Rebel, Rebel (Chapters 1-5)

Chapter 1
August 1999
         It was the first day of school; the proverbial worst day of the year (next to Christmas) in my opinion. Sure, I was loaded down with nice, new clothes (finally, all of my own choosing), and all the fixin's but that didn't really mean shit. I was only here because the state of Indiana mandated that I be here.
         At least it was my Senior year. I had already trudged my way most of the way through the bullshit that was more commonly known as the American high school system. To say I resented the education system was an understatement, but the irony of it was, I loved learning. I was actually heading to the school library at this very moment. After that, it was first period band class, and after that, I kind of forgot. Oh yeah, it was fourth year French somewhere in there too. I think I had English and...fuck if I remembered the other class. Chemistry? Yeah...chemistry. Ok, so maybe it wasn't bad. 3 out of 4 classes I actually gave a damn about. But that only meant next semester would be all shit classes. Here's to making the best of it.
         I had my headphones on, disregarding the administrator I passed that I could tell was yelling at me to take them off. Whatever. I had 20 minutes before class. I needed my music to jolt me through the morning. I was not a morning person, to say the least. I had a cup of coffee with me, but that was it. I'd make it, somehow, until lunch.
         I got to the library, and dropped my beat-up denim book bag, covered in band patches and buttons, on the table, running my fingers through my curly brown hair. I was wearing a pair of ripped up jeans, black Doc Martens, a black t-shirt with the neck band cut off, a black tank underneath, just to placate the powers that be, and my favorite black leather jacket. My hair fell to just past my shoulders, and had a mind of its own. Normally, I slathered my face in makeup (a fact I proudly admit), complete with tons of black eyeliner and mascara, and usually black or red lipstick. Some would say my build is fat, others would say curvy, others would say a little extra to hold on to. Whatever you called it, I was painfully aware that my physique didn't match that of the majority of the girls in this school, or the constant barrage of messages I received about what I "should" look like.
         Shit...here I am going on and on, and I haven't really told you about me.
         My name's Eudoxia (You-doe-shuh) Brandenburg. My dad was going through this Roman history phase when mom found out she was pregnant. Story is I was named after a lesser known Empress. I'm a few months off of turning 18, and I have an after-school job in a locally owned coffee shop. I have been a drummer for about 6 years by now. Some friends of mine, Alice Poynter, Rose Steinmetz, and Valentina Espinoza, were starting a band. Well we started it a while ago, but this summer we finally played a few shows. We're hoping we get to play another show or 2 before Christmas. We'll see. Alice was our singer, Rose is our bassist, and Valentina is our guitarist.
         There's not much else to know. At least, not much more than I had mentioned. The rest I am sure will come out in time.
         Oh yeah...there's my family--"Family"--to talk about.
         I'm the oldest of 2, and unfortunately, my parents are still married. Dad works for a major local life insurance and financial company, as one of the higher ups in the food chain, and my mom is a homemaker (read: washed up trophy wife). My brother, Sean, is 3 years younger...and a royal pain in my ass (but I love the kid just the same). And that's all the more I am going to say, for now. Like I said, I am sure more will come out later. I'll just leave this with saying, we aren't the fucking Brady Bunch, even if we do live in the suburbs.
         So anyway, back to my school day. I was keeping to myself, reading. I wasn't really excited about the impending year. I was one of the only concert band students who didn't do marching band. I suffered through that for 2 years, and then decided I wanted a job instead, so I knew I would catch crap for that. I wasn't ready to hear it. I had enough of the band kid drama that honestly it wasn't worth trying to keep up with the extracurricular activity. But in their corner of the world, it was the worthiest of pursuits. So joy to that. After that, I double checked my schedule card, and it was my English class, which I am sure would be at least ok, since it was an Honor's class. Then, I had my Chemistry class, which would be hell, and then last would be French. That, I genuinely looked forward to. I had the same teacher my first 3 years, and knew what to expect. French and Band were the only classes I actually cared about.
         "Hey you!" I heard a voice say over my music. I took my head phones off, and looked up, Alice smiling in front of me. I smiled back. Alice was tall, and naturally thin, with straight blonde hair, and bright blue eyes. She had a smile that lit up a room, and was about as stubborn and opinionated as me.
         "Lucky you didn't scare me, this time," I said.
         "Damn, have to try harder," she joked, sitting down across the table from me. "Seriously though, I'm not bothering you, am I?"
         "Nah...feudal Russia can wait," I answered, referencing the books I had out.
         "Sounds thrilling," she said.
         "Kind of is...since it's something I'm reading on my own. Haven't been here long enough to get bludgeoned over head with some skull drudgery yet."
