The Nut House

After telling Maddie (almost) everything that's wrong with me, I feel more exhausted than I ever have before. I go to my room and close the door behind me. I lie down on the uncomfortable bed and bring the paper thin 'blanket' over me. I can't sleep when it's still light outside even if the room I'm in is completely dark. I stare at the ceiling and I'm alone with my thoughts and the voices. Some of them aren't too bad. I like the ones that can make me laugh and have deep conversations with until early in the morning. They say they don't ever want to leave me, but if I keep taking the meds the nurses make me take then they have no choice but to leave. There's no way I can't take my pills because they make you open your mouth and check under your tongue and everything to make sure you took it. The bad voices are slowly creeping in 'you know that you're useless and fat and no one will ever love you and you'll likely die alone.' I know. I have no choice but to believe the bad thoughts because they've been there for as long as I can remember. The only thing I've found that makes them shut up is cutting myself. When I arrived here I had a couple razor blades with me. I took a piece of tape and stuck it behind the blinds near the top so no one would look there. The nurses check our rooms everyday and take away whatever we have that could harm us but so far they haven't found my blades.
*Knock knock knock* in enters one of the nurses to check on me.
"How's everything going?"
"Fine, I'm just tired."
"Alright, get some rest. Someone will check on you again in a little while." She closes the door behind her.
I close my eyes and count to 30 just to make sure she's gone. I slowly reach up behind the blinds and feel for the piece of tape that should be there. I finally feel it so I slowly take it off, trying to be as quiet as I possibly can. Once the tape is off I take one of the cold blades and hold it in my hand for a minute. 'Do it. No ones ever going to love you anyway. You're ugly and worthless.' I roll up my right sleeve and press the blade against my arm. I feel a slight sting as I drag the blade across my skin and then there's the blood. I've always loved seeing the blood run down my arm and feeling how weirdly cold it is. I keep going until the bad voices in my mind are quiet. I sit there and look at what I've just done to myself. I grab some toilet paper I hid under my mattress and hold it against my arm so the blood doesn't get anywhere and no one will get suspicious. I wipe the blade clean and put it back behind the blinds. Once the initial blood is done coming out I go to the bathroom, careful to hide the bloody toilet paper up my sleeve. I start to strip and take a shower.
When I'm finished showering and criticizing every inch of my body I walk back to my room. I see Dianna sitting at the table where we're doing the puzzle. I decide to go and sit with her instead of going back to my room.
"Hey." I guess she didn't hear me coming since she almost jumped out of her skin.
"You scared me you sneaky shit haha. Hi."
"Mind if I join you?"
"Grab a seat. So I met with the therapist earlier today and she said I might be able to leave in a couple days if I keep doing this 'well', but between you and I, I'm worse than I was when I got here. I'm just bulshitting them so they'll let me go. I don't want to be here any longer."
"Enjoy the sun when you get out. I think I'm gonna be stuck here for a long time. I'm meeting with the therapist tomorrow so we'll see how that goes."
"Good luck, man."
"Thanks. I think I'm gonna go to bed I don't feel too good. Goodnight."
"Sweet dreams." I love her so much it's crazy. I never thought I'd fall in love with another girl. She's just so perfect.