Melody Diary Entry #1

July 8th, 2007

Do you know what it means to realize that things between you will never be the same again? You talk, laugh and even hug each other, but something is different: you are not like you used to be near this very person. Do you know how it is to feel like you lost this person despite her being right next to you?

I experienced all those feelings, in the past two days or so. I spent those days having crises of sadness and crying, so I feel somewhat numb while writing those sentences. Let me tell everything from the beginning: The last memory of everything between us being normal is when she came and hugged me before a drama she had performed. It went well and we hugged and laughed after it too. I wish we could freeze at that moment because after separating nothing between us went back to “normal” again.
I don’t know what happened. Maybe if I did, I could’ve done something to fix it. When our group met at the dinner, she was ice cold toward everybody, but especially toward me. She didn’t talk, and when she did, it was to insult me or try to hurt my feelings. The night went on like that… I tried to not communicate with her and leave her alone to cool down. And, when I thought she did cool down, she said the words that settled into my memory to never go again: “I am off you… I was thinking of a way to tell this to you but… I am off you”

I couldn’t respond.

The next morning, she was gone and I was left with our common friends to wonder about the reasons of those words and why she was “repelled” by me. She was my roommate for almost two years, and we had hundreds of fights before this evening, and none of them ended up getting us apart. But, now without a fight, we were more distant than ever. I came up with thousands of different ideas to talk to her and express what I felt, none of which I put into practice. As a result, the day passed and we came to our dorm room without saying a single word to each other.

Next morning, I decided to take an action… I wrote an e-mail expressing what I felt and thought during those two days and sent it to her, who was sitting and studying next to me.

The sad part is that she didn’t even bother to answer.

When our third roommate came to the dorm, she pushed me to go next to her and talk through what is happening. I did that after a lot of protest and told everything I wrote into the mail to her face. She just looked at me, with a half smiling face, saying, “I can’t explain”.

That was when it occurred to me that it would never be the same again. She wasn’t even feeling a little sad despite my crying crises and hours of chats with others on what I should do. I felt worthless… I felt lonely, so lonely… I felt like I lost the person I called my “best friend” for the past two years.

Today, she talked to me as if nothing happened, as if nothing changed. I saw her struggle to go back to the normal.
I acted with her.

We both knew it would never be the same again.