A poem to my mother

Mom, how do I tell you that you make me want to kill myself without sounding like a horrible child
Mom, how do I tell you that I love you even though in my head I am yelling
In my head you are keeping me here against my will
In my mind these leather bindings that are your intentions and words are keeping me away from myself
When I say that all my problems are my fault I don't believe myself
Yet I tell you that because I want you to not understand
When I tell myself that I'll be okay I feel the lie creep throughout my body, slithering under my skin, yearning to rip through my being and tell you that I am not okay
Mom, how do I tell you that you make the end seem so sweet
The end is my vacation, it isn't something I strive for, yet it's the final destination that all roads lead to
How do I tell you that I care when all I'm able to think about is how trapped I feel in my mind
How do I talk to you?
How do I talk to you without sounding selfish
How do I tell you that I love you when I want to live alone
Me being here means that I have given up
And now all that's on my mind is how I can hurt myself without anyone suspecting that I wanted the pain
I welcome the pain
I want to get hurt mom
I want to get hurt in a way I can't recover from until I have scars running down my body
Until that emergency exit sign lights up on the plane and I jump
Mom, me being here isn't a solution
It's a problem
Mom...how do I tell you the number of these poems I've written?