Truly, Madly, Deeply

You'd think I'd regret those 4 years of meaningless chasing but I suppose that cliche of "everything happens for a reason" fits my situation. I'm not quite sure whether chasing really is the word, waiting seems more appropriate. Waiting to be wanted, waiting to be loved, waiting for him.

I guess I never really experienced true love, I kidded myself thinking I had, surrounded myself with the comforting thought that I was cherished. It's rather amusing actually, to think I was that delusional to think a boy like him could devote himself to a girl like me. A girl who put every tiny minuscule of effort into what I called a relationship, a girl who devoted every segment of her heart to a nasty, controlling and possessive piece of work.

Sometimes it's not the letting go of someone that hurts its letting go of the idea that you loved them.
Happiness is overrated and love is a myth, things that should not have to be desirable things that should be poisonous curses abolished from the human anatomy. it hurts yeah, I won't lie, but not half as much as it hurts to bury the dead corpse I called my soul mate - burying a person who is still very much alive and yet extinguished from my life. Like a dimming candle wick flickering aimlessly.

I knew one day I'd feel it too. I would wake up one morning and without even a spectacle of knowledge that I, me, was over him.

And then my world came crashing down again. He who I thought I had forgotten sprang back into my life. The worst of the worst happened...
The mother-like figure I was once so dependent on had died, my heart shattered all over again. She was his only role model, his life line, his mother, the pain he felt I couldn't imagine. Not one tear was shed that day when he broke down to me, that sole conversation opened a whole new feeling and beginning for me and my guilty love. The strength it must have taken to fumble those words out of his mouth is unimaginable, it banished all feelings of hate towards him and the broken smile he gave me produced only pity and remorse. No love. No longing lust. Nothing. Just pity.

Friends, we agreed to be associates not by choice but by the events that had caused such heart ache shown that you should value those who are or once were in your life. But friends can't love each other the way I still love him. Although I choose to not feel it anymore the reckless hole in my heart is still very much an open wound I just fill it with temporary happiness which I suppose he must do the same. She must help, I don't know nor do I want to know if he loves her, he will never love anyone as much as he loved me but she contributes to his healing. As much as it destroys me to say so but I'm happy for him. The only thing that could be worse than him having her would be if he had to be alone, like me, surrounded by people yet so alone.

It's rather strange, but regardless of how hard both him and I try to extinguish each other from our lives and erase the memories until we're strangers it's as if a force drags us back together again. I cannot, I will not destroy his happiness or stand in the way of it, if he is happier without me then there's no more I could ask for. I just have so many unanswered questions so much closure I still long for, but wondering isn't going to help me move on. I'm still stuck in the past, 7 months down the line and he is still a huge part of me a part that I wish wasn't just memories. Something tells me we will find our way back to each other, be it months or even years from now I sense I will be in his arms again and stronger than ever. Once upon a time we were unbreakable and everyone around me refers to that boy as mine even though in reality he isn't. My heart still belongs to him. And that is what is so sad, because his heart doesn't belong to me it belongs to someone who is the opposite of what he once loved so much about me.

So, when you finally witness that dreaded scene it’s the most heart shattering pain you could encounter. What do you do? Do you raise your head and pretend you haven’t even acknowledged him or do you show him you still very much care about that manipulative soul sucking demon? Well I did neither, I broke into a million pieces, the very thing I assured myself I wouldn’t do. The false smile I so pretentiously extorted onto my face cracked and the fraudulent happiness abandoned me just as it did when he left with my heart crushed in his palms. That raw feeling of my heart throbbing in my chest antagonised the delusive thought that I was over him. It’s purely incredible how someone can make your heart race and stop all in the same moment, how they can break you so damn easily with just a blink. Hate isn’t strong enough for him, hate is what he wants and something I can’t give him, because I don’t hate him, I am truly, madly and deeply in love with him and he is truly, madly and deeply in love with her.