Why We Don't Love Loss and Grief

Let's face it; no one can predict life. The fortune-tellers have failed, let alone astrologists. It's difficult to believe in their crap. At least I don't. I don't know about.

Loss of a loved one is not easy to overcome. Life changes from what you perceived it to be. Keep reading as I share my ordeal.

I can still remember the incident, as if it happened a day ago or an hour ago; it is an agonising experience that we encountered as a young couple. It was the month of June, the year was 2004 -a Saturday never to forget. Even up to this day, it has not faded from my mind. Everything is still vivid in my mind. No one of us knew what was going to happen later that day.

At 0900 hours my wife Ednah bathed our three kids; a girl and two boys - Connie, Bright and Arnold in preparation for our short trip to the capital city for our Saturday shopping. The city was 30 minutes' drive from where we were staying. The kids were happy as they would be bought some goodies in the city including, crisp fried chicken, KFC. At least everyone was excited.

The kids were 12, 9 and 5 years respectively at the time. They were a blessing to us; many relatives and friends would quip, "You have wonderful kids, are they up for adoption." We were also proud of the kids; in school they were amazing. Their future looked bright and promising. They had a strong attachment to us. They would go to the village to stay with their grandparents during school holidays, as is the norm with other kids.

This part of world, June is the coldest and windy month during winter season. You will agree with me that when people go to bed early because it's too cold it's not a pleasant experience at all. The winter nights are also very cold and long. May be you hate cold weather as I do. It was not exciting, except the come together after my arrival for vacation from my postgraduate studies in England.

After shopping and having our lunch, suddenly our son, Arnold started vomiting. It was not difficult to tell what was going on. We rushed to the nearest Chemist to buy him something to address the issue. The problem subsided and we drove back to where we were staying. The boy was already asleep when we arrived and the mother just took him to bed.
It was late at 1700 or so when my wife called me to the bed roomed. The boy's situation had deteriorated; he was hot and gasping as if there was no air in the room. We immediately rushed him to the nearest clinic but the nurse on duty told us to go to the main hospital. We complied and I drove at a high speed to the hospital. As we arrived, the doctor examined him and asked us to go outside.

We became nervous and couldn't say a word. We just looked at each other in disbelief. The doctor came rushing; I knew that something was wrong. He took me aside and told me that our son was no more...it was like a nightmare. It was the longest night ever! This was a tragic loss - we had to swallow the bitter. Grief entangled us. It was anguish indeed. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross pioneered methods in support and counselling of personal trauma, grief and grieving, which are associated with death and dying. Her stages of grief model include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Sometimes "acceptance" seems farfetched.

As a behavioural scientist, I had to spill the beans to the boy's siblings back at home and provide grief counselling to the entire family. It was loss and grief. We still don't have the right answers as to why? According to psychologist such as Sigmund Freud, grieving and mourning have been considered as the processes whereby the bereaved person adjusts to the reality of their loss, enabling them to disengage from the deceased person and reinvest in new relationships. Life goes on!