Journal

Me
(A Prelude)
10/28/01
I’m so confused. I have no clue what is going on. Who am I? This topic has been
worrying me and keeping me up for a few evenings. I have no clue who I am or why I’m
on this oversized rock. When pondering this I discovered several personalities. I question
which one is the true me. I look forward to finding this out but I have great fear of what
the results may be and what it may bring.
The first one is a dark and frightening personality. This is the bad version of me
which I don’t care to touch. This side is the one I normally present to my friends and
enemies. This side is full of hatred and depression. Aggression keeps it alive. This side
is the one that is out the most when I’m in public. Atheism is one of this sides most
common disputes with many people.
This side listens to hard rock. It’s favorite band is Marilyn Manson. It believes
that Holy Wood is one of the best things ever made. From track one, “Godeatgod,” to the
very disturbing track nineteen, “Count To Six and Die (the vaccuum of infinite space
encompassing),” it is a masterpiece.
This side uses music as and outlet of stress and depression. This part plays fierce
guitar and makes loud noises as the lead vocalist and rhythm guitarist of the industrial
shock-rock band, Spawn. My best friends and I play together to try and voice our
opinions about current events that concern our countries bad form of government or death
and depression.
My next side is one scene by my parents and girls I intend on asking out but never
do out of being callow. This is the nice good child and great boyfriend that no one ever
had side. This side makes me wonder about my future and if I will ever father a child.
This is kinda of the shadow of my first side. A few details cross over such as my music
selection. I try to not talk about my music selections with potential girl friends. I truly
don’t wish them to be traumatized by the idea that they nearly went out with some one
with a CD titled Mate, Feed, Kill, Repeat (Slipknot, to the unaware).
This side is a lot less aggressive and would never think of committing to violent
acts. But when some thing bad happens to this side the bad side takes the aggression
away.
This side causes the good grades and good things that happen to me. Nothing bad
was ever caused by this side. A lot of my creative ideas come from this side. Most of the
songs writing comes from here. The band normally rejects this music because it’s to soft
and not like me. It actually is like me only they don’t know this because they never see
this side of me. This is why we are still a cover band.
Speaking of the band we mainly do covers because none of us are creative enough
to write a song that we feel fully expresses us. And when we do every one thinks it’s
crap. With covers from bands like Deftones, Marilyn Manson, Papa Roach, and Disturbed
it is no wonder that we are at our school the band, that we know of, with the most rejects
to play at clubs. This will lower one’s self esteem, but, like depression, this is the other
sides department.
The third and final side is the darkest side. It’s the one that scares the shit out of
me. The scary part is only one person knows of this side. Me. It’s hard to describe
because it’s basically nothing. It’s the part wondering what I’m doing, why I’m here, and
what the hell is going on. This is the side that cause all my confusion. It keeps me restless
and tormented in my own personal hell.
This side holds plenty of mystery because it shadows the two others but has next
to nothing to do with them. Parts of each other side of me join here to create a blackness
that plagues me. They create my disrupted mind. I hope to be able to explain it better
someday to someone but I fear that this will never happen.
Call me a schizophrenic if you wish but I’m not. I’m more of the deep thinking
disturbed type. It doesn’t matter though. I’m counting. I’m counting slowly but the fact
is I’m still counting...

Zero
It was a class of thirty students. It was the beginning of the first quarter at Coon
Rapids High School. Mr. Copple gave the seating chart to his class.
“Hello. My name is Mr. Copple. This is English 11, technical writing,” said the
teacher. Some murmuring had already started between a couple of students. It was
between Andrea Carnes and Mindy Lenerdson. Mindy sat in the back row. Andrea sat
one row to the left and one desk forward from her. Mr. Copple looked at his chart.
“Mindy. Andrea. Could you please stop talking?”
“Sorry,” said Mindy, “We won’t do it again.”
“Yea right,” murmured Josh Reznor, the guy who sat next to Mindy and behind
Andrea. He was familiar with the two girls talking habits.
“What did you say?” asked Mindy in a pissed off bitchy attitude.
“I simply stated that you most likely will never shut up in your entire life,” replied
Josh, obviously trying to patronize her.
“What would you know about talking, you solitude driven freak?” asked Andrea in
an even more pissed of manner then Mindy. What she said wasn’t far from the truth,
though. Josh really enjoys solitude. It helps him write music for his band. Freak was a
term used in that school to describe anyone who listens to hard rock music that isn’t a
prep.
“Okay,” Mr. Copple said. “Don’t argue. Just try to stop talking. Okay class,
threw out the entire semester I will be requiring you to write a journal. Today is the only
day I am giving a topic. The rest of the year it is free writing. Your topic is yourself. Just
write a little on who you are. Keep it kind of short because you will be presenting to the
class to introduce yourself. You have ten minutes of writing time, so get writing.”
The class started to write. About two minutes in Mindy and Andrea started
talking. “I thought you two weren’t going to talk anymore.” said Mr. Copple. Andrea
had a worried look on her face. “Andrea, could you please move to the empty desk in
front of you.”
“Mr. Copple,” Josh said, “Do you think that’s going to stop them from talking?
I’ve seen them talk from the opposite ends of a room before.”
“Josh, just try and ignore them if they start talking.”
“What ever,” Josh said not to happy. Nothing pissed Josh off as much as a teacher
who didn’t know how to properly handle there students. He started writing again.
Andrea moved up one seat.
About a minute later, “Hey. Mindy.”
“Yea.”
“Will you two shut the hell up!?!?!?!” yelled Josh who didn’t really expect an
answer. And that shut everyone up. No one said a word. Even Mr. Copple was afraid to
talk.
Several minutes later Mr. Copple walked to the front of the class and said, “Okay
everyone get ready to present your entries. Lets start with you Josh.”
Josh sat in his chair and started reading. “No,” said Mr. Copple, “Get up here and
read it.”
Josh got up and started walking toward the front. As he passed Andrea she said,
“Loser.” He just gave her an evil glance. That some how frightened her. She looked
down to her desk and made it look like she wasn’t scared and hadn’t even said anything at
all. The made Josh feel proud and powerful.
Josh got to the front and started, “Hi. My name is Josh Reznor, no relation to
Trent, although he is my idol. My life kinda revolves around music. I am the lead
screamer in a band called Spawned that has been having trouble from the beginning
because total lack of drummer and creativity. I also play guitar. I almost always listen to
music. The only time my room doesn’t have music in it is when I’m asleep or out of the
room. Speaking of my room it’s my own personal for of solitude. When in it no one’s
opinion matters to me and creativity is flowing threw it. It’s my own personal escape
from the ignorance of society. I often sit and just think. Just about random things.
Mainly how much the government is messed up and how the Christian religion, along with
many others, are full of themselves. I wouldn’t say I have a religion. I feel rather
morbid,” Josh started walking back to his seat.
“That was rather morbid,” Mr. Copple said.
That made Josh stop. He chuckled. “Thanks,” Josh said with a smile.
“I’m looking to read your journal with great interest,” Mr. Copple said. “Next
will be Brad Patrick.”
The rest of the speeches went on with out Josh saying a word. Josh didn’t pay
attention because of how he thought most would be full of dumb, ignorant statements. He
sat there bored.

The bell rang and Josh got up almost immediately. Josh was basically running to
the door. “Hey! Josh! Wait up a minute!” a deep voice said from behind him. Josh
turned trying to find out who owned the voice. A blond haired guy came up to him. He
was a bit taller then Josh. He was wearing a Fear Factory shirt, a good first impression on
Josh. “Hey. I’m Brad.”
“Good for you,” replied Josh. A moment of silence went by. “Was there
something you wanted?”
“Oh. Sorry,” said Brad, “That was a good speech. Something that caught my
attention was that your band is looking for a drummer.”
Josh and Brad started walking. “You play drums?” asked Josh.
“Well no. My friends band was looking for a drummer and I started saving up and
he said he would let me join, but I moved.
“And you want to join my band?”
“Yes.”
“And you have no experience?” Josh asked as he was getting to his locker.
“That’s right. But I think I can keep a beat.”
“That’s good,” Josh said. He put in his combination. It wouldn’t open. “Son of a
bitch!” Josh yelled kicking his locker.
The guy Josh shares a locker with cam up to him and said, “Let me do it.”
Brad looked puzzled, “Who is that?”
“Him?” Jake asked, “He’s asshole. His real name is Eric, but I call him asshole.
We had to share a locker last year and I’m stuck with him again this year.”
“Josh! How many times have I told you not to keep your skateboard in the
locker?” Eric yelled throwing the board at him.
“Never,” replied Josh. “You have never told me not to keep it in there.”
Eric got a very pissed off look on his face, “Shut up.” He slammed the locker shut
and walked away in a manner that made it look like someone shoved a big stick up his ass.
“So Brad. If you join us will you work hard? You know we aren’t slacker
children,” said Josh.
“Childhood is over when you realize you’re going to die,” replied Brad.
“Where have I heard that?”
“Top Dollar. The Crow. Best movie ever?”
“I am a moron. And I’m guessing that means you will work hard.”
“Yep,” Brad said with a smile.
“Okay. The other two members and I are going skating right now. I’ll discuss it
with them. You can come if you want to.”
“That sounds cool,” They both started walking, Brad following Josh.
“Oh,” Josh started, “by the way, we normally don’t work hard. We mainly slack
of, play video games, eat pizza, and occasionally play music.”
Brad laughed and said, “Sounds good to me.”
Brad and Josh went out the front door of the school. “So what kind of music do
you listen to anyway?” Josh asked.
“My favorite band is Fear Factory. Mudvayn is cool. Godsmack is amazing. Stuff
like that,” replied Brad.
“Those all rule. Do you ever want our band to sound like that?”
“Not really,” Brad said, “I would rather sound original then like them.”
Josh just stared at him. “Correct,” he finally said, “We don’t ever want to sound
like them. Even when we cover them we don’t want to sound like them. When covering
bands so far we’ve been good at not sounding like them cause we sound like crap.”
“I was scared for a second when you weren’t responding.
Someone wearing a Dope shirt and extremely wide bottom pants with a four foot
chain connecting his wallet to a belt loop came up to them. “Hey Ryan,” said Josh. “This
is Brad,” he said pointing at Brad. “He is interested in the drummer position in our band.”
“Planning on taking lessons?” Ryan asked looking at Brad.
“Of course,” Brad replied.
“I have no problem with him then,” Ryan said looking at Josh. He looked back at
Brad and stuck out his hand. “Ryan Draven, lead guitar.”
Brad shook his hand and said, “Brad Patrick, hopeful new drummer,” Ryan
chuckled a bit.
“This kid is good,” Ryan looked at Brad’s shirt. “Obsolete or Digimortal?”
“Obsolete.”
“This kids really good.”
Ryan looked over Brad’s shoulder and saw the final member of the band. “Jay!”
Ryan shouted. Brad got startled and jumped. Jay turned around and started going toward
them. Brad looked around and saw him. Jay had red spiky hair and was wearing the same
Fear Factory shirt as Brad. Brad recognized Jay. He looked at Josh.
“He lives down the street from me.” Brad said.
“Yea for him,” Josh said. Jay was there now. “Brad, this is Jay. Jay this is Brad.”
“Nice shirt,” Jay said.
“You too,” Brad replied.
Ryan decided to speak. “He will most likely be the new drummer.”
“Yes. Another person to drown out my bass.” Jay said sarcastically. Brad looked
rather sorry and guilty not hearing the sarcasm. “Hey man, I was only kidding. I’m glad
we are finally getting a drummer. We’ve been playing for six months without one.”
“Sorry to break up the meeting,” Josh started, “but in a few minutes the skate park
will be full so we should go. Brad. Were you coming?”
“Sure,” Brad said, “I don’t have a board but I’ll come anyway.”
“Cool. Ryan’s car is over there” he said pointing to the parking lot. They headed
toward there still talking.

They arrived at the skate park. As they pulled in everyone but Brad was looking
around at the people at the park. Josh spotted her first and said, “We’re going.”
“Oh no we’re not,” Ryan said noticing her too.
“What are guys talking about?” Brad said confused.
“There is a girl who Ryan and I proceed to call Skate Girl, because she works at
the local Hot Spot along Josh over here and she’s always here,” Jay started. “And, of
course, Josh has a thing for her but won’t talk to her outside of work, other then saying
‘Hi’ and other general things like that.”
Ryan took over, “We’re trying to get him to talk with her but he’s being a moron.”
“Which one is she?” Brad asked as they got out of the car.
“You see the girl on top of the half pipe? The blond with a white shirt and big blue
jeans?” Ryan asked Brad.
“Yea!” Brad said rather alert. “Great selection, Josh.”
“No,” said Ryan. “That’s my girlfriend, Jenny. Josh’s is the tall one to her left
with short black hair and a black tank top. Her name is Kalie.”
“Okay,” Brad said.
They all started walking over, Josh kind of straggling behind. Jenny, Ryan’s girl
friend, ran over and gave him a hug. “How’s it going?” Ryan asked.
“Very well,” she answered. “And how is Mr. Reznor today?” she questioned.
“Not going to happen,” Josh said with a stern look on his face.
“What?” Brad asked, “Does she know about his little Kalie obsession?”
“It’s not an obsession,” Josh said. “And yes she does. How about we start
skating?” And they did.
“Hi. I’m Jenny,” she said to Brad. Ryan went off skating.
“I’m Brad.”
“How do you know them?” Jenny asked as they walked to a park bench to sit
down.
“I meet Josh in English today and told him I was interested in Spawned’s drummer
position.”
“Okay. I’m guessing you got it.” He nodded. “Yea. They’re desperate.”
“Oh shit!” Josh yelled as he took a face dive on the half pipe with his board going
flying. Brad, Jenny, and everyone else got worried but no one did anything as he lied
there. Eventually his board rolled back and hit him in the head. There was blood on the
half pipe as he lied there rather limp.
“Should we help him?” Brad asked really concerned.
“Naw,” Jenny replied. “He wipes out all the time. He broke his wrist about three
months ago and that’s how they discovered he could sing. Or rather yell in this case.”
“Okay,” Brad looked over and saw the puddle of blood. “Are you sure we
shouldn’t help him? That’s a bit of blood.”
“Your right. That can’t be good for his health.”
Kalie came over to the half pipe. She leaned over and helped Josh up. “Are you
okay?” she questioned.
“I’m fine,” he said as he stumbled down nearly hitting his head again.
“Let me help you over there,” Kalie said pointing to a table. They started walking
with Josh kind of clenching onto Kalie and her holding him up. “You could have a
concussion.”
As they walked by Jenny and Brad, Josh gave a little wink to Jenny. When Kalie
and Josh were out of hearing range Jenny said, “Did you see that? He winked at me. I
think he took a fall for her.”
Kalie and Josh were sitting a few benches away from Jenny and Brad. “I think you
should be fine. Not much of a boarder are you?” Kalie asked.
“No,” Josh replied. “but I only recently started,” There was a brief pause. “What
are you doing Saturday?”

Several minutes later Brad, Josh, Jay, and Ryan got back in the car. “You took a
dive for Kalie?” Ryan blurted.
“I got sick of you guys nagging on me,” Josh used as a lame excuse. “Brad. You
like Slipknot?”
“Yea,” Brad replied.
“Good. They announced on Saturday that the concert in two weeks is being
moved to a bigger arena to have more people. Sense we couldn’t get tickets the first time
we are going to on Saturday.. You want to came?”
“Sure”
“Good. Tomorrow we have band practice. Just meet me after English.”
“Okay.” He responded.

The next day after English Brad and Josh meet up.
“Okay. I’m driving you to my place,” Josh said, “and Jay and Ryan are meeting us
there.”
They went to Joshes locker. He opened the locker and grabbed his folders.
“Follow me,” Josh said, “They started walking. “So why haven’t I ever seen you around
this school?”
“I just moved up,” Brad said. “Yesterday was my first day.”
“That’s right. So you don’t have many friends yet?”
“No.”
“Don’t expect to make many. This school is infested with hella morons, jocks,
preps, freaks, and plain old geeks.”
“What do you fall under?” Brad inquired.
“Freak,” Josh replied. They excited the school.
“So...” Brad started, “what happened with Kalie?”
“She helped me, I requested a date, she excepted,” Josh said with a grin on his
face. “We’re going out on Saturday.”
“Good job. Wait! What about Slipknot tickets on Saturday?” Brad asked
worried.
“Our dates after that.” They walked a little further and stopped at a white Ford
p.o.s.
“This is your car? What a piece of junk,” Brad said.
“Do you have a car?”
“Point taken”
They at down and put on there seat belts. Josh started the car and all of a sudden
the fierce drumming of Slipknot’s “(SIC)” started blaring threw ever speaker of the car.
Josh turned down the volume and put the car into reverse. He looked over his shoulder.
Before he started driving he asked, “Have you heard the rumors of me being a psycho
driver yet?”
“No,” Brad replied.
“Okay,” Josh said. “There all true,” He floored it and spun out back ward.
“Holy shit!” Brad yelled. Josh steeped on the break and put it into drive. Then he
floored it again. “Holy shit!” Brad repeated.

In a matter of minutes they were at Josh’s house. The entered and went to his
room to get his guitar and things.
“When are Jay and Ryan going to get here?” Brad asked.
“In a few minutes,” Josh said. “They drive like me,” he said with a smile.
They brought all his stuff to the garage. It was a B. C. Rich Warlock guitar, two
distortion pedals and an Ibanez amp. “And that’s possibly the most I will be doing
concerning musical instruments today,” Josh said.
“You were serious when you said that you guys don’t play much,” Brad said.
“Yep,” Josh replied when a car rolled up into his drive way. Jay and Ryan got out
of the car. “You bring it?” Josh yelled. Ryan held up his copy of Twisted Metal: Black.
“Sweet.”
“What’s that?” Brad asked.
“This is only the best video game ever, Twisted Metal: Black,” Ryan said. “Josh is
dumb and doesn’t own it. But he plays my copy enough to be good at it. We have always
said when we get a fourth member we will be holding a little tournament.”
“So...” Brad started, “We aren’t going to even try writing music?”
“Nope,” Jay said, “We didn’t even bring our instruments.”
“Average Spawned band practice,” Josh said. “Well not really. We do normally
do stuff but we need to do something to celebrate you entering the band. What better
then blowing each other’s cars up?”
They all laughed.
“Oh!” Brad remembered, “Yesterday I signed up for drumming lessons so even
though I don’t have the set just yet I can at least get some practice in.”
“Good thinking,” Jay said.
The presided to have the tournament. They each got two cars and they randomly
picked who would face who and played from there. Ryan wasted all of them.
After that they made a pizza. That got eaten very very fast. They decided they
would do something as soon as Brad got his drums.
“You’re coming to Slipknot, right?” Jay asked Brad.
“Yea,” Brad replied.
“So I’m picking you all up Saturday morning around nine thirty. Everyone
remember your money. Jay, you still owe me money from the Godsmack Deftones
concert last month,” Josh said
“Yea, yea, yea,” Jay said. “Well I have to go so anyone getting a ride from me get
in my car now.” Brad figured for connivance he would just go with him.

At nine thirty Saturday morning Josh picked up Ryan, Brad, and Jay. They were
heading to Ticketmaster to get tickets to the upcoming Slipknot concert. They arrived at
Ticketmaster about 10 minutes before the tickets went on sale.
“I can’t believe we finally get to see Slipknot live,” Jay said with great enthusiasm.
“I can’t believe we are going to get floor,” Ryan said.
Brad looked at him strange. “How do you know we are going to get floor?”
“Well they are just going on sale and there are what? Five people in front of us?
We’re getting floor.”
Josh looked at Brad and said, “When we go, we will have floor, and you will
mosh, and you will walk out with bruises, flesh wounds, and possibly some internal
bleeding.”
Brad looked really frightened. Tickets then went on sale. They got floor. On the
way home Brad said, “Am I really going to get injured?”
Jay replied, “Probable not. The worst thing that will probable happen is a bruise if
you mosh for a while.”
“Thank god.”
Josh leaned over and whispered to Ryan, “He will be on his way to the hospital by
the end of the third song.”
“I say before Slipknot even takes stage,” Ryan said.
“You got yourself a bet.”

Later that day Josh picked up Kalie. They had decided to go out to the mall for a
while, get something to eat, then go back to Josh’s house and watch a movie.
At the mall they spent most of there time at Best Buy. They discussed many bands
and how the music industry is going to hell and back. Josh was amazed with what he
learned about Kalie. She had always seemed like a peaceful, alternative music loving,
kinda girl. Turns out she’s more of an aggressive, hard rock girl. Of course he didn’t
mind this at all.
They then went to the food court. They decided on Chinese food. When Kalie
ordered her meal what she didn’t realize was it had chili peppers in it. She realized it
when she accidentally ate one. She felt so sick.
Josh told her it shouldn’t be to bad after a while. She said that when it comes to
spicy foods she was rather a light weight. She felt sicker every minute. They then decided
to skip the movie at Josh’s house and have him just drop her off right now.

Later that night Josh decided to call her and check up on her. “Hi, is Kalie there?”
he asked when someone, presumably her dad picked up the phone.
“Hold on moment,” he replied.
There was a sound of a receiver being picked up. “Hello?” Kalie said.
“Hey,” Josh said, “Just decided to call and see if you feel any better.”
“How sweet,” she said. That made Josh blush a little bit. “You just made my
night.”
“No problem. I guess that means you feel a bit better now?”
“Yes,” she answered. They went on to have a long conversation.

The day came where Brad got his drums. He went on a Friday after school. He
got a nice new Zildjian set.
They had band practice. It was at Brad’s house so they could set up his set. They
practiced and practiced for hours. It was at about eleven o’clock they realized that it was
about eleven o’clock and they were all suppose to have been home about two hours
earlier.
“I could see if my parents would let you all crash her for the night,” Brad offered.
“That sounds cool,” Jay said. Brad went in and out really fast and said that his
parents weren’t awake so it was fine. They each individually called there parents to let
them know they don’t need to worry.
“I’m kinda tired,” Ryan said. “Should we play more to make me really tired?”
They, of course, did.
That was the best band practice they ever had. The were doing so well that they
forgot about the concert the next night. Brad was very good for not having a drum set for
more then eight hours. They decided to do a cover of the song “My Own Summer (Shove
It)”, originally done by the Deftones. They got about three songs written, excluding lyrics
though.
They slept. The next day Josh asked if they could tape all the songs so he could at
least be able to hear the music he was trying to write lyrics too. They did. They used a
very bad tape deck. The sound quality made it seem like they recorded it in a room with
the worst acoustics ever. They didn’t care though.

Later that day they arrived at the arena about ten minutes before the concert. The
opening act was Tin Fed, a small band from California. Not many people had heard of
them so the audience was silent and there was next to no moshing during there set. Brad
some what liked there last song but the rest of them disliked the band completely.
The second band didn’t show because of a video shoot so they went straight to
Slipknot. At this time Josh headed toward the mosh pit. They opened was the same as
the beginning of there self titled disc and then “(SIC)”. After about 30 seconds Josh got
out in fear of death.
There set seemed to last forever. Each one went moshing for a small period of
time. It came to the end of the concert and they hadn’t played “Only One.” Josh was
pissed.
Slipknot left the stage. The crowd was still cheering and yelling “Slipknot!” and
“Encore!” and various other things. And Slipknot got back on stage.
“This is a song called “Only One,” said 8. Josh’s head perked up and headed to
the pits. He was moshing threw most of the song. “Only one of us walks away!” 8 yelled
from deep in his gut. “Only one of us walks away!” he yelled again.
All of a sudden Josh felt a strange pain in his back he never had felt before. He
looked at his back and saw something that would change his life forever.
Josh, Brad, Jay, and Ryan found each other pretty fast. Josh was kind of weeping.
“What’s the matter, man?” Ryan asked looking very concerned.
“I was stabbed with this,” Josh said pulling out a syringe.
“So?” Jay said. “Some one tried shooting you up with crack or something. What’s
the big deal?”
“On the needle was this,” Josh said pulling out a small piece of paper with the
words, “Welcome to the wonderful world of AIDS” written on it.

Josh and his parents were sitting in a hospital office. Josh and his mom were just
about to break into tears. The doctor came in. “Your results have come,” the doctor said,
“Your blood sample is infected.” Josh closed his eyes. A tear came out.

Journal Entry Number One
9-19-2001
This is Just a total shock to me. I can’t believe I’ve been diagnosed with HIVS.
And getting it from a concert where I didn’t even have sex at, no less. This is going to
majorly mess up my life style. I’m need to exercise more, eat better and all that not so fun
stuff. God this is going to suck.
I’m wondering how Kalie is going to take this. This will probable change many
things between us. AT least nothing had really been going on where it would really make
a big difference right away. I have a strange feeling she will always look at me different.
Together or not.
For the first time in my life I can say I’m truly afraid. I’m afraid that my virus will
spread faster then it does normally. I’m afraid for my life. I’m afraid of losing Kalie. I’m
so afraid...

One
Josh decided it was time to tell Kalie about his sickness. He picked up the phone
and hesitated. He couldn’t believe he would have to ever tell someone that he has
something that will lead to his death. He dialed her number.
“Hello?” said the voice on the other line.
“Hey Kalie,” Josh said, “It’s Josh.”
“Oh hey,” Kalie said, “What’s up?”
“There’s something I need to tell you.”
“Okay. Shoot.”
“The other day at the concert something happened to me. Something very bad,”
Josh started. “I was in the mosh pit when I felt this pain in my back. When I checked it
out there was a needle sticking into my back,” Josh paused. He heard a sharp gasp on the
other end of the line. “When the doctor checked it out he said I was HIV positive.”
“Oh my god,” Kalie said. She was in total shock. She was so shocked she
accidentally hung up the phone.
Josh heard this click. “Hello? Hello?” There was a brief pause. “What the...”

Several days later Josh was eating with his parents when he got a phone call. His
mother was the one to pick it up. “Hello,” she said. “One moment. Josh it’s for you.”
Josh got up and picked up the phone. “Hello?” he said
“Hi,” said the voice on the other end of the line. “My name is Don Gaiman. I am
one of the people who run the Garage. I’m guessing you know what that is.”
“Yea. Of course. It’s the night club for teens,” Josh said.
“Yes,” replied Don, “Yesterday we received a demo from a band called Spawned
who we are interested in having play at the club. The demo had a note that said call this
number and ask for you. Are you a member or a manager for the band?”
“Member.”
“We want you guys to compete at the battle of the bands a week from Friday.”
“Oh my god,” Josh said, “Are you serious?”
“Of course,” Don said.
“Umm. I’m going to need to consult the rest of the band first. Would I be able to
call you back?”
“Yes,” said Don. “Do you need the clubs number?”
“No. I have it around here some where.”
“Okay. Just ask for Don.”
“I’ll do that,” Josh said, “Bye.” He hung up the phone.
“Who was that?” asked Josh’s mother.
“Oh. Just some guy wanting to know if my band could play at his club,” Josh said
with a smile.

After Josh finished eating dinner he was ridiculed by his band members for even
waiting to ask them about the gig. He then made a call to the Garage telling him that they
can and will play a week from Friday.
Josh called Kalie to tell her the news. She seemed rather happy for them and said
that she would definitely go. To Josh she seemed not exactly in her mind though. It kind
of bothered him. He asked her what was wrong but she said she was fine and suggested
that the band, her, and Ryan’s girlfriend go out and celebrate.
They went out to a Dairy Queen because most of them had dinner already. Jenny,
Ryan’s girlfriend, didn’t come though. That made Ryan not to happy because he could
have sworn that she said she wasn’t doing anything that night. That and the fact it was a
big step in his career as a musician.
They talked about what the band planed on doing during there set. They had no
clue. They made suggestions. Most of the time they goofed off. They were just shocked
that they were offered a gig at an actual club. Shocked but excited.

Josh was in his room trying to write some new music for the show that was in a
week when the phone rang. He didn’t answer, like normal. His mom stepped in the
room. “Josh. Phone call.”
“Thanks,” he said walking to his phone, “Hello?”
“Hi,” said the voice on the other end of the line, “It’s Kalie.”
“We’ve been dating for over a month, I can recognize your voice,” Josh replied.
“Oh. did you want to go to the mall or something?” she asked
“Sure,” he said, “Should I pick you up or meet you there?”
“I think it would be best if you meet me there. Where should we meet?”
“Fountain outside of Mervins?” he respond in the form of a question.
“Sounds good,” They hung up and he left.

They both arrived at the mall around the same time. They meet at the fountain.
“How’s it going?” Josh asked.
“I’m good,” Kalie said.
“That’s good. Was there any place you wanted to go?”
“Not really,” she said. They walked around for a little while.
“Josh,” Kalie finally said. “There is something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”
“Okay,” Josh said, rather worried, “Shoot.”
“I don’t want to go out with you any more,” she blurted out.
“What?” Josh said shocked, “Why?” he had been worried that she might say
something band like she was moving, or something like that but he didn’t expect her to
break up with him.
“It’s not you as a person or anything like that. It’s just... Well, it’s your disease,”
she said.
“Oh, bull shit!” Josh shouted. “I was diagnosed about half a month ago. Why
would it take that long to break up with a loser like me?”
“Well,” she said, stuttering, “at first I realized how this would affect our
relationship so that’s when I first thought of it but I decided to put it off to see what it
would be like. Then earlier this week I realized if our relationship would last how much it
would affect me wanting a child. Not to sound self centered but I don’t want the disease
either.”
“Adoption!! Artificial insemination!!! There are ways we could have a child with
out your health getting in risk.”
“I would want it with the one I love and have it be his and mine natural child,” she
said. “I’m so sorry.” She walked away.
“Kalie! Wait!” Josh yelled. “Wait!” He ran over to her and walked in front of her
and facing her. “Can we just talk more about this?”
“I have to be at work in a hour and a half,” she said.
“Come on! Please!” he said as she got around him and walked a lot faster. He
stopped completely.

In an hour and a half Josh decided to go to Hot Spot. “What?” Kalie said as soon
as he entered.
“I just want to talk,” Josh replied
“I’m working,” she said.
“Just give us a shot to work around my sickness,” he pleaded
A manager walked up to him and said, “Josh, could you leave her alone?”
“Hey,” Josh said, “I’m just trying to save something a bit more important the
disrupting a worker.” He turned back to Kalie. “Just give me another chance. I realize
the reason for the breakup is beyond my control but please.”
“Josh,” said the manager. “Come here,” Josh followed the manager to the back
room. “In the past two weeks you seemed to have changed a bit. It’s not a good change
either. So unless you make an attitude adjustment I may have to fire you.”
“In the past two weeks I’ve changed?” Josh repeated the managers statement.
“You don’t know the first thing about the past two weeks of my life. Do you even have a
guess of what I’ve gone threw?” The manager didn’t say anything. “Do you fucking
know what I’ve gone threw!?”
“No,” said the manager.
“I was stabbed at a concert with a syringe. I was diagnosed with the HIV virus. I
just lost my girl friend. And that’s just the things I can think of right now. There has been
a lot more. So don’t chew me out about an attitude change!”
“You’re fired.”

Journal Entry Number Two
9-29-01
I never really expressed how much I liked my job but I really did. I always thought
it was fun working for a place where I mainly had to stand around for several hours and
sell stuff. So that really pissed me off and in some fucked up way made me depressed.
The depression just may be because Kalie dumping me but either way I’m more
depressed then I was just a few days ago. Another thing that sucks was I was finally
hoping to be able to celebrate a birthday with a girlfriend this year. But of course this so
called God had to fuck that over for me by having her break up with me just a few days
before my 17th birthday. Oh well. No biggy.
I hope I can either change Kalie’s mind about the hole break up thing or she
changes it on her own. I’m going to give it a few days before I try calling her. She did
have her good reasons for breaking up with me but as I said to her there are ways around
the fact of me not being able to provider her with the stuff it takes to have a child. I just
wish that wouldn’t be such a big deal. I guess it just is for her and I should deal with it.

Two
Four days after Josh was fired was his birth day. He was turning 17. This was the
most depressing birthday in his life. He was depressed about how he knew he was going
to die sooner then he had hoped. Depressed about being single yet again after his best
relationship ever. He was depressed about not having a good source of income.
He received fairly decent gifts from his parents. One that stood out was a knife.
He got it from his father. “This knife has been passed down from generation to
generation,” his father said. “It is very valuable. It rather an antique.”
Josh looked at the knife. It was about six inches long. on the base of the handle it
had his initials engraved in it. “If it’s an antique why are my initials on the bottom?” Josh
asked.
“Those were your great great great grandfather’s initials too. It’s mearly a
coincidence,” his father said. “He was the one who hand crafted it. Take good care of it.
I generally left it in a glass case. But it’s yours now. You can do whatever you wish with
it but just keep in mind it’s valuable.”
“Thanks dad. I’ll keep very good care of it,” Josh said.

Later that night Josh got a phone call. “Hello?” he asked picking it up.
“Hi,” said Kalie, on the other end of the line. “Just wanted to wish you a happy
birthday.
“Thanks. Not to happy though?” he said.
“Why?”
“That’s rather a stupid question. My life is on a downer if you forgot,” Josh said.
He took in a deep breath.
“Well maybe my gift will cheer you up?”
“Did they find the cure for AIDS?” Josh asked sarcastically.
“No. But I’ve thought about it and I want to be your girlfriend again.”
“Yea... That cheers me up a little,” Josh said. Kalie laughed. They talked till
midnight then Kalie’s mom kicked her off the phone.

Two days before there gig Josh was sitting at home practicing his guitar rives by
himself when he got a phone call. It was Don Gaiman, one of the managers at the Garage.
“We just got a call earlier today from another band playing in two days,” Don said,
“They have to cancel do to things out of there control. Not sure what exactly but we’re
adding five minutes to everyone’s set so you will need to extend whatever you had planed.
Is that a problem?”
“No,” Josh said, “We can defiantly do that.”
“Good,” Don said.
“Okay. Bye,” Josh said hanging up the phone. “We are fucked.”
He called the other guys and they came over. They had exactly forty-eight hours
to figure out what they were going to do to fill up the extra unexpected five minutes.
“Okay,” said Ryan, “We need to figure out how to fill five minutes and we are
worried?”
“That’s exactly it,” said Brad.
“We have around a half hour of music written. Why don’t we just use more of
that?”
“We want to play out best music,” Josh said, “A lot of that is crap. And plus we
have used most of it.”
“Let’s write something new then,” Jay said, “I’ve came up with a decent riff for a
song the other day.”
He started playing what he wrote. Brad got behind his drums. He started playing
slow and light. He gradually got heavier and faster.
Both Josh and Ryan were trying to think of guitar music to go with it. They
weren’t being to successful.
Soon Brad was playing really hard. His cymbals were in just about constant
movement. All of a sudden -CRACK. He broke one of his sticks.
“Son of a bitch!” he yelled.
“Well that sucks,” Ryan said, “I was coming up with something too.”
“Okay,” Josh said, “You two work on that while I take Brad to get new sticks.”

About Five minutes later they got to the music store. “Go get your sticks. I’ll be
over by the distortion pedals. The new Ibanez ones are suppose to be out,” Josh said.
“Okay,” Brad said running over to the drumming stuff. Josh went to where the
distortion pedals are and started looking. Several minutes passed and he was wondering
what was taking Brad so long. He went over to the drums and saw Brad talking to Jenny
who just happened to be there.
“Well, well, well,” Josh said, “Look who it is.”
“Hello Josh,” Jenny said, “How are you?”
“I’m fine,” he replied.
“Good. I heard Kalie broke up with you.”
“For like a day,” Josh said getting annoyed. “If you don’t mind I need my
drummer back so we must be leaving.”
Josh and Brad stated walking to the register. “Brad!” Jenny yelled. Both Josh and
Brad looked back. “Call me.”
They got to the register. “What the hell was that?” Josh asked very concerned.
“I’ve been trying to tell you guys this for a while but I never could find a good way
to do it,” Brad started. He took a deep breath and said, “Jenny’s cheating on Ryan.”
“With you?!” Josh yelled in anger.
“No. God no. I would never stab a friend in the back like that. Especially a band
member. But she tried getting me to do it,” Brad said feeling rather guilty for not telling
them sooner.
“We’re are telling Ryan as soon as we get back.”

And they did. And he was pissed. And he asked for them to go to her house.
And they did.
“What the fuck?!” Ryan yelled when Jenny opening the door.
“Oh no,” Jenny said.
“Damn right oh no!” Ryan said, “How the hell could you do that to me? For the
love of god how could you do this!?”
She just stood there in a daze, “I, I,” she stuttered, “I don’t know.”
“How could you not know? You fucking did it!” Ryan started yelling so hard his
vocal cords started to ache. “You fucking whore. It’s so over.”
Ryan, Josh and Jay started walking away. “I’m sorry,” said Brad to Jenny. He
walked away and caught up with the rest of them. Jenny just stood there.

It was the night of the concert. They were all nervous as hell. They got there
instruments and everything over to the Garage several hours before they started. They
were the first to go on.
“I have never been so nervous in my life,” Brad said.
“I can second that,” Jay said.
“We just need to stay focused and kind of ignore the crowd and act like we are in
our garage playing,” Josh said trying to calm them all down.
“I’m going to play like shit,” Ryan said. “I’m going to suck us up. I’m not going
to be able to focus. I’m not going to be able to ignore this crowd. Look at it. There’s
about three hundred people here. And they all have no clue who the hell we are. What if
they think we suck?”
“Calm down!” Brad said.
“Sorry. I’m just pissed about the other night and Jenny and shit. My life sucks,”
Ryan said. Josh just looked at him.
An employee came up to them. “You guys need to do your sound check. You
guys take the stage in five.”
They all just looked at each other. “Okay,” Josh said. “Ryan, stop thinking about
Jenny. Everyone, stop thinking about everything other then the music. If we suck, who
gives a damn. It’s our first show. It’s a battle of the bands and I did research and both of
the bands have already won this several times. We loose we have a good excuse. Just do
what we did at practice earlier. Let’s go.”
They went out there and all tuned there instruments. They started there sound
check. They made sure there was no static noises and no one was drowning anyone out.
When it came to there instruments they were experienced and ready to go. As a group
they were infantile.
They started out playing a song they wrote called “Undone.” They crowd seemed
to enjoy it a little. It was lyrics of depression and how things were going terribly wrong all
the time. “That was called ‘Undone’,” Josh said after they were done with it. “We are
called Spawned. This is our first show so that’s why we suck. Just don’t loose all hope.
This next song is called ‘Kalie.’”
The inspiration for that song is rather obvious. Josh wrote it originally as a solo
after Kalie broke up with him. He was playing lead guitar. During a short solo in the
song Josh glanced over at Ryan and new he was loosing his grip on realty. He was
sweating really bad and was missing many notes. After the song was over Josh went to
Brad and ask to play like a drum solo for a moment.
“Get a grip on it man,” Josh said to Ryan. “I know what your dealing with and it’s
not easy.”
“I’m trying hard,” Ryan said, “I wish I had a bit more time to let it sink in then
twenty four hours till what could be the biggest moment in our careers as musicians.”
“This is only a small step for us. We have a long and big career ahead of us,” Josh
said trying to reason with him. He looked over at Brad and could tell he was waiting for
us to come out. “We need to get back out there. Just take all your aggression and hate
for Jenny right now and direct in your playing. Make it advance you. Please.”
They both went back out and Josh grabbed the mic. “Sorry about that. I just
needed to discuss something. But anyway. That was an amazing solo by Brad back
there,” Josh said trying not to let tension rip apart there performance. “We only have
enough time for about three or four more songs. This one is titled ‘Normal like you.’”
This song was about how they wished not to be normal. It was a desperate attempt to
write something the first day that Brad had his drum set.
The song got done and they played two more. “I believe we have time for one
more song. What should we play?” Josh said looking at Ryan. Ryan mouthed something
to Josh. “Okay. Just let me put down my guitar,” Josh said taking of his guitar. Brad
started the song with two quick hits on his drums and then Ryan started playing. The
audience started cheering knowing that it was a cover of “My own Summer (Shove It)” by
the Deftones. They all played with there full energy and it actually turned out not half bad.
The set was finished and all they had to do was take down there instruments and
wait for the other two bands to play and the judges to rule on who they think should win.
The other two bands played. They really played well. Josh totally lost all hope.
And so did the other members. Josh’s parents, who were backstage with them told him
not to worry. It’s only the biggest night of his life so far he thought to himself.
They wound up loosing. Josh wasn’t mad because the other bands deserved it
more then they did. Ryan blamed himself because of his lack of concentration. Jay agreed
with Ryan partially. Jay thought that they were no were near as much prepared as they
needed to be. They decided to go home and have another practice in a few days to try and
improve there live playing.

Josh and his parents got home to find a broken into home. They looked around
and saw found many of there valuables missing. A few TV’s. Most of Josh’s CD’s. Josh
even looked at where he hid most of the money he was saving for some studio time.
Gone. It was all gone. Even the knife his father had given him just a few days earlier.
Josh, along with his parents were not happy at all.

Several days passed and Spawned decided to have a band practice. They got
together at Josh’s house and tried concentrating on improving the stuff they had made
already. They played for several hours. Much of there stuff improved just by Ryan
forgetting about Jenny.
The only problem was when the phone rang. Josh picked it up. “Hello?” he said.
“Hey,” said the voice on the other end of the line. “Where the hell are you?”
“Oh Kalie. Shit. I totally forgot we had a date,” Josh said worried.
“Well don’t bother coming. I’m ending it again. You’ve blown me off several
times for band stuff and you haven’t called much sense we started dating again,” Kalie said
pissed off. She hung up the phone.
Josh did the same. “Well now that Ryan has stopped thinking about his failed
relationship I’m starting to think about mine.”

Journal Entry Number Three
10-14-2001
Damn it. Not again. This is just the suckiest month of my life. So much crap has
happened. It’s really annoying. I can’t believe my girlfriend managed to break up with me
twice in a month. Isn’t that just amazing? Well I think it is. It’s also really crappie.
But I just can’t believe that my music is reason she broke up with me. This time I
highly dought that she will take me back too. She was what was keeping me sane for the
past few months. I’m so going to miss her.
But I dought that my band mates will miss her. I’ve already have been writing
thing inspired by the loss of her and it shows. They are sick of me writing about it. Ryan
especially. Ryan is rather pissing me off. He doesn’t realize that I’m just trying to vent
my anger and aggression so I don’t take it out on him or someone else.
I just wish I could move on like he did.

Three
It was the end of the term at school several weeks later. For Josh’s and Brad they
won’t have English together anymore. They both turned in the journals they are being
forced to write. Mr. Copple was reading every journal and going to talk to every owner
of it.
When it came to Josh’s talk with Mr. Copple it was kind of a awkward situation
because the two of them didn’t really get along to well from the first day of the class. “I
can’t believe I’m going to say this,” Mr. Copple started, “but this is the best journal I have
read.” Josh just looked at him funny. “Is everything in this true?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?” Josh asked.
“It just seems odd that all these bad things would happen to one person. I’m not
calling you a lier or anything but this just seems to be kinda far out there.”
“It’s a life of a teenager. In the year 2001 also. It’s going to be different then
when you were a kid. You didn’t have the HIV virus to worry about and break ups were
probable easier to deal with,” Josh said.
“You got me on the HIV part but break ups were still hard. I didn’t realize that
you had the HIV virus. Best of luck with dealing with that.”
“You did read my journal right?”
“Yes,” Mr. Copple said confused.
“Then how can you say best of luck. Some of the entries in there I wrote when I
was on the verge of a break down. I need more then luck. I need a cure.”
“I understand you completely. I’m just saying that I hope you can overcome it at
least mentally.”
“Okay,” Josh said calmly.
“But anyway best of luck with everything. Keep writing. Based on your journal I
think you could be one of todays best writers.”
“Yea. If I can live long enough to write a book,” Josh said standing up.
“You already have,” Mr. Copple said under his breath. “Well anyway. You get an
A for the journal. That’s a good thing. It pushes you to a passing grade. Have a nice
day.” Mr. Copple gave Josh back his journal.
“Thanks,” Josh said. He walked away.

At band practice several days later Josh had a potion of a new song written. “It’s
not even close to being done,” Josh said, “All I have is part of the verse and chorus.”
“That’s fine,” Jay said, “We may come up with something and further inspire the
rest of the song.”
“Okay,” Josh said turning on his amp, “My guitar is clean. Ryan you can have
distortion if you wish. Brad. Could you turn on the mic amp?” Brad turned it on.
“Thanks. Here we go.”
“Josh started with a couple cords. “It’s been a week,” he sang, “But I still need
help. I just can’t believe your out of my life.”
“Wait. Wait. Wait,” Ryan said. Josh stopped and paid attention. “This sounds
like another song about Kalie.”
Josh put down his guitar. “So? Is that a problem?
“I just thought you said you didn’t want us to be all mushy love song crap,” Ryan
said.
“No, I don’t. But I write about current issues.”
“Current issues?” Ryan said. “It’s been over two weeks.”
“Yes,” Josh said standing up and looking at his watch real quick. “It’s been over a
month. In fact it’s been the most depressing one month, five days, four hours and thirteen
minutes of my live!” yelled Josh.
“Can’t you get over it?” Ryan questioned. “I wasn’t like this when I broke up
with Jenny.”
“Two things,” Josh said. “One. She broke up with me. And two, you can’t
compare the reasons for the break ups!”
“What’s that suppose to mean?”
“You broke up with Jenny because she was a lying, cheating, psycho. Kalie broke
up with me over the bull shit excuse that she can’t see anyone with an STD let alone the
big one, HIV which I have!”
“That doesn’t mean you have to write about her constantly.”
“As I said earlier, I write about my current issues. This is one of my current issues
therefor I write. It has been on my mind sense it happened and I feel I haven’t vented
enough to stop writing,” Josh explained.
“Maybe you should stop thinking about it then,” Ryan replied.
Josh just stood there blank. “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to go out
with her?” Ryan shrugged. “January. I have been waiting for her sense January. I’ve
been striving for her sense January. And like most things I’ve tried for for that long of
time, when I get it, it’s taken away from me over something stupid. You just don’t stop
thinking about something like that.” Josh said that then walked off.
“Where are you going?” Ryan yelled. Josh was heading toward his car. Josh
didn’t turn around. He flicked off Ryan and got into his car.
He started the car. He put in a tape. “So tell me are you really -” he ejected the
tape. It was Stabbing Westward’s “Happy.” He wasn’t.

Josh drove around for about a half an hour basically doing nothing. He got down
to an eighth of a tank of gas so he drove home. His mom was gone but his dad was still
there.
“Ryan came over with your stuff,” He told him.
“Thanks for telling me,” he replied. He walked to the refrigerator and grabbed a
Coke.
“So what happened?” questioned his dad.
“I played them a new song I wrote. He got pissed off at my ideas. You know
creative differences. Anyway I got pissed and left,” Josh explained.
“When Ryan explained it, it sounded more complex then that.”
“He talked to you about it?” Josh asked angrily.
“Yep,” his father replied. “I know it sucks for her breaking up with you over your
condition but you need to get over it. I’m not going to be one of those people who says
they know what your going threw because it never did happen to me. But anyway it’s
terrible to see you like this.”
“Yea,” Josh said. “It’s terrible to feel this way. I should go call Ryan.”
“Okay.”
“Josh walked to his room, opened the door and found Ryan in there. “Hey,” said
Ryan.
“Does my dad know your here?” Josh asked worried.
“Yea. He actually suggested it.”
“Okay. Josh walked over to his radio and turned it on.
“Listen,” Ryan said, “I’m sorry for questioning your musical creativity. It’s just I
don’t want to be in a band that just writes love songs. No matter how depressing they
are.”
Josh chuckled. “Yea. I totally understand. I was just trying to vent. It’s my way
of dealing with things that are bother me.”
“I’m sorry about Kalie. I know how you felt and why it’s pissing you off.”
“How I showed my friends that I liked her was only the tip of my emotions. When
I would just talk with her I felt like I could live forever. When we weren’t together I
didn’t mind because when we did talk next I felt amazing,” Josh started tearing up a bit.
“In description I loved her. I still do. Then the concert. It’s just crap that happened.
When she broke up with me I felt my heard drop deep into my gut and stay there. But I
think of the times I was with her and the way I felt. I think of that and I feel depressed.”
“Shit,” Ryan said, “Your life seems to be in a terrible state. I’m so freaking sorry.”
Josh had let a few more tears drop. He wiped them away. “It’s okay. I need to
try and get over her.”
“Just take your time and do it in a personal way. Some day you will get over it.”
“I’m sorry for walking out of band practice and flicking you off.”
“Don’t worry about it. Oh and by the way after practice when I brought your stuff
back one of your strings on your Warlock broke. I was going to run to the guitar store
and get a new set for you but I wasn’t sure what strings you prefer.”
“Ernie Ball Super Slinky,” Josh said.
“Okay. Want to run over there with me.?”
“Sure,” Josh replied.
“Good cause I need the ride.”
Josh laughed. “Just let me tell my dad.”
“Okay,” Ryan said. Josh clarified and then they left the house. They got in Josh’s
car.
“Ryan?” Josh said. “How long did it take to get over Jenny?”
“A while,” Ryan replied. “She didn’t seem like the cheating type.”
“Based on the look on your face when Brad told you that I guessed it would be a
while.”
“Yes. I was shocked.”
“But you got over her.” Josh said.
Ryan nodded. “I question she fully got over me though. She was kinda angry
when I broke up with her.”
“It’s her own damn fault,” Josh said.
“Yep,” Ryan said.

“Ernie Ball Super Slinky? Never heard of them,” Ryan said.
“There the best,” said Josh. “There used by Tool and they are cheap.”
“Okay. I’m going to grab me a pack too. My strings are so filthy,” Ryan said as
he grabbed a pack. They walked to the counter.
“Hey,” said the clerk, “aren’t you in the band Spawned?” he asked pointing at
Josh.
“Yea,” Josh replied, “and so is he.”
“I saw you guys at the Garage a few weeks ago. Your cover of “My Own
Summer” is amazing.”
“Thanks.”
“That will be eleven dollars and eighteen cents,” said the clerk looking at Ryan.
He gave him the money, got the change and receipt, and walked out of the store.
“I hope these are better then my old Dean Markleys,” said Ryan looking at his new
strings.
“They defiantly are,” replied Josh, “What kind of Markleys did you use? The Blue
Steal ones?” A loud noise made Josh turn around.
“Yea. Those were th-” a loud thumping noise plus a quick slashing and stabbing
cut Ryan short. “Shit!”
Josh turned around and saw Ryan on the ground bleeding. “Oh shit,” he said
diving toward Ryan. He looked at his bloody body. One deep stab wound to the chest
area around the heart, a long deep gash up his left arm and a slit wrist.
“Why...” Ryan said gasping.
“Don’t worry. Everything will be all right,” Josh said as he looked around for
someone to call and get the police. “Who did this? Can you tell me?”
“Why...” Ryan’s haunting last word.
“Fuck! No!” Josh yelled. He got up and ran into the guitar store. “Call 911.
There’s been a murder outside your store.”
“That’s not good,” said the clerk while picking up the phone.
Josh ran back outside. Before he got to the body he slipped on something. He
looked back. It was his missing knife. Covered with blood.

Journal Entry Number Four
10-28-2001
Unbelievable. I never thought I would witness anyone die let alone my best friend.
I don’t believe it at all. I wish that my life would just stop being so dramatic. So much
messed up stuff is happening.
I bet anything that I’m going to be blamed for this too. I don’t know why. I feel
that the knife in a pool of Ryan’s blood is enough to convict me. Let’s just hope they can
get some better evidence.
I’m so scared right now. I don’t think I’ve been this scared and depressed. I’m on
the verge of suicide. This is just killing me slowly. I question what’s going to take my
life. My sickness or my own hands. Times like this make me wish I believed in an after
life. That way I would know where I will be going and when I get there I will have a
friend waiting.
I wonder how well Jay and Brad are taking this. They both didn’t say much the
several times that I’ve talked to them sense the murder. They can’t be taking it much
worse then I am. This is really going to change things between all of us. We are going to
start looking for a replacement lead guitarist. That’s basically all that has been said sense
the death. I hope our silence will be broken sometime soon cause it’s not helping us with
anything.
Four
“You didn’t see anyone?” asked the police officer outside the guitar store.
“No,” Josh answered. “I heard some noise, turned around, heard him say ‘Shit’,
turned back and he was bleeding all over himself. I didn’t see anyone, anywhere.”
“And did he say anything about the killer before he passed?”
“No. All he said was ‘Why.’ I’m guessing it was referring to why he was
stabbed.”
“We found an army knife at the scene of the murder with your initials carved in it.
Would it happen to be yours?”
“Yes. I was robbed about a month ago and that was one of the items taken from
my house.”
“And it just appeared here when someone just happened to be stabbed to death,”
the officer was obviously leading to a point.
“Kinda coincidental,” Josh said realizing the point the officer was trying to make.
“I didn’t kill him if that’s what you are trying to get at.”
“That’s all the questions we have. We may call you in for further questions. Have
a nice night.”
“Easy for you to say,” Josh said as he headed to his car.

A while later Josh got home. He entered his how with a very depressed look on
his face. “What’s wrong?” his father asked. “And why are you so late?”
“I need to make a phone call,” was Josh’s vague response. He picked up the
phone. He dialed Jay’s number. “Hey. Hold on a sec. I need to three way Brad in.” He
did that. “Hey guys. I have important news for you.”
“Wait,” Jay interrupted, “I’m just wondering if this is band related? Cause if it is
shouldn’t Ryan be on here too? Or does he know already?”
“Well...” Josh started. He looked at his father who was staring at him. “He did
know what I’m about to tell you. And it has nothing to do with the band but will greatly
effect it,” Josh was know keeping eye contact with his dad. “Ryan was murdered.” Josh’s
father’s mouth dropped. Silence was all there was on the other end of the line.
After several seconds Jay knew this was no joke. Out of anger he hung out the
phone. Around a minute later Brad did the same thing. No words were spoken.

The next day Ryan’s family began making funeral arrangements. During these
arrangements the topic of a eulogy came up. Ryan’s mother thought it would be best to
have a family member do the eulogy. His father disagreed and thought a friend would
know more about Ryan. His theory on this went as teens are more likely to show there
true selves to friends rather then family. With that in mind they asked Josh to do the
eulogy.

Josh was sitting in his room trying to write his eulogy when he received a phone
call. It was from Kalie.
“I’m sorry to hear about Ryan,” she said.
“Yea,” Josh said kind of trembling. “At least you didn’t have to be there when he
passed away.”
“I figured I’d just call and show sympathy,” she said, “If it’s any constellation I
know what it’s like to lose someone close. My grand mother died of heart failure three
years ago.”
“To bad it’s two completely situations,” Josh replied.
“What?”
“Your grand mother dying is different from Ryan dying. First off you probable
saw her every month or so. I saw Ryan every day. that makes my loss a daily change.
Second Ryan was murdered. Unless your grand mother’s heart failure was do to it being
ripped out of her chest I think Ryan’s death was worse. Lastly, Ryan died in my arms.
Ever experience someone dying in your arms? Not too pleasant.”
“You didn’t have to be such an asshole about it. I was trying to make you feel
better!” Kalie yelled.
“Sorry. I’m just pissed off about this and writing a eulogy doesn’t really help,”
Josh said apologetically. She just hung up angrily.

It was a bright sunny Sunday and Josh had to spend it at the funeral of his
murdered best friend. He was up front close to the family, dispite the fact that they
believe he’s responsible for the current situation.
“We are gathered here today to remember Ryan Draven and to put him to eternal
resting.” said the priest. Josh zoned out for a short period of time. It never really hit him
till that moment that he will never see Ryan again. He nearly started to cry. He didn’t
though. He zoned back in.
“And know to give the eulogy,” said the priest, “is Ryan’s best friend and band
member before death, Josh Reznor.” Josh grabbed his speech and walked up. He never
had been so nervous in his life.
“Ryan and I had known each other for about four years. He was one of the few
people who ever really was honest about everything. He once claimed he would die for
me. In the words of Maynard James Keenan, “You claimed all this time that you would
die for me. Why then are you so surprised when hear your own eulogy?” I know he
would be shocked and surprised based on the look on his face when he passed away.
“Ryan was a lot of things. He was a song writer, a student, a guitarist, a band
member, a good friend. Most of all he was himself. He didn’t follow many trends. He
stood out in the crowd because he tried not to. He would do anything if it made him feel
good. In a world were for teens fashion and trends are everything and individuality is
nothing, he was a breath of fresh air.
“But apparently someone didn’t see it that way. Someone saw an opportunity to
take something away from someone that could never be given back. Someone saw the
opportunity to take Ryan’s life. This inhuman creature is still on the loose. That thought
fills me with rage and aggression.
“The same rage and aggression that Ryan had in a lot of things he did. His music.
His school work. The way he acted. He was never afraid of confrontation and things like
that. As I said earlier, he was a very honest guy.
“With that said I’m ending by giving my apologize to the family and friends of the
victim. I hope the police catch the person who is responsible for this tragic event real
soon. Ryan was amazing and I’m really sad to see him gone.”
Silence. No one uttered a word from the time it took Josh to get back to his chair.
The priest spoke again, “Thank you Josh. That was a good speech. It really brought
Ryan back in our memory.” A period of time passed. The funeral got over.
Josh was heading to his car when Jay and Brad came up to him. “Very good
speech, Josh,” said Brad.
“I think I would rather have him back then have given that speech,” Josh replied.
Jay looked up and said, “I think we would all rather have him back the have heard
you say that.”
“Yep,” Brad said. “Would we be able to get a ride home with you?”
“Yea. Get in.” Josh answered. They all got in the car. Jay and Brad sat in back.
They drove for about five minutes with out a word spoken. Brad broke the
silence. “Josh?”
“Yes,” he said.
“You know how we were talking about going out immediately and getting a lead
replacement?”
“Yea.”
“Jay and I were talking and we don’t really think we should do that.”
Josh was puzzled. “Why? I’m not good enough to play lead and even if was I
would do a shity job at either singing or playing guitar cause I have a hard enough time
concentrating as it is. Or was.”
Jay spoke up. “What we are trying to say is we think Spawned died with Ryan.”
“We want to end the band in respect of Ryan,” Brad said.
“You want to end the band?!” Josh yelled, “And what is that suppose to mean
‘Spawned died with Ryan?’”
“It will never be the same,” said Brad. “Like Rage without de la Roacha. You
murdered Spawned in a way.” Jay hit Brad
Josh pulled over. “Did you say I murdered Spawned?” Brad nodded. “You think
I murdered Ryan?”
“Jay and I were talking about it and that was kind of what we concluded,” Brad
said nervously.
Josh looked at Jay. “You too? My friend for four years. Ryan’s friend for four
years! You know I would never kill anyone especially you or Ryan!” Josh was furious.
“Both of you, get out of my car.”
“Josh,” Jay said. “Come on.”
“Get the fuck out of my car!” Josh yelled. They left the car. Josh was full of
rage. He grabbed a tape and stuck it in his tape deck. Deftones. “Be Quiet and Drive
(Far Away).” That’s what he did.

Journal Entry Number Five
11-6-01
My own friends think I killed Ryan. What kind of shit is that? Seriously. They
should be siding with. I fucking hat this shit about Ryan’s murder. With all this death and
destruction it makes me think life’s not worth it. I just can’t take it. This is the dark night
of my soul. I’m sorry. I have to do this. Just please don’t worry about me. I’ve looked
death in the eyes once and I will do it again. You will understand when you’re going to
die. But this is it.
Goodbye.
Five
He was threw. He entered his home. There was a drastic change of weather. It
was now raining a bit. It just made him feel sorry for Jay and Brad. Josh sat in his room
and wrote. He had Stabbing Westward’s Darkest Days playing. He wrote for a while.
“... hate this shit...”
“... not worth it...”
“... I’m sorry...”
“... don’t worry...”
“... when your going to die.”
Josh grabbed his journal and went to his kitchen. He placed it to the last page. He
had suddenly realized that his parents weren’t home. He figured this was a good think.
That will make it easier.
He dimmed the lights in the kitchen. He pulled out a chair and a knife. He sat in
the chair. He leaned the dull end of the blade against his nose and forehead, vertically.
He teared up a little bit. There was a bolt of lightning followed by a crack of thunder.
“Why...” Josh said, “Why...”
He put the knife down and wrote one more word at the bottom of the page.
“Goodbye.”
Josh picked up the knife and leaned it up against his throat. “Goodbye,” he said.
Ding-dong.
The door bell. “Oh god,” Josh said putting the knife down. He stood up. “I could
be dead right now.”
Ding-dong.
He ran to the door expecting to find either Jay or Brad, if not both. But instead he
opened it and found.. “Police,” an author said. There was two other officers with him.
“Oh shit,” Josh replied
“You are under arrest for the murder of Ryan Draven,” the officer continued.
“No!” Josh said. “I didn’t fucking do it!” he yelled. He tried to get away. Josh ran
into the kitchen.
“Mr. Reznor, if you would just calm down this will be a whole lot easier on both of
us.”
All three of the officers started heading toward the kitchen. Josh tried leaving the
house threw the deck door but an officer grabbed him and slammed him onto the kitchen
counter. Josh reached over to grab the knife he was about to kill him self with for a form
of defense. He swung around and stabbed an officer in the arm.
“Get him!” the officer yelled in pain.
Another officer removed his gun and aimed at Josh who still had the knife. “Put
the knife down,” said the officer. Josh shook his head no. “Put it down!” repeated the
officer only louder. Seconds went by. The officer aimed down and shot Josh in the leg.
“Fuck!” Josh screamed in pain.
At that very moment Josh’s parents entered threw the front door. “What’s going
on?” his mother asked.
The officer who shot Josh was now handcuffing him. “You have the right to
remain silent,” he said.
“What’s going on?” she repeated.
The third officer who hadn’t said anything yet spoke up. “We have a warrant for
your sons arrest on the charge of murder,” he explained.
“Oh my god,” Josh’s mother said while his father stood silent.
Josh’s rights were finish being read to him. He was then rushed to the hospital
where he was treated for the gunshot wound to his leg. He was then sent to prison.

Final Journal Entries
11-20-2001
Well I’m in jail. What a lovely thought. This place is kind of creepy. Most people
I have no clue why they are here and many of them I don’t want to. This place is really
strange and I think will be doing strange things to me in the future.
One strange thing it has done is made me keep writing. I mean when I heard about
this journal we had to do for English 11 I hated the idea. I have never been good with
personal thought and think I never will be. But I keep writing. Even though I vowed that
as soon as I got out of that class I would stop because it’s so stupid to keep a journal, I
keep writing. I know I will never turn it in to get the final grade. And I also have no clue
why I’m still writing. It may be my only outlet from the inhuman things that happen in
here. It may be just to keep my sanity. It may be this is all I have left.

11-22-2001
Thanksgiving day. One of my favorite days of the year. And where am I? Jail.
That fucking sucks. This seems like it’s going to be a long time before the trial. I am
pleading guilty to attempted second degree murder and resisting arrest. But no way am I
going to plead guilty to first degree. My lawyer thinks I should. He believes it will help
reduce my sentence. Look how much hope he has. Why did my parents get this loser.
He is such a bad lawyer. I don’t think my parents like me or something and this is there
way of showing it. They can burn in hell. Happy Thanksgiving my ass.

