Strife of Choice

Phoebe stared blankly at the computer screen in front of her. She rubbed her temples with her fingertips trying to stave off an inevitable headache. Checking the time on her computer, she sighed deeply and dropped her shoulders in defeat. It was one-o’clock in the morning, and she had to be at work at eight.
She hadn’t taken a math class since she was a junior in high school, and was now taking college math classes. At thirty-two, math was no easier than she had remembered it being when she was sixteen. The more time she spent on her classwork, the more frustrated she got at her inability to understand it.
“Fuck this. I’m going to bed,” she said aloud to herself.
As she shut down her computer her roommate burst through the front door, drunk from a night of partying. Stacy was also in her early-thirties, but could still party like she was twenty-one.
“You’re still up!” Stacy slurred her exclamation.
“Just going to bed,” Phoebe answered, closing her laptop.
“Shit, bitch!” Stacy was practically yelling in her drunken stupor; stage one of her about-to-pass-out-drunk routine. “You missed a good time tonight.”
Phoebe stood and gave Stacy a once-over and, unimpressed said, “Yeah, looks like it.”
“Everyone asked me where you were. And I told them – I said ‘Look. She’s an uptight book-nosed loser now. She’s too good for us.’”
Stacy was joking. She was always giving Phoebe a hard time about going back to school, and even tried to talk Phoebe out of it on more than one occasion. Phoebe wasn’t offended by this. She knew that Stacy was hurt because she felt like Phoebe was moving on without her. The two had been roommates for five years, and had since become close friends.
“I have math homework due tomorrow,” Phoebe said apologetically. “I didn’t even get it done. I have no idea what I’m doing.”
She knew she was talking to herself. Stacy was already blacked out and moving on to stage two: talking in a whiny teenaged girl tone.
“I miss when we had the parties here every weekend.”
Phoebe sighed. She knew that Stacy was trying to put her on a guilt trip. “I told you, I can’t have people here when I’m trying to study.”
“Fuck school!” Stacy yelled, her voice becoming increasingly whiny. “You don’t need it. All you need is me!”
She threw her arms around Phoebe and uttered incoherent words as she lost her balance and the two women stumbled into the living room. Stacy fell into the arm of the couch, and Phoebe pushed her away just in time to avoid falling with her. Stacy toppled onto the edge of the couch and rolled onto the floor, landing perfectly on her side. Stage three: find literally anywhere to lie down.
Phoebe grabbed the blanket from the couch, threw it on top of Stacy and placed a throw pillow under her head. It was useless to make an attempt to carry Stacy to bed.
“Good night, girl,” she said softly.
Stacy grabbed her arm before she could walk away. Stage four: fight the drunken sleepiness.
“Phoebers –” Phoebe hated that nickname, and Stacy was the only one allowed to call her that. “We’re gonna live together for the rest of our lives…”
“Probably not, Stace.”
“…and we’re gonna become spinsters together, and be the old ladies at all the parties out drinking all the young bitches…”
“Oh, jeez.”
“…and sleeping with all the young boys ‘cause we’re gonna be way hotter than their little girlfriends. Young guys love that shit”
“Sure they do.”
“We’ll be legends.”
“Go to sleep, Stacy.”
Stacy continued to mumble more about how epic their friendship was going to be, and for a moment, Phoebe missed the days when the women would throw parties at their apartment almost every weekend, and sometimes even strangers would show. It was always a good time, and it used to be that both women would end up passed out by the end of the night.
Eventually, Phoebe grew weary of that life. She had always wanted something more, but she never knew what. She guessed that she still didