I Saw You Today

I saw you today.
I saw you when I was walking out to my bus after the day’s last bell had rung.
My sister said she had seen you and I immediately took off.
Half of me wanted to say hi and half of me wanted to break your nose for all the ways you ruined me.
Neither won over.
I saw you just a few yards away from me.
I saw you with a girl.
I saw you and you saw me soon enough.
Our eyes connected just before your lips and hers did.
It wasn’t heartbreaking— I know that you’ve moved on and we’re no longer together— but rather stomach shattering, I suppose.
It felt like the bitter acid from my stomach was leaking out, burning a hole through me with envy and rage.
Half of me wanted to walk away to get on my bus and half of me wanted to tear her away from you by her hair to kiss you myself.
Neither won over.
I just stood there, pathetically watching you do to her as you used to do to me.
I couldn’t move, afraid that any little movement would set you off and cause you to run away.
I couldn’t afford to let you run without getting a good look at you.
It’s been over a year since I last saw you and you hadn’t changed much, but god have you changed.
Your hair used to be long, but never past your shoulders.
I wanted to laugh and walk over, tangling my hands in it to calm myself down after a day of rushing around to find my rooms and answering questions wrong.
That was her job now, though, so I held myself back.
You broke away from her after a good fifteen seconds.
Even though my brain knew it was only fifteen seconds, it felt like centuries in my heart.
I laced my fingers tightly onto the straps of my backpack, held my head high, and started walking past you as you walked past me, your… friend… going to her bus.
I only look at you after you’ve passed, when your flannel is almost at the end of the sidewalk.
I walk back, not for you, but for my bus.
I wish I were walking back for you.
Getting on my bus, it finally hit me why seeing you was taking such a toll on me.
I saw you today.
And I was slapped with the realization that I still longed for you.
I can’t wait to feel that sting again.