Thinking of You

THINKING OF YOU

One, two, three, four, five, six...

Counting the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling in my room was just a way to keep myself away from thoughts of him. But not unlike every other time, it doesn't work.

I just can't help but wonder, how it is possible for someone to think of another person so often? Lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling, my thoughts would somehow just find their way to him. Every time.

How many times have I told myself, that there's no use harbouring that little sliver of hope.

How many times have I told myself, that he will never look at me the way I look at him.

How many times have I told myself, that this endless pining for him is a waste of time, because he already has feelings for another girl.

All these facts, I had repeated them to myself over and over again, for countless number of times.

Yet, I still hope. Every night before I sleep, his face pops up in my head. Every time I see him online on Facebook, there's that flash of indescribable feeling that I experience.

What would it feel like to actually have a boyfriend? To actually be in love?

What are all these feelings that I have for him? Why can't I just get rid of them? Why, after two long years, can't they just... go... away?

Lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling, I didn't even notice that my face was already wet with tears until I reached up to brush a strand of my hair away from my face. It's only been a week, and I was missing him already. What is there of him for me to miss? I never knew him that well. I never actually talked to him. He was nothing but a presence in my life, a presence that I just paid more attention to. Why do have to feel like this?

Counting the glowing stars on my ceiling.

...seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven...