fuck what those bastards thought, but he didn't want them giving his little wife any grief. His wifey poo was already stressed about things that could possibly go wrong in the pregnancy. Nothing was going to happen not with his juice coursing through both her and his offspring, but she was nervous, nonetheless. He was damned if they were going to add to it.

Bringing the cig to his lips, he sucked in a deep drag of smoke, then released it. These assholes were more of a pain than they should be. You'd think that they'd be happy for his little woman. For fucks sake, she was happily married and expecting their next grandchild. They should be grateful that she was still breathing and not 6 feet under. Though now that he thought about it, he wasn't too thrilled that they left her unprotected against some abusive cunt. What the fuck were they thinking?! If someone did that to Bug, he would slaughter them. A sneer appeared on his features, as he glared at the room and began to walk into it. 'Let's get this shit over with.'

The poltergeist spied the two couples sitting across from one another, clearly discussing what his little wife and he had just spoken to them about. He also noticed that the old bat had disappeared. Probably had to go back to the Netherworld and deal with all those boring and whining stiffs. That's what fucking happens when you're on a short leash, you got to come when they yank.

Betelgeuse juiced himself a chair and turned it around, then straddled it with an arm bent on top of the back. His throat cleared, and he watched as the twosome ceased their conversation and turned to look in his direction. Both couples went from being comfortable to being nervous in a split second and the poltergeist couldn't help the smirk that played at his lips. 'Fuck yeah. Maybe this shits gonna be fun after all.' He thought to himself and the smirk on his face widened.

The amused man took another puff of his cigarette and leaned over the back of the chair. He released the smoke in their direction, before he started to speak. "Let's not drag this shit out. You all don't like me and to tell ya the truth, I don't like you all very much either." The cig went to his lips again and he pulled a long drag then continued "Unfortunately, Lydia does, and I don't want to upset my little pregnant wife. No need to be in the fuckin' dog house, cuz of you folks. So, I propose we make a deal. I'll be civil towards you all, if you're all willing to be civil towards me."

The poltergeist's green eyes traveled to the shocked faces, then went back to his father-in-law, when Chuck cleared his throat and for once, bravely voiced his opinion. The portly man shook like a leaf and stuttered his words. "I…I…I'm still not sure about you, but m…m…my pumpkin is, s…s…so….as long as you swear to treat m…m…my little girl and granddaughter right, t…t…then I'll agree."

Betelgeuse's features sobered and his tone held a serious edge, as he eyed his father-in-law. "I swear to it, Chuck. I will always take care of my girls."

"Now just wait…" His mother-in-law began to comment, but was quickly stopped by her husband. "Honey, she is clearly happy. If Lydia didn't want to be married to this man, you and I know that she wouldn't be."

"But Charles…" The stout man shook his head and gave his wife a stern look and a sharp tone. "No buts Dee. Let's leave it as it is." She let out a sigh and for the first time bent to her husband's wishes.

'Well hell, who would have thought that good ole Chuck had a pair?' Betelgeuse silently mused to himself, as his piercing eyes left his in-laws and traveled to the goody goodies, who were quietly talking amongst themselves. Babs looked over at him with hard eyes and her lips pinched together in disapproval. "I don't trust you."

Ooh, she didn't trust him. Boo fuckin' hoo. It wasn't like that was something new to him. He knew the stuck-up bitch distrusted him. She never had and most likely never will. Betelgeuse gave the dead woman a glare of his own, while he sneered at her. "Well that makes the two of us, cuz I sure as hell don't fuckin' trust you Babs. Seen any sandworms lately?"

She sent a cheeky grin his way, as she smoothed out her dress in her lap. "Want to find out?"

"As long as you know that you'll have to deal with my wifey, Babs and ya'll seen what she did to Junie. Well shit, that's just the tip of the iceberg." He smirked widely and took another drag of his cigarette. The haughty smutbag hadn't thought of that one when she was running her overly large mouth. If the bitch brought in sandworms, he was bringing her with him this time and only one of them would be coming back.