         "This is true," Alice answered, "so, since I know I won't see you 'til lunch, we hanging out after school?"
         "Sure, why not...not like my parents are going to really be around much or notice if I'm late. Besides, they're probably going to be fighting anyway."
         "It's not that bad, Doshi," Alice said, using my nickname. She always got to me, with how she said it. I looked at her.
         "Were you not at my house at all this summer?" I asked. She sighed.
         "Ok maybe it is but...don't be like that about it. You still have Sean to look after."
         "I know I do, but that is just more fodder for the canon of reasons I can't stand my own parents."
         "Hey this year, and we're on our own for college, right?" she said.
         "Yeah I guess," I answered, "at least my dad makes enough I could go just about anywhere I wanted."
         "Exactly, even if you stay here in town, it isn't hopeless."
         I opened my mouth to answer, but the 5 minute bell rang. I smiled and shrugged, grabbing my book-bag.
         "We'll just finish this conversation later," I said.
         "At your place," she said. I nodded.
         "Yep, my place."
         "Good. Want me to walk with you to class?"
         "Aren't you on the other end of the building?" I asked.
         "I am but who cares. Tardies don't count today," she replied. I smiled.
         "Oh yeah, that's right," I said, "sure, come with me."
         "Awesome," Alice said as we walked off to the band room together.
         I was beginning to think that maybe today wasn't such a bad day after all.








Chapter 2
         The first half of the day went quickly, thankfully, and Chemistry was split in half by having B Lunch. I was thankful I had lunch with all the girls this semester (it's the small things, right?). Gave us time to talk music stuff, as well as just shoot the shit for a while.
         We had decided to take this week off from practicing, just because we knew we'd need the break. Even yet, Alice and I were still wanting to hang out. We at least had Chemistry together, so we figured maybe we could have a homework group together (in other words, copy the smart kid's answers).
         I guess I should tell you more about the girls, considering they were more like family to me than my actual family is.
         I already told you a bit about Alice. She's the athlete of the team. She plays basketball in the winter, and softball in the spring. And she's an incredible singer. Her parents had put her into vocal and dance lessons as a kid, and she had grown up dancing ballet and singing classical music. It wasn't until she met my ass in 8th grade that she chose Bikini Kill over the Magic Flute. She still did dance though, appearing in a local production of the Nutcracker ballet most years. The years she had taken off, were the years her grades had struggled the most. She had ditched choir about the same time I ditched marching band, but she kept up her voice lessons, just as I had kept up on my drum lessons.
         Rose was our "hippie" as I called her. She had a Jim Morrison poster on her bedroom door, and insisted on wearing flowing skirts, sandals, and Baja hoodies. She played bass officially, but was a mean guitar player too. She was quite literally the person you find sitting in a circle outside of the school in the morning, her kinky, curly blonde hair blowing in the wind, and the sun sparkling in her bright green eyes, strumming away at some song that made her protest to the world sound light and cheery. As for the band, she wrote a lot of our music. The lyrics were generally mine, but she and I ended up collaborating more I think than I did with anyone else in the band. We've become extremely close as artists, and as friends.
         Last, but certainly not least, is Valentina. Her family had come up from Mexico when she was quite young. She had lived most of her life here in Indiana, but her family couldn't be more true to their heritage. She had grown up speaking Spanish at home, and didn't really learn English until she started school. Her mom was an amazing cook that I was pretty sure made me gain 10 pounds whenever I went over for dinner. But anyway, I had always thought her to be quite pretty, with long, sleek black hair, piercing brown eyes, and copper colored skin that seemed to be flawless. And she seemed oblivious to the fact she turned heads everywhere she went.
         Compared to the rest of us, who had been somehow involved in music and performing for a long time, Valentina had just recently gotten into it. Freshman year, she decided to pick up a guitar. I begged my dad to lend me the money to at least help her buy one. He finally relented, and she and I hit a pawn shop down town where she got her first guitar, bright and early one Sunday morning.
         "Hey, earth to Doshi," I heard Alice say. I snapped back to reality, looked over at her and smiled.
         "Hey sorry, I zoned out."
         "Pretty much normal for you," she answered. "There's a party going down Friday night to celebrate the end of the first week of school. It's at some preppy kid's place, but it sounds promising. You in?"
         "Why the hell not?" I said, "enough people are there, we won't look like posers."
         "Good point," Rose said. I smiled.
         "I usually know what I'm talking about," I replied. Rose laughed.
         "You're so humble too."
         "I know."
         Lunch ended way too fast, and we had to all head back to class. Alice and I were hanging back some, and talking amongst ourselves.
         "I heard Liam was going to be at this party, too," she said. I blinked, and swallowed a lump in my throat.
