But anyway

Several years ago I heavily watched a variety of television shows. When I was between jobs for a few months I could watch a few seasons of a show in a week. I didn’t maintain that pace once I got a new job, but I would still watch shows for entertainment in my spare time. Until one day I couldn’t.

I was in the middle of a season of Burn Notice and Psych(which I like a lot) and at some point it became really hard to get myself to focus on watching any shows or movies by myself. Maybe I ended up watching too many things alone without much in the way of shared experiences in between. The memorable experience I have is being out with a girl and her trying to make the case that they never mention Baltimore in The Wire. And I didn’t argue with her on that, because it’s absurd and what do you even say?

I enjoy making comments and jokes during movies/shows. That’s only enjoyable if you have someone who’s willing to at least pretend to laugh at some of them and make some themselves. When I still watch stuff it is mostly animated shows and foreign language movies. I’ve found that they’re easier to view. It’s an additional degree removed from familiar settings. But anyway.

“This is an A and B conversation and you need to C your way out.”

I was at an Anime Meetup in Virginia when this was said this to me. It turns out some things never really change. In that same time period I’m at an Anime convention hotel after party near D.C. It turns into a drinking game game of never have I ever. I do not want to participate, but am cajoled into it. An attempt to come up with something good. A casual insult from some guy I don’t know, a familiar flush of humiliation. It’s not a world I’m part of. I will drive back to Baltimore alone.

“Well, why don’t you do ___” has become less of a question and more of an accusation in my mind. Why don’t you go out more? Why don’t you talk to someone? Why do you have nothing interesting to say? Why do you suck so much?

I am willing to overlook and explain away the actions of others. Most things have simple explanations. People make mistakes, misunderstand stuff, and sometimes certain things just don’t work out. It happens, and if not ideal, what’s there to be done about it at a certain point? I feel I have to be reasonable about these kind of these things. And at a certain point it’s just an instinctual response.

I don’t really give the same benefit of the doubt to myself. Mistakes are signs of poor judgment, misunderstandings are because I’m dumb and being terrible is just a catchall explanation for everything. Thinking of these things as I sigh myself to sleep and try not to tell myself I suck.

It’s a thin line that separates possible outcomes in life. Someone telling a different joke in one place, interpreting a comment in an alternate way, being a smarter listener. Who knows where any of that could have led? I have a tendency to believe I’ve done something wrong, even when there’s no indication that would be the case.

I’ve fucked up. It didn’t have to be this way of course. It’s a long sequence of choices building on each other. And so it feels like I’ve fallen behind for different reasons, never quite catching up. So much was missed out on, there could have been so much more. But of course there also could have been so much less.

When I was younger I imagined a point when I would be in my upper twenties, lower thirties. I imagined that I would be financially secure, maybe living alone. I would be stable. And that all did come to pass. I envisioned it as something I would be able to build on. The younger twenties might not be my time, but maybe when I was older. It hasn’t ended up turning out that way. But anyway.

Anger was a theme of last year. I think anger gets dangerous for those who feel isolated. When you are alone and angry, where is your outlet for that anger? Some people can work it off in a productive manner, but it just doesn’t always happen that way. I tried to get away from that line of thought. And perhaps I over corrected in a way. Now sometimes I feel trapped in a cycle of putting on a show of being reasonable. It doesn’t really matter what I want, or how something might affect me. I'll find a way to be reasonable about it if I have to talk to someone. Of course these are all just underdeveloped thoughts. But anyway.

I put all my hope in tomorrow
It’s gonna be great I can tell
But anyway
I see a new, a new day dawning