Looking For "the ugly"

I was on a caregiving assignment about five hours ago. I am never sure about a new situation. I was called my agency to go about thirty miles from where I lived to Edinboro, a place where I worked with another fellow not more than a half mile away. I arrived early perusual. I went to the library and was able to retrieve an article that I wrote that was in the Erie Times newspaper. I still had about twenty minutes before it was time to begin my assignment and shot some baskets at a nearby basketball hoop. This is one of my favorite things to do in my spare time when summer hits. I shoot from the foul line and on the perimeters. It keeps me young.

I went up to the door of man's apartment and the door was wide open. There were cigarettes strewn everywhere. The smell was enough to set off my asthma. I thought they knew better. I guess not.(I never feel comfortable in these situations). I called the agency and everyone was in a meeting. I decided to go into the apartment and sure enough man was sleeping in his bed. His urinal was filled. I emptied it. I introduced myself to man who was half asleep just to let him know I had arrived. He went back to sleep. I looked around his apartment while I waited for him to stir. Part of me wanted to do something, but there were no instructions. Soon I got a return call from the agency. Joy asked if I could work Wednesday, Thursday and Friday with the same person the next week. I had not even met the guy. I needed the money and signed on without no knowing what I was signing on to.

I looked around to see what the room could tell me without being intrusive. He was very obviously a fisherman. There were pictures of fish and fishing gear in one quarter of his apartment, with a fisherman's serenity prayer. There was a very distinctive deer mounted with two hats. There was a music tape that had Willie Nelson on it. There was a big United States flag with the picture of man in the air force. In another corner there was a picture of a dog by the name of sugar. As I looked a rust colored cat I would later know to be Slyer came in and out of the apartment. Man told me later that was why the door was left opened. Well man did wake up and was not in any mood for pleasantries. "You have any quarters"?
I admit I did. I had been giving too much money away in a another caregiving assignment. I told him I did not.
"Here is three dollars, I need change for laundry" The phrase was laced with obsenities and in a loud tone of voice.
I was in a cowering kind of stance trying to hold it together. I had my Jesus shirt on, a light powder shirt that noted I was one of Jesus favorites. I don't think that helped what was about to ensue.
Where are your clothes?
"You dumb mfer, didn't I tell you to get quarters?" "Now scoot you dumb ass"
All the wile he was looking at a shelf of medicine labelled melatonin. I may have been better off letting him sleep.
I got his quarters. I recall speaking in louder voice thinking he might of needed me to speak louder and to be honest some was just plain fear. The guy was big with a bare chest, and beard that made him seem all the more menacing.
"Get my clothes" I went to places where he told me to go. He told me socks neatly folded on the couch needed to be washed. "don't wash the gloves". You can take the rest of the stuff off the couch. I picked up his knee brace and he let me know to leave that alone "it's clean, I have only wore it once."
I collected clothes and asked about some towels. He seemed indecisive about what to do with those. I went to get his detergent and could not find the dryer sheets. The next think I knew there was a volcanic explosion that was his voice. I felt trapped. He rose up as if he was going to swat me. "Get out of here you dumb ass." You don't even know how to follow directions."
I stood like petrified wood. "What the hell are you doing here, do you want me to call the police?"I dialed the agency number and let them know he was none too please with me.
As I was talking: "You are just like those Jehovah Witnesses that were here the other day". "They did not know enough to leave me alone."
I was promptly dismissed after about an hour. The agency offered to send someone else and he said no. "I only liked that big guy Jerry you sent the other day."

I left feeling ugly and knowing I clearly failed. I was too passive and no match for man. My display of loudness could not have helped. To be honest it was just ugly looking at ugly. My insides betrayed me. I had been through a traumatic experience of rejection, not more than a week ago and in the reflection man was saying what I wanted to say and yet could not because of the way I believed. So we both leave feeling ugly. Of course I may be projecting. Who is to say he felt ugly, just because of the hurt I felt. Looking at what it means to be ugly is discovering the sobering truth that I can not be prince charming to every man I come in contact with. In the process of trying to I become uglier and uglier and uglier inside until I am no good even for myself. Man has to deal with himself as much as I need to with myself and my guess is unless a wizard comes to touch man and I with a magic wand, neither of us will change the person God created us to be.