         "Are you trying to give me more of a reason to go, or to stay home?" I asked. Alice smiled.
         "Come on, everyone knows you still carry a torch for him, no matter what you say."
         "Yeah well, a girl has to try," I said.
         Liam Walsh was my on--again--off--again boyfriend since...well god...since 8th grade really. It was puppy love back then. Innocent and cute. That whole summer before high school was the first hiccup, when I was in band. I had no time for anything else, and it just disintegrated. I mean we were 14...what did you expect? Those relationships aren't supposed to hold a lot of weight. We didn't know how to.
         But, by my birthday Freshman year (November, if you were wondering), we ended up at a party together, and next thing I knew we were in a closet making out. That was where the roller coaster started. The longest I think we had managed to stay together was 4 months, in one go. Right now, we were off, but that was only as of a month ago. Funny thing was, I had never actually slept with him. Not that it hadn't come close, but some reason or another, we never made it to that point.
         Liam was hard to shake, for a lot of reasons. I had never bought into the macho, chauvinist, man whore types. Even if they weren't terrible, but still "typical" guys (football game on Sundays, working out, TVs set to ESPN, always having to prove how strong they were to their friends), I wasn't interested. And this school was CRAWLING with them. So finding anyone who was even remotely attractive was a task in and of itself. Enter Liam, stage right.
He was an artist, which was the first thing that attracted my attention (8th grade math class, he was drawing instead of note taking). He was also a much more sensitive and emotional person, quiet, withdrawn, but smart as hell. He didn't even look like an average guy, with deep brown eyes, dyed his hair bright red and he kept it styled in an undercut, and had gold wire rimmed glasses. I guess at first the reason I kept crawling back is because I was desperate. I just hated being alone, and he was there. After a while, it turned into something else. Attraction. Love. Lust. A mix of all 3. I didn't really understand it myself, but I went with it. I guess I felt like I didn't need to understand it right now.
"I don't care what you say, don't think I didn't notice you doodling his initials on your chemistry notes," Alice said. I rolled my eyes.
"Shut it, Wonderland," I said.
"Love you too, Communist."
You know...the Brandenburg Gates? East Germany?
Anyway...
The rest of the class sucked, but French was fun. I love my teacher, and I knew I was one of her favorites. Mostly because I viewed the class as more than a grade. And that class was my one escape from the day, even if it was full of annoying Honors students, who couldn't remove their heads from their rectal areas long enough to actual grasp a concept, rather than worry about a test. Don't get me wrong, I was always happy to do well, but it was mind numbing to be around all of these...snobs. I didn't hate them...I just found them to be completely insufferable.
They were basically the type of people already, still in our teenaged years, that I wanted to be nothing like in my own life.
The last bell of the day finally rang, and I shot out of my desk chair like a bat out of hell. I took off down the hall for the parking lot. I had all my books and papers with me, so I didn't need to make a pit stop at my locker. Alice could meet me at my car.
When I got out there, she was already waiting, leaning against the door, playing with the ends of her hair. I smiled. If I had a camera, I probably would have taken a picture. It was a nice moment.
"Need a ride good lookin'?" I joked as I walked up to the car. Alice looked up at me, and smiled.
"Only if you're not charging," she answered.
"Please, I'm not THAT ugly," I joked back. We laughed as I got in and unlocked her door.
We made it to my house, and I tried to barge in as fast as I could, before mom heard me and made a scene, or before my little brother got home and could pester me and Alice. He liked to feel included. Thankfully our house was big enough it was possible. We got to my room and shut the door.
"Chemistry homework?" Alice asked, plopping herself down in a black bean bag chair.
"Until it pisses me off," I answered. Alice smirked.
"So chemistry homework for all of about...5 minutes?"
"Yeah probably," I said, "why do we even need to take these bullshit classes. I don't plan on ever using this after high school...but some politician in a suit determines I 'need' to take this class."
"Doshi...preaching to the choir."
"Still...it's pointless."
"I know, but if we wanna get the hell out of here, then we have to at least pass, if not do well."
"Yeah yeah..." I answered, knowing she was right. Love it or hate it, this was part of my key to a ticket out of this shit hole town.
We worked for a good hour or so, mostly silent unless one of us needed help, until we actually got it done. I still had French homework, but I wasn't too worried about it. Same with English. The perk of being a percussionist was during rehearsals we almost NEVER had to do anything, so I usually got my work done in the morning. I could manage that with the other classes I had.
"I think I am burned out," I said, shutting my book and flopping down on my bed.
"Yeah, you and me both," Alice replied, shutting her book as well. She got up, came over, and sat down next to me. "So, what now?"
"I don't know, you tell me, you're the smart one," I answered, sitting up, and crossing my legs. Alice smiled a bit.
"Please, you're as smart as they come," Alice answered. I shrugged.
"I guess your intelligence is easier to fit in with everyone else than mine is."
"You wouldn't be you if you did fit in with everyone else."
"I suppose you're right."

I looked up at Alice, and smiled a bit. She smiled back, brushing her hair behind her ear. It kind of struck me right then: She was really, really pretty.
And it wasn't just physically pretty, though she was, it was who she was that was so attractive to me. We had been close for a long time. Longer than I had known anyone else in the band. I hadn't met Rose and Valentina until we all got to high school.
Next thing I knew, neither of us said a word, we were simply leaning in closer to each other then, softly but sweetly, our lips met in a loving kiss. It grew deeper as we melted into each other, gently playing with each other's hair, and tangling our fingers together in a lose grasp. I'm not sure how long we stayed like that, until there was a knock on the door that scared us both. We both jumped as we were brought back to reality. We mumbled apologies, and sat up right before I yelled "Come in!" at the person on the other side. It was Sean.
"Hey Doshi, I was wondering if you wanted to play Twisted Metal with me?" he asked, before getting a good look at me and Alice.
"Sure, I'd love to," I said, "Alice and I just finished up our Chemistry homework not long ago."
"Awesome! I'll be downstairs!" he said, then looked at us again. "Why do you look like you do when Liam comes over?"
I was half embarrassed, and half trying not to bust out laughing at how he said that.
"I have no idea what you mean," I said to him. He looked confused but didn't say anything else.
"I'll go wait for you," he said.
"Be down in a minute," I said.
When he left, I looked back at Alice. She blushed and smiled, but wasn't sure how to act.
"Well, I um...better get going," she said.
"I'll walk you down to the front door," I said.

Our walk down was a quiet one, but oddly comfortable. I think we shocked ourselves with that moment, but it wasn't a bad thing.
"I'll see you in class tomorrow," Alice said at the door.
"See you tomorrow, be safe getting home," I replied.
"I always am," she said, walking out the door. I stood and waited until she got to the end of the block before I shut the door and headed to the game room.
"Sean! I'm gonna kick your ass!" I yelled as I ran down the stairs.















Chapter 3
I picked Alice up for school the next morning, and we acted like nothing ever happened. It was weird, but good. The last thing I needed was everything to be awkward with my best friend. We had rehearsals again soon anyway.
I was planning on skipping boring you with all the details of my day, but, one crucial thing happened I think you really need to hear about. Liam showed up.
I thought it was weird he was oddly quiet yesterday. I mean I didn't see him at all. But he came around today. We were all sitting at lunch, talking like normal. Even Alice and I were still seemingly fine (though, I have this haunting feeling that we'd be revisiting this). And then I saw him walk up.
It was this weird mix of dread and excitement all in one. The side of me that wanted to make out with him was bludgeoning the side of me that said stay away. And then there was this inkling of "What about Alice?" It was...weird. Usually when we were "off" it was...off. But this was different. It was off, but I could tell he didn't want it to be.
In a way, it wasn't a surprise. I had been the one to call it off. He had been way too much to handle this summer, what with his moods being up and down like they were. I mean, I loved him, sure, but...damn artists are hard to keep up with.
Then again, I wagered I wasn't any better, and maybe that's why we clashed so badly.
I wasn't even looking for him when I ran into him. Literally. I was taking the back way through the art hall, on my way out of school that day. I had turned to look behind me for whatever reason, when I collided with someone. As I fell back on the floor, I looked up, and there he was. My stomach flipped.
"Eudoxia?" He said, once he shook himself back to reality. He survived the fall.
"Ow, yeah, the hell Liam?" I asked, struggling to sit up and collect my things. He crouched down to help me pick things up. Normally I'd scowl at him and tell him I could do it, refusing the help, but I was too disoriented to think of that.
"Sorry, I wasn't paying attention."
"Nah, it's ok, neither was I," which, was true.
"You alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," I said as I struggled to get up. Liam offered his hand. I actually took it, this time.
"You sure you're ok, you're letting me help you with something," he said, smiling. I had to smile, and even blush a little bit.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, just don't go advertising that fact," I said.
"I won't, scouts honor," he replied.
"When the fuck were you in boy scouts?"
"You have a point," he said. "You got any plans after school?"
"No, I don't go back to work 'til this weekend," I said.
"Wanna go get something to eat? I'll meet you there. I got a car just before school started."
I used to have to give him rides everywhere. Mostly because he was saving to get a car all last school year. Looks like it paid off.
"Yeah, that sounds great," I answered, "Sandy's diner downtown? If we hurry we can get there before they close."
"Sandy's sounds great," he said, "See you there."
Sandy's was a local diner that had been around since the 40's. It was almost like a time capsule, being little more than the size of a trailer with a counter, barstools, and a grill. But it was a local legend. Everyone had to eat there at least once. Especially if you are nostalgic for an era you didn't grow up in.
I saw Liam's car parked when I got there, and went in. He had a spot in the corner saved for us. I squeezed my way around the other patrons and stools and plopped down next to him. I had to admit, it was nice seeing him again.
"So, how are you?" he asked, smiling as I sat down. I smiled back.
"Good actually, better now that I am out of that hell hole," I said. He laughed a bit.
"You never have been much for school."
"I fucking hate it, if that's what you mean."
"It's not so bad, you get to see your friends, and take a few decent classes."
"It's too structured for me. Like fuck dude, I just wanna read books, write poetry and music, and drink coffee."
"That sounds like you," he said "I can't say I disagree either, but, it's worth finding the good in. I mean if we have to suffer through this year, may as well find something worthwhile about it."
"I guess you're right."
"Besides, it's off to college next year. Then we get to leave all this shit behind."
"Now that, I can get behind," I said smiling.

"Hey kids, what can I get for you?" the lady behind the counter asked us.
"Coffee please, and biscuits and gravy," I said.
"And you?"
"Coke, with a garbage platter please," Liam said.
"You got it. Separate checks?"
I opened my mouth to say yes, but Liam beat me to the punch.
"No, one today, please," he answered. I sighed.
"Well, thanks," I said, "I didn't expect you to pay for me."
"I invited you out, figured it was a nice gesture."
"Well, thanks," I said.
We sat just chit chatting for a while, waiting on our meals. I think the subject of "us" was hanging in the air, but we weren't going to discuss it here. Not now. We needed more privacy. And that usually meant his place. His parents were divorced, and mom was in and out of prison. Dad had a good job, but kept all kinds of weird hours. So, I guess not much homework is getting done tonight.
We finished our meals, Liam paid the bill, and we headed out.
"So, your place or mine?" he asked, almost as a formality.
"Yours, I guess," I said with a shrug, trying to hide that I kind of liked the sound of this.
"Alright, I'll meet you there," he said, as we both headed off to our cars.
I got to his house, first, and waited in my car til he got there. Not 5 minutes later Liam showed up, and I got out as he parked in the driveway. I met him at his front door. I left my book-bag in the car.
We walked in in relative silence, and headed right up to his room. As I had guessed, his dad was gone. He seemed to pick up on what I was thinking, and smiled.
"Dad has a big international deal going on," he said, "he'll be home probably close to 9. You got nothing to worry about."
"Thanks," I said.
Liam pushed the door to his room open, and let me in first. I walked in, and sat down in his desk chair. He sat down on his bed, opposite from me. He let out a long sigh, as if he had been releasing all of his tension from the day in one instant. He looked over at me, smiled a bit, and stretched out.
"So...how was the end of your summer?" he asked.
"Alright," I replied, "How about yours."
"Decent," he answered. "Do anything fun?"
"My parents thought it would be a good idea to take a family vacation for the Fourth."
"Oh god, I bet that was a riot."
"You have NO idea. We were in this little lake town in Michigan, just outside of Chicago. I spent every night drunk in some shitty hole in the wall bar. Mom thought I caught a stomach bug when I woke up puking every day."
"She can't be that oblivious."
"She isn't, she just doesn't want to admit that I'm not her perfect daughter."
"That sounds about right for your mom."
"You got it," I said, "but anyway, what about you? Do anything fun this summer?"
"Not really," he said, "dad was way too busy to take a vacation this year, and mom was locked up back in February. So I worked all summer, so I could get my car."
"I don't know why your dad didn't just buy you one. Even a cheap one. I mean, my parents spent less than two grand on mine, paid off, and that's that. I just have to help pay the insurance on it, maintenance, all that."
"I guess he says it'll help me build character or whatever. But at least I got it, that's the important part."
"Yeah, I guess you're, right," I said.
We got quiet again. We were trying to make this work and it just...wasn't.
"Liam--"
"Doshi--"
We laughed, embarrassed that we caught each other at the same time.
"You first, Doshi," he said. I smiled.
"Thanks. Um...why did you even invite me over? Why were you even nice to me?"
"Because I care about you," he said, "It's been how long?"
"Yeah I know but...I was kind of an asshole to you."
I was too. I pretty much threw him out of my house, screaming and yelling and throwing shit at him as he ran. And I was pissed about his moods...
