Her

I wake up every morning with her on my mind, before I go to sleep when i close my eyes i see her curly hair and her bright smile right in front of me. When I dream of her and wake up to reality it rips me apart. I just wanna stay in bed and keep dreaming of her and all those things we never got to do.

But i gotta get up and work. Make money to go back, to the life I wanna live in the place I wanna be. It's hard to focus on things when you feel like you are in the wrong place, knowing that you won't be back home for a while. Back with the girl you love that is with some douche that doesn't see her value.

She probably doesn't even see her own value. But I do. And I know she loves me. At least that's what it looked like when she kissed me. It's just the wrong time and place right now. Maybe in two years when I come back for college it's the right time and also the right place. Maybe she grew up and started realizing how great we could be together. But that's a lot of maybes. Big maybes.

It gives me hope though. Gives me the power to get out of bed every morning and work towards my destiny. Eventually I'll get there and don't like it. Perhaps i just focused on the wrong path because I thought it was the right one. But I will never find out until I get there. And I don't wanna know if it's the right or wrong path because right now it is the path that keeps me alive and the one that keeps me going.

Sometimes i stumble but i will never fall. Not until i reached the finish line and can say I made it. I got here all by myself.
I can be happy when I'm with people, I just have to keep all that shit that pulls me down out of my mind. But when I go out and get home it all starts over again.

I get caught up in my head and let it pull me down. That's why I don't wanna sleep alone. That's why i need someone laying next to me in my bed when I go to bed and when I wake up. It is the only reason why I have so many different girls come and sleep over. I get sick of them. In the morning I wanna just kick them out and tell them to leave. They are just doing their purpose and help me distract from what makes me struggle being happy. I feel bad for them, a bunch of them probably love me and hope to be with me one day just like I wanna be with her one day.

She is the only girl I'm thinking of when I'm having sex with a girl or even when I'm just laying next to a girl. She is basically always on my mind. Her senior picture is in my wallet and helps me get through the day. Helps me up when I'm down, gives me the motivation to push through every situation. "much love to MY german" it says. PS: Don't forget about me.

She makes me laugh. How could I ever forget about her. I can't even be mad at her. I've been in love with her since the day I met her. And people could probably tell, I don't really care. But she said she never knew when I finally told her. She said, "you should have told me". After she kissed me before I went to the airport to fly back to Germany. To go back and not see her for a long time.

It killed me, just as much as it made me happy. I wanted to kiss her for 11 months, dreamed of her every night and then it finally happened. She kissed me. And left me behind with so many questions. But I guess it was a message.
And I hope in two years I'll be back and she won't stop loving me.

I don't even know why I'm writing this down, just to make me feel better or maybe to remember this feeling of depression, fear of future and frustration. So I can appreciate it when I'm happy and that I know it could always be worse than it is at the moment. I don't think I could ever forget how and what I feel while I'm going through all this.

No matter how much I self-medicate and try to think of other things, I will never forget. But that's good, it will only help me remember to be grateful for life and that everything turns out good at the end. Although some things may take a while to turn out good and may even need some time afterwards to heal.

My brother is on the other side of the world and can't do shit for me, all he can do is facetime me and talk to me when my anxiety or depression becomes too bad.
I may have to isolate myself and focus on me and my path before I can go back to normal.

None of my friends help me through this anyway, all I get is being judged and not understood. The people who care, understand and try to help me are thousands of miles away and can't do shit. And the people that could help me over here are people that I don't feel comfortable talking to. I love them to death and I wish I could tell them everything but I just don't know how.
I know it would hurt them and that's the last thing i want.

This brings my situation to a whole new level, because there are so many things that I need to take care of and I just don't see it happening. That gives me anxiety, makes me wanna smoke which makes me even more anxious.

I feel like an actor who got caught up in a role he doesn't wanna play. The role is my lifestyle over here and the play is my life.
I'm going through my phone looking at all the memories I made with my friends and my family in the US and I smile, it's only good memories I have.

Some people would be sad because the time is over but I'm happy because i got to experience all that, got to meet so many new people, got to make tons of friends, earned a new family, grew up and may have met the love of my life.

I'm thankful for the past year because I made memories that no one can take from me! You always have to push and look forward. The only time you should look back is to remember the good and smile at it. What's even more important is to not step back, never fall back into old habits.

Everything happens for a reason.