Babs's superior grin faltered slightly and looked as if she was weighting his words, before opening her trap once again. "I still don't like you."

Fuck. Didn't they get it? Did drowning damage their brains? Seriously, how conceited, and selfish could this dead woman get? "This isn't about you or me, Babs. You don't have to fuckin' like me, but you see, Lydia does and if either of you gave a lick about her, you'd be willing to shut your goddamn mouths and suck it the hell up like I'm willin' to do."

The poltergeist gaze flickered to Harriet's husband and watched as his words began to soak in. Good old Ozzie shoved his glasses back up the bridge, before he drew in his wife to discuss whatever the hell he was hashing out with her.

Betelgeuse fought the urge to gag at the wholesomeness that this couple tried to portray. It wasn't fuckin' normal to be so pure and wholesome all the motherfuckin' time. Did Ozzie and Harriet ever get into a good row? Shit, everyone has some type of imperfections and that doesn't go away even when your dead.

When the Nelson's finally pulled away from each other, the dead woman gave the poltergeist a reluctant glance, as she sighed loudly and surrendered. "Fine, for Lydia we will. I still don't trust you, though."

Has she not got the new flash by now? He could care less about how she fucking feels. He's not a motherfuckin' guidance counselor. "I don't fuckin' care if you do. Only opinion I care about is my wife upstairs." He snarled at the dead woman and stood up. He needed to get the hell out of there, before he throttled the stuck-up bitch. If he did that, his beautiful wife would lock up her snatch tighter than a fucking mouse trap. "Well folks, this has been fun and now that we have things squared away." A flick of his hand made the chair disappear, as he adjusted his cuffs, then grinned widely at the group. "I'm gonna get out of here, before I land in the fuckin' dog house. See ya later folks." His hand waved to his in-laws, then aimed the bird at the displeased dead woman, before he blinked out of sight.

Upstairs, the poltergeist blinked into view and began to troll the family homestead, as he scanned for a good window to chill and smoke a cig in.

Frustration rolled off him and he growled loudly to himself. 'Where the fuck was all the goddamn windows? This must have been that fat fucks idea and one that Red should have ignored.' He really was beginning to doubt his in-law's decision-making skills. Shit decorating talent. Shittier safety and parenting abilities. His pretty wife must have gotten everything from her maternal side, because she clearly didn't get it from these assholes.

The poltergeist came to a blank wall and snapped his fingers to create a large and open window, so he could kill the time as he waited for his little family to wake up. Betelgeuse sat down inside of the sill and bent one leg so that it rested with him while the other skimmed the wooden floor. Another cigarette appeared in his fingers and he took a long draw from it, then juiced a cold long neck. He drank deep from the bottle and moved his vision to the vast and colorful land.

The dead man sat there for a few minutes just watching the leaves fall from the trees and the birds flock together to fly south, occasionally taking a draw of either his beer or cigarette. His green eyes never left the scene, as his smoky voice piped up. "You just gonna stand there all day, Junie, or are you gonna come out and tell me what's on your mind? You know in this day and age, what your doin' would be considered stalkin'. Do I need to file a report?"

The old woman stepped out of the shadows with a lit cigarette of her own and rolled her eyes. "Don't flatter yourself, Geuse. I'm not doing this for kicks." She sucked in some smoke, as she continued on "So what's the angle here?"

The poltergeist snorted, while a bark of amused laughter spouted out of him. "For once, I don't fuckin' have one. Believe it or not, I like bein' a married man. Who the hell would have thought that?"

Betelgeuse wasn't lying. The specter really did enjoy being wedded to his little woman and couldn't help but relish in the benefits that came with it. Not that that was the only reason he was with her, no that was just an added bonus. Lydia was like no other breather he had ever met and unlike everyone else, who were always nervous about what he might do to them, his wife was not. No, the gorgeous woman didn't even blink an eye at him or his antics. Hell, most of the time, she would just laugh and shake her raven head at him in amusement.

The dead man swiped a drink of his beer as smiled at his thoughts. It wasn't just being a husband that he adored, but also that fact that was now a father. Fuck, he never thought he'd ever get the chance to be one. Bug, well his little daughter was something special. He may not have conceived her in the conventional way, but Lucy was his, nonetheless. She would forever be his first born, even with the new one in the oven.

Juno's raspy voice echoed in the hallway and rudely cut into his thoughts. "Cut the crap, Geuse! You always have an angle."

His green eyes rolled at her persistence, but kept his gaze on the scenery and continued to puff on his cigarette. "Not this time, Junie." Didn't any of these fuckers realize that this time it was different? Were their heads so far up their asses that they couldn't conceive that his priorities might have changed. Christ, he was surrounded by a bunch of ignorant stupid cunts, who think they know what the fuck they're talkin' about.

Juno scoffed lightly then voiced her opinion, while she eyed him carefully and moved her free hand to her hip. "Why is it different this time around?"

His mind drifted to his pregnant wife and kid once again and it caused his lips to twitch upwards as he sucked in some more smoke. "I found something I want more than my own fuckin' freedom."

A thin brow rose, and her light eyes flashed with skepticism, while she blew out another puff of smoke. Her tone sounded unconvinced when she spoke next. "You want those breathers more than your freedom?"

Of course, the old girl didn't believe him. Junie had never been his biggest fan and doubted everything that made him the ghost with the most. Betelgeuse drew another pull from his long neck and nodded his blonde head as he grinned wildly out the window. "Hell, yeah I do and they ain't just breathers; they're my family and they calm the fuckin' beast." The poltergeist didn't think the old bat was grasping what was coming out of his mouth. His family calmed the raging storm of insanity that beat at him ever since he'd fucking woken up. A sense of peace had finally settled over his undead life; one that he'd thought would never cross his darkened path.

Betelgeuse could feel her steely gaze on his person and knew she was trying to gauge the truthfulness of the situation. Not that he could blame the old girl. He did lie to her quite a bit in the past. Hell, he lied to her a lot.

"Hm. For once in your afterlife, I think you're actually telling the truth." The old woman snorted, then sobered when she spoke next. "Geuse, the higher ups are not happy that you are free."

The poltergeist finally turned her way, his green eyes cold and his tone serious. "I don't fuck around when it comes to my family, Junie." He lifted his cig to his mouth, sucking in a large amount, then blowing it in her direction. "I know that I haven't taken anything serious since I woke up, but I do now. My wife and kid are the only reason I haven't let loose and caused all that mayhem that you're fuckin' worried about. All you dickwads are safe from my motherfuckin' wraith."

"I'm sure they will be comforted by that, Geuse." Sarcasm was thick on her tongue as she rolled her light eyes, then sucked in some more smoke. "Though when they hear that you knocked up your breather, they will most likely have another fit. You have not just one child with your juice running through them, but now a second. You and I both know that they'll look for any reason to lock you up again and those kids of yours too."

It was one thing to mess with him; it was another to fuck with his kids. They better hope that they don't do anything reckless, because if they do. He can't promise that there will be a Netherworld for the dead to go to. The glow from his green eyes intensified and his icy tone was colder than before. "If they fuck with my kids, there will be no amount of locking me up that will stop me. I will tear the piece of shit Netherworld apart and that's a fuckin' promise Junie. Like I said, all you assmonkeys are safe, unless you fuck with my family then I ain't holdin' the fuck back."

His piercing gaze dug into the light ones of Junos' and she began to twitch, a sure sign that the old woman was getting nervous. She puffed on her cigarette, before carefully choosing her next words. "Now don't be hasty, Geuse."

"I ain't bein' hasty. I'm tellin' the truth. The higher ups fuck with my kids, and they'll see what I really can do. So, how about ya go and tell all those cockburgers that, okay?"

Juno let out a sigh and reluctantly nodded, "Fine, I'll relay the message, though you may want to have your wife checked out by someone from the Netherworld. It would make the higher ups less jumpy about exposer and the need to do something about it."

He scoffed and rolled his eyes. "I don't fuckin' care what those jagoffs are worried about, but I'll think about what you said. I will have to talk to the little woman before makin' a decision like that. I don't want to end up in the dog house, cuz I enjoy getting' some from my tiny wife."

"I do not want to hear about your sex life, Geuse. Keep that crap to yourself." The old woman said dryly as she continued to smoke. "You know, you were supposed to stay away from the Deetz girl?"

"Yeah well, that shit ended the night that she called me all fuckin' bloodied and holed up in a bathroom." At the mere thought of that night his fist clenched around the bottle and ground out his words. "If I had known what I do now, I would have done things a little differently with the asscock." Yes, he would have taken his time and showed the little prick exactly what it was like to be in a fucking horror movie. The little cunt deserved to be tortured until he cried for deaths sweet release.

Juno eyed the poltergeist critically as she asked the question she had been wanting to know. "What did you do with the breather?

The sitting specter sent her a chilling smile and his eyes gleamed with pleasure. "I beat the shit out of him till the little thundercunt took his last fuckin' breath." It had been one helluva beating; one that Betelgeuse would have thoroughly delighted in if his temper hadn't gotten the best of him. All the poltergeist could remember was how frighten and bloodied she had been, them making their deal, then it was all a red blur after that. Just thinking about it got his blood boiling once again.

The old dead woman looked nervous again, but didn't stop her inquiry. "Where is he then?"

His smile widened, while he took a long hit from his cig and blew rings in her direction. "I made sure his ass got sent to Titan. I'm sure he loved the sandworms, I know they sure loved him." He laughed with a shrug of his shoulders and nursed the last of his beer. "I thought you'd appreciate no paperwork."

Juno's steel eyes sharpened and shook her head as she pointed a thin finger at the ghost. "That wasn't your call to make."

Betelgeuse's brows rose, while his fist tightened around the bottle once again and bit back a snarl. "Fuck if it wasn't. That son of a bitched touched what didn't belong to him."

The old woman's own brows went up as she pointed something out to him. "She didn't belong to you either."

He snorted loudly and sent the old woman another grin. "Sorry to break it to ya, Junie, but she had been mine, since the day I'd seen her all dressed in black and morose as a little goth maiden could get. I just hadn't realized it at the time." No, he had been slow to the game on that one. The fucking woman scrambled his senses and threw him off kilter without him even realizing it.

"I thought that was just a ploy to get your freedom?" Juno smoked her cigarette and asked with large amount of curiosity.

The specter's eyes began to glow brightly, and a silly expression graced his features as he spoke to the dead woman. "Oh, it had been, though it wasn't until I was waiting in that goddamn waiting room that I realized I couldn't get the little minx out of my fuckin' mind. It's amazin' what a couple years can do when your thoughts are centered on one thing. You begin to see things helluva lot differently."

Juno was once again eyeing the poltergeist, as she contemplated his words. "It seems some things have changed…"

Betelgeuse's mouth opened to retort, but stopped when his attention was drawn from Juno to the other side of the hall. The sound of his daughter's crying and wife's voice bounced off the walls as they called out to him. He turned back to Juno and tossed his cigarette out the window, then juice his beer bottle gone. "It seems my little wife and kid are awake, so I gotta cut this conversation short. It was fun Junie, we should talk more often." He didn't even wait for a reply as the poltergeist quickly turned his attention back to the point in the hallway and waited for his family.

Last Chapter "A Fair Trade - Ch 8"  BGLD Next Chapter "A Fair Trade - Ch 10"