"Yeah, well, I had it coming. I had treated you pretty badly. I let everything that was going on at the time mess with me and took it out on you."
"You never did tell me what was going on."
"It was my mom...she was possibly going to be out on probation, and dad and I freaked. He actually wanted her out, so she and I could try and have some time before I started senior year. I told him I didn't give a shit less about her."
"Is that how you really feel about her?" I asked.
"I don't know, honestly," I said, "I'm just so numb to it anymore. She beat me when I was a kid, and then dad kicked her to the curb. Next thing I knew, she was in jail for drug possession. After that I just stopped caring. Then, it was like I might have a chance with her being around. But, what am I supposed to think? It's not like I ever had a relationship with her before."
"Hell, I don't blame you. My parents are both still around and still married to each other, and I am still miserable. Procreating doesn't make you a good parent. It just means you've passed on your DNA."
"Yeah I guess you're right," Liam said, "Thanks for listening. I guess if anyone would get what I mean, you do."
"Hey I have to be good for something, right?" I asked. Liam smiled.
"You're good for a lot," he answered.
"Am I?" I asked, getting up to go sit next to him.
"Always have been," he said, taking my hand as I sat down. I smiled, feeling my face flush.
"This has been...nice," I said.
"I can think of how to make it nicer," he said. I saw what he did there.
"Please, do tell."
"It's more of a show thing."
"Then, be my guest."
He leaned in, touching my cheek softly as he kissed me. I kissed him back, enjoying the familiarity and the rush of kissing him again. I moved in closer, wrapping my arms around him. He pulled me in even closer, pulling me onto his lap, straddling him.
The kisses kept getting deeper, and more frequent, his fingers tangling in my hair, and me pulling at his shirt (but I never got the courage to pull it completely off). He kissed his way down my neck, rubbing my thighs and hips while he did. I gasped softly, my body trembling while he did so. I started asking myself if maybe this were the moment...
Then we heard his bedroom door creaking open. To stunned to move, we held onto each other, and looked over, seeing Liam's dad in the doorway.
"Um...hi kids," he said, just about as embarrassed as we were, "Good to see you two have...made up."
"Hi Mr. Walsh," I said, "I was...um...just about to leave."
"It's alright, Eudoxia. I'm sure I'll see you again soon."
"For sure," I said. Mr. Walsh smiled, and shut the door behind him as he left.
"Well fuck that was awkward," Liam said. I laughed.
"Not to mention your boner was digging into my leg the entire time."
"Yeah...sorry about that," Liam said. We laughed.
"I had better get going," I answered, "my parents will wonder if I don't come home until super late."
"I get it," Liam answered, "Call me later?"
"I'll think about it," I said, playfully, getting up from his bed.
"Well don't think too hard," he said, "might strain a muscle."
"Fuck you dude," I said, laughing. Liam laughed too.
"Let me walk you out," he said.
"Thanks," I said.
We made small talk until we got to his front door.
"I'll see you tomorrow?" Liam asked.
"Definitely," I said, smiling. He leaned in, and kissed me quickly before I turned and walked out the front door. He stayed in the doorway until I was in my car and it started. I honked at him, as I shifted my car into gear and drove away.








Chapter 4
I got home that evening, after about an hour of driving around, thinking about things. I liked to drive out to the country, and get myself "lost" to think about things for a little bit. Liam always threw me for a loop, no matter what happened.
It was near 8 when I got in, and as soon as I did, I heard my mom shout across the house.
"And just WHERE have you been young lady?" She was in the kitchen from what I could tell.
"Out," was all I said, not giving her any details.
"You had us worried sick, not coming home after school and not calling to let us know where you were," she said. I rolled my eyes.
"I'm sure you were terrified for my safety," I said, my tone thick with sarcasm.
"Don't take that tone with me!" My mom answered. I shrugged. Whatever. I didn't care, or believe one ounce of it. I took my bags up to my room, dropped them in there, and then ran down to my dad's study.
My mom and I had never been close. We butt heads from the time I was little. Come to think of it, I butt heads frequently with both of my parents. But, my dad and I, on the other hand, got along well. Even if he was pretentious, and I sometimes felt like he sold out. But he said I reminded him a lot of himself at my age. I liked to think he meant that as a good thing.
"Hey dad," I said, flopping down on the leather couch he had in the room. He looked up from his work (He often brought it home with him, and worked well into the night), and smiled a bit at me.
"Well, look who decided to grace us with their presence," he said. I smiled back.
"Yeah, ended up being out and about after school, by surprise."
"Stay out of trouble?"
"...kind of?" I said.
"Kind of?"
"I went to Liam's."
"Ah, now I understand. Are you 2 back together again?"
