Never the Same Person Twice

I wake up angry. I want to see the world burn. I hate everyone and everything. I rise from my bed, stumble into the bathroom and look myself in the mirror. Who is this stranger staring back at me? Who is this person who was someone completely different the day before?

I hate that person. I hate the way he looks back at me with the eyes that know I can't hide. I hate the way he makes me feel because I know he is in control of me. I hate the way I know what he is thinking. Most of all I hate the way I feel.

I grasp the edge of the sink and force the anger down. I know there is no reason to feel the way I do. I know that that the anger is just the product of a broken mind. It doesn't assuage anything. It can't assuage anything. I might know the reason for everything I do but that never stops me from feeling the way I feel.

I let go of the sink. I don't feel angry anymore. I feel a sense of darkness descending over me. I welcome that lack of light. I long for the feeling deep in my soul of exquisite agony. Pain so deep that eventually I can finally stop feeling, if even only for a brief eternity of a single moment. I welcome the darkness.

Just as soon as the darkness arrives it is banished. I feel the sun burst inside me and a new life seems to spring into my body. I feel younger, healthier, stronger. I feel like I can conquer the world. I make frenzied plans to finally do something amazing with my life. I finally see the truth behind everything and I know that this time they will listen.

Then it fades, that feeling of strength of purpose. I now feel helpless, alone, scared. I want to cry out and be comforted. I want to know that I am loved because right now that person staring back at me tells me that no one can love me. He laughs at me and tells me how pathetic I am for needing other people. His face contorts into a visage of scorn and disgust at my weakness. I am so afraid of him but I can't ever escape him.

I won't let him beat me this time, I won't!

I dig inside myself. I find the secret box I hide myself in and I cram myself into it. I close the lid and sit in the darkness. I don't have to be scared here. I don't have to feel here. I don't have to need anyone. Most of all he can't reach me here no matter how much he despises me. Then I hear him laugh. I feel his fist clutch my heart and tear it out. He howls in victory over my defeat and I fall.

I fall forever. I don't know if I will land or keep falling. I only know that I am alone as the darkness screams at me. I search for hope, any sign of light. I search for some sign that this will end. There is nothing to find. The only thing with me are the screams. My screams. The screams of a little boy left alone in the world by his mother. The screams of a young man as he feels the pain of heart break for the first time. The screams of a man as he sits alone in a cold cell with only his mind to keep him company.

I land. At first the landing jars me and sends shock waves of confusion through me. I test the new ground. It seems firm. I take a step and again I see the mirror. This time the man I look at seems at peace. He seems as though he has found balance and strength. I love that man. I want to be that man. That man is my hero. He is everyone else's hero. He is a truly amazing person. He gives love and joy wherever he goes.

I ask him to love me and he looks at me with eyes filled with sorrow. "I can't" he whispers "That is beyond my power to give"

I shake my head "NO!" I scream at him. "You have to love me! You have to!"

My mind races as I search frantically for a way to force him to see that I am just as lovable as everyone else. I don't find any and sadly the man in the mirror turns away. I am left once again alone and wondering why I am never the same person twice...