They Come First

Your children come first,
At least that’s what I’ve heard.
But these tears
Tell a different story
As they burn my face, while whispering
“You’re second place.
Your mother chose the path
To love a man who
Can never be considered that again.
Your mother will never stay
In all of the ways that she should.
She constantly shows you
That she never would.”

But still, I hope.

I waited I year.
I never wanted to tell.
I wanted to be comfortable
In places I never was.
Maybe it will get better.
Maybe I can find a home.
But I was not dreaming.
I was not asleep mom!
I was awake!
I was not feeling things
In some sort of twisted dream,
Where grown men become monsters
And mothers were at there defend!
I wanted more than anyone
To be in a horrible nightmare!
But this was real.
And when I needed you the most
You were nowhere to be seen!
I was 11 years old.

But still, I wish.

Through everything
You still stand beside
A monster of a man.
If we were in a line,
And you had to pick,
You would throw out your hand
To someone
Who I can never look at again!
You didn’t do anything,
And you continue not to.
It is as if nothing happened.
As if it was a nightmare.
As if it didn’t matter.
As if you just didn’t care.
You say you love him
And mom,
By saying that
You are screaming to me
Just how much you don’t love me!

But still, I pray

I pray that
Someday
You can put your children first;
Where it matters.
You always left.
I was so alone
Until I was used to it!
You, the one person
Who cannot bear the idea
Of being left by yourself,
Deserted your youngest daughter!
Do you know how afraid I was mom?
The dark became my new monster!
I was 14.

But I have grown.
The grace of God
Has allowed me
To move on.
I have forgiven you
For something that
You are unaware of
Doing wrong.
I love you mom,
And I always will.
Sometimes in life,
I have to forgive someone for something
They were never sorry for.
And that’s alright
Because
,mom,
I am no longer the little girl
Who is afraid to sleep at night.
And I’m alright.
It still hurts sometimes,
And it always might.
But I have moved on.
I just want you to see
That your children come first,

At least, that’s what I’ve learned.