"I don't know, maybe?"
"Doshi, I thought you were done with him for good, after what happened this summer."
Yeah I didn't tell you exactly why we were "off." I'll get to that.
"Space helps, I guess," I said.
"It can," my dad said, "but my guess is you aren't quite sure how you feel about that. If you were, you wouldn't be down here talking to me right now."
"Yeah, I guess you're right about that," I said.
"You know what I think about the situation."
"I need to 'leave the boys alone and focus on my music and my school. I have my whole life ahead of me, and I can't sacrifice my future for a boy.'"
"Do I really sound that nerve grating when I say it?"
"Truthfully? Yes." Dad laughed a bit.
"Well, I don't mean to, but I stand by what I say. You have a lot of potential, Eudoxia. Whatever you decide to choose, you will do well. But you have to focus."
"I know you're right, but it's not that easy," I said, "Liam and I have...grown up together. And we've been through a lot together."
"You have a valid point," my dad said, "but don't hinge your worth or your quality of life on having him. You're a strong person, Eudoxia. You can make it on your own."
"I know but..."
I stopped myself there. I already knew where this was going. My dad was going to try and talk me out of being with Liam...or anyone for that matter. It wasn't like he was one of those super strict all for his daughter being pure parents. I think deep down he had a hard time admitting his and my mom's marriage was a mistake, and his insistence on me focusing on my work, whatever that was, was a way to keep me from going down his same path.
And I get it. He isn't wrong. The biggest favor anyone can do for themselves is to not run head first into a relationship. Be responsible. And pick the right person (I know, that begs a whole different question, but for now, go with me).
I can't say I felt I had been the most responsible today, but I didn't feel like I had been negated either. I certainly didn't regret it. I cared a lot for Liam. Even if...
Alright, alright, I guess I should tell you what happened, and why today was probably a bad idea.
Over the summer, things with Liam had honestly been good. We had a lot of fun, after rehearsals, and work, and the like, just being together. Sometimes we were out somewhere, sometimes we were at someone's house, sometimes it was a party, or at least a whole group of us together; me, the girls, Liam, his buddies, it was a lot of fun. We laughed a lot, we played stupid games, wrestled, snuck into someone's liquor cabinet, all the stuff I guess teenagers did.
There was one party, in particular, where it all went south. You know the story, mom and dad were out of town for a week on a couples' vacation, leaving the kid to their own devices. So what do high schoolers do? Throw parties. Half the school was there, or so it felt. All types of people; the football team, the cheerleaders, other sports kids, the nerdy academic kids, the other "rejects" (as I called our social circle), everyone was there. And it was a blast. Someone had a fake ID and got a couple of kegs. Other people snuck in bottles of whatever they could get their hands on at home. Pretty sure there were even a few bags of weed snuck in too. I didn't try it, but I smelled it. It was the middle of summer, and everything seemed to be going just right. I was actually happy, for once.
Liam was even being extremely attentive. I liked it. I was thinking maybe, we might even...well...tonight might be "the" night. I had a good feeling about things.
All of that to basically say about an hour later, he had wandered off, which I didn't mind. But I did go looking for him. And when I found him, he was in the bedroom of the kid who threw the party, making out with the starting quarterback's head cheerleader girlfriend.
Had it been ANYBODY else, in that situation, I would have laughed. Hard. These 2 reminded me of Brittany and Kevin from "Daria." It was every stereotype in the book in 2 people. So seeing miss princess of the school with some nerdy guy's hand up her shirt would have been priceless. But once it registered the nerdy guy was my boyfriend, I was furious. I blew a gasket at them both, before storming out of the party, and marching off to my car.
The girls chased me out, trying to convince me to take a deep breath and not do anything stupid. Normally, when someone tells me that, I proceed to do something stupid anyway. Granted, my doing something stupid this time was driving to Ohio in the dead of night, half drunk, underage, pissed off and crying, and then getting myself lost. I sobered up on the drive, and managed to find a gas station to get directions back home. Once I made it back over the state line, and back home, the sun was creeping over the horizon. I guess the girls made it to my parent's house, worried about me, and had waited up all night. Dad was up too. Mom was passed out on the couch. At least she made the effort. I guess everyone was worried I was going to do something self-destructive (it's happened before). I didn't do that, but I did come home pretty exhausted, and mildly hungover.
The girls went home once they knew I was safe. Dad got me to bed, the crying, blubbering mess that I was. I knew Liam and I had our problems, but that...that was way out of nowhere. WAY out of nowhere.
I called him the next day and ended it. I didn't give him a chance to defend his actions. I don't care if he was drunk, it was still a dumb thing to do.
So anyway, back to the present, I didn't blame my dad for what he was saying. It wasn't some daddy knows best bullshit, it was truth. I was leaving for college in a few months, and I had my whole life ahead of me to worry about guys.
I sighed, and ran my hand through my tangled, curly hair. Dad was right...
"I'll think on it," I said.
"Good," he answered.
"I better go get on my homework," I mumbled.
"The homework your mother and I know you never do?" My dad teased. I laughed.
"Dude, don't have to go calling me out like that," I said.
"I'll pretend I'm none the wiser," he answered.
"Alright, thanks dad for letting me talk."
"Anytime, Doshi," he answered. I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and a hug before heading up to my room.
On the way back up, my mom was still yelling at me. I tried to tune her out, so I had no idea what she was on about. I caught her last sentence, though.
"And just what were you talking to your father about that you can't talk to your own mother about?"
"I was talking about Liam, ok, now leave me alone. I am done talking about it."
"So now you trust your father more than you trust me?" she said. Oh my god, why did my mom have to do this.
"Actually, yes I do," I said, "he doesn't turn around and use what I tell him against me to get what he wants like you do!"
I was done. I can be petty and angry. I'll bite. What the fuck.
"I do not!" my mom retaliated.
"You always do! I swear your greatest joy in life is figuring out how you can stab me in the back!"
"Eudoxia Giselle, you take that back!"
"Hell no," I said, "You washed up soccer mom. Leave me alone."
My mom started shrieking at me, but I couldn't tell you what she was saying. I started screaming back, until my dad and brother ran into the room, trying to separate us.
I know, be the bigger person. My mom was always getting under my skin, but I didn't care. I was having a weird day. I had a lot happen in 2 days, and I didn't need to be nagged.
I don't remember what was said by her or me, and I don't care. Next I knew, we were screaming in each other's faces, and my dad was trying to break up the fight. It was all a blur, I just know my dad sent me to my room, to cool off. I did as he said. I guess I was too mentally fatigued to try and fight anything anymore. I stomped off to my room.
I got there, and the first thing I did was pop in my favorite Beethoven cassette tape I had gotten as a kid. Little known fact: I'm a huge fan of classical music. Most people, not even my band buddies, know. When my parents had me in piano lessons, I all but worshipped Beethoven and Mozart. They were still my go to musicians when I needed to relax.
As I got the music going, I started stripping down to change into my pajamas for the night. I was tired, and frustrated, and just didn't know what to do next about anything.
Before I got dressed, I stopped and looked at myself in the mirror. Call this a vulnerable moment. Usually I try to come off as an indestructible hardass, but in truth, nothing could be further from the truth. Underneath it all, I really was just a nervous, scared, and insecure little girl who was trying to figure out her place. And one way that manifested was my looks.
Ever since I hit a growth spurt, I filled out, whereas others grewup. I had hips, an ass, and boobs, when everyone else got taller. I was self-conscious for a long time about it. Then, everyone else started to fill out and it all balanced. But then, after a while, it picked back up. I wasn't this...ideal that was being spoon fed to me of what I should look like. I mean I heard my mom rant and rave about her own looks, but when did I pay attention to my mom? Um, never. But as middle school progressed, I was reminded I wasn't some fit and toned, thin, and highly desirable woman. I didn't fit in with the pictures I was seeing around me, or the girls who had actual boyfriends, not my dysfunctional up and down relationship. I was different.
By freshman year, I was a size 12, and a C cup. Compared to what I saw around me, I was huge. By now, I was hovering between a D and a DD, and wore a 14. Even Liam said he preferred how I looked, to what was considered desirable. I believed him, honestly, until this summer. But when you have my exact opposite straddling your lap and leaving hickies, it kinda makes a person wonder.
I definitely wasn't very fit. Especially since I gave up marching band after my sophomore year. There went my exercise routine. So I had a chubby belly, instead of the toned and flat bikini ready body I "should" have. And it didn't seem that having bigger boobs was particularly desirable. The very least, didn't seem like many people were willing for the trade off: Chubby body with ample cleavage didn't balance out to looking like a fashion magazine cover.
Oh and...curly hair. The teasing and the hate I got for it as a kid. Just to hear now as I was getting older those same people wished they had my hair.
Two words: Fuck. Off.
I sighed, letting that moment of frustration go by. Back to the no bullshit form of Eudoxia, who really didn't have the patience to deal with any of that. Time to be the Eudoxia everyone knew.
I pulled on my favorite pajama pants and comfy t-shirt, and turned my music down, just in case. I pulled out the book I was reading, and curled up in bed. I checked my alarm, just in case I fell asleep while reading, again. I had a bad habit of that. I just wanted today to be over, after all the chaos I experienced within 24 hours.