12-26-2001
My parents posted bail on me for Christmas. I thought this was a good thing.
Until I spent Christmas with my relatives. “What’s it like in jail?” “Why did you do it?”
“Are you anyone’s bitch yet?” Yes. I was asked if I’m anyone’s bitch yet. My damn
cosines have seen Half Baked one too many times. My relatives didn’t get me anything
cause they didn’t think I would be making it to this years Christmas. I wish I didn’t.

1-3-2002
Well I am back in my cell. Home sweet home. I’m wondering if I should attempt
a Timothy McVeigh and try hanging my self with my underwear. I’ve had so many
suicidal thoughts. This is just hell. Seeing prison life is enough to make me never do
anything wrong again. It is so wretched in here.
Today is the one year anniversary of me starting at Hot Spot. Also the one year
anniversary of me meeting Kalie. God I miss her. Last time I talked to her was back
when I was writing the eulogy. God I pissed her off that day. I don’t want to say she
deserved it but I just wasn’t in the mood that day.
I need some sleep.

3-6-2002
I haven’t written in here a while because I’ve had nothing of importance to write.
But now I somewhat do. It looks like my trial will be starting any time now. I question
that this will happen but this is what my lawyer has been telling me. Let’s just hope it
goes over well.
My lawyer has shown me some of the stuff that he will be doing and presenting
during the trial. I don’t think his case is good enough but he’s all my parents can truly
afford. I see a lot of jail time a head of me.

3-21-2002
Know this isn’t right. The trial looks like it’s being healed off for longer because a
witness has come forward. You’ll never guess who it is. Jenny. Ryan’s ex-girlfriend.
Unbelievable if you ask me. I mean why would it take so long for some one to come
forward. It’s been five months. I don’t believe her at all. She may have been there but
she didn’t witness the murder.
My lawyer know says he has no hope at saving me at all. He even thinks so. I
never thought he had hope in saving me in the first place. He seems shocked by this
witness’ account of the murder. I think my lawyer thinks I actually murdered Ryan. I
hate him so much and would fire him if I could.

4-28-2002
Mr. Copple came to visit me today. I found that kind of odd. He is one of the last
people I expected to see here. He asked to read my journal. I gave it to him and he just
flipped threw it and kind of skimmed the pages. I really don’t think he read much. He
was saying something about having it published. Kind of a Diary of Anne Frank thing only
this time have it about a kid on trial.
I really don’t think I would like people all around the world to read this. There are
very personal things in it. I’m not going to say no right away because this may be a good
thing to release. It may help clear my name. That’s one of the reasons Mr. Copple wants
to release it. He believes me when I say that I’m innocent. Or he says he does. He just be
looking to cash in on my misery. I don’t know why he would but who knows? I should
just consider it.

5-1-2002
Well they have a date for the trial! On June 21st my doomsday begins. I think this
will lead to the end me. I don’t know why. “I’m seeing tunnel vision in a world that’s
dark and cold” as TapRoot said.
What I mean by that is that I’m only seeing what’s in front of me. As if I was
predicting the future or something.

6-3-2002
I lost this journal for a while and just found it. Turned out my inmate at the time
hid it from me. Punk bastard. Well we’re within a month of the trial and I couldn’t be
more frightened. This isn’t going to be the best thing that will ever happen to me. I’m
having suicidal thoughts again. I just want to end it all. WHY MUST MY LIFE BE SO
COMPLICATED!!! I just hope this lawyer isn’t as crappie as I think he is

6-14-2002
A week from today is the trial. I’m so scared. Just about every one I know is
going to be there. I was told that Jay and Brad will be. I think I even heard that Kalie will
be too.
Speaking of Jay and Brad I heard they have started a new band. I hope they get
further then Spawned did. If they ever read this best of luck to you both.
Mr. Copple came in to visit me again. He talked more about the journal but it
seemed his main reason of being there was talk to me about the trial. He will be attending
it too. I think he may be the only person who thinks I’m telling the truth. I even think he
would be a better lawyer then the one I have.
Lastly I attempted it. It was painful. My inmate of course stopped me from
succeeding though. He called a guard down to help. I wish he would never had been
there. I wish I had succeeded.

6-20-2002
Tomorrow is the beginning of the end. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’ve
never been to a court case. With all the speeding tickets I’ve gotten it’s amazing for me to
say that but it’s true.
My lawyer promises to try his best but I question if that will even be good enough.
I dought it. I should have more faith in him. If he had only have had a victory before
taking on my case I would believe him.
This may be my last entry in this journal. I don’t think I want to keep it anymore.
I keep going back and reading my painful memories. I have vivid memories of all the
events. The pain in my back from the syringe. The doctor saying “HIV positive.” The
manager saying “Your fired.” The murder. The arrest. All of these haunt me. I wish I
could get these memories out of my head. But I can’t. With that said
Goodbye.

Six (An Epilogue)
Many months later Josh’s trial went under way. He was being tried as an adult for
one count of first degree murder, Ryan, one count of attempted second degree murder, the
officer he stabbed, and one count of resisting arrest. He felt all during his trial that he
would be convicted of all charges. He pleaded guilty for the charge of attempted second
degree murder and resisting arrest and not guilty to first degree murder.
Josh’s parents could only afford a lawyer who had only a few court cases done let
alone many victories. This made Josh even more worried. The two counts he pleaded
guilty for gave him a total of four years of prison time. Josh’s biggest fear was the first
degree murder. He was being tried as an adult which meant he could be sentenced to life.
The trial only lasted for two weeks. There didn’t seem to be much of a case
against him. Then again there didn’t seem like much of a case for him either. And with a
lawyer with very little experience this made it more difficult.
All the evidence was presented. Every witness had taken the oath and the stand.
The two sides had presented there cases. The jury had made there virdict.
The jury re-entered the room on July fifth, 2002 after deliberating for several
hours. Everyone stood to hear what they had decided as Josh Reznor’s future will hold in
store for him. “We find Josh Reznor guilty of one count of resisting arrest,” started one of
the jury members, “ one count of attempted second degree murder and guilty of first
degree murder.”
Josh lowered his head. A tear came from each eye. His lawyer patted him on the
shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he said, “I did my best.”
Josh just looked at him. “If you did your best I wouldn’t have the word
manslaughter come to peoples mind when they hear my name.”

Josh was sent to prison. His parents visited him frequently. They remained with
the opinion that he wasn’t guilty. They defended his name when people put him down.
But they didn’t do it because they wanted to. They did it so the people putting Josh down
wouldn’t look down on his parents for raising a killer.

Another person who would visit Josh frequently in prison was Mr. Copple, his
English 11 teacher. The first time Josh saw him there he was shocked. Mr. Copple
believed Josh’s story more then anyone. Mainly because he had read Josh’s journal. He in
fact believed that if they had it published it may help clear his name. After many visits
Josh finally agreed to have it published. It took Mr. Copple several months to find a
publisher that was interested. He found a small book company who could only make a
small printing of the journal. It didn’t have the effect that Mr. Copple had hopped.

Jay and Brad where at the trial when Josh was convicted. They thought they
should visit him in prison but never did. They had officially made the decision to disband
Spawned. They formed there own music project called The Fifth of July. It refereed to
the date of conviction of there good friend. They became locally famous, mainly because
they were members of a band that Josh was in. After two independent albums they got
sick of touring and seeing each other every day so they also disbanded. Neither one of
them had talked to Josh sense the trial. Neither one would.

Kalie went on with her life trying to forget of Josh. She didn’t ever speak with
him. She thought that he had killed Ryan out of being still frustrated over there break up.
Kalie tried pro skating. She didn’t get to far. After failing time after time she fell into the
world of cocaine. She was watching the news one day while getting ready to take a hit
when she hear a report about new information in Josh’s murder trial. She was in total
shock and upped the dose so high that she overdose. Her body was discovered several
days later.

The shocking news that lead to the end of Kalie’s life was the real killer came
forward. She was angry over something that happened between her and Ryan. She didn’t
intentionally frame Josh. It just fell into place. On June 19th, 2004 Jenny came forward
off of a guilt trip. They had a retrial. She was convicted. Josh was to be released but he
still had just over two year on his convictions on resisting arrest on attempted second
degree murder. Jenny got life in prison. She couldn’t really handle it with many other
inmates. They took something from her she took from someone else once. Her life.

As for Josh. He was relived that his sentence was reduced. He wasn’t too happy
with the result of his journal being released. When he realized how important life is. He
decided never to give anymore serious consideration to suicide. He even started reading
the bible with great interest. He started to believe in God again despite he knew all of his
previous thoughts about the topic are still good arguments.
To his unfourtain in May of 2005 his case of HIV had turned to the worse and
formed into AIDS. He knew his life was about to end. He wanted to spend every spare
moment looking back at what his life was like and how he got to his current situation. He
wished that he never went to the Slipknot concert way back in 2001. He linked every
thing that went wrong to that one fateful night. On May 15th, 2005 Josh new his time
was up. With that thought and the thought he may be seeing Kalie in a matter of moments
he took one last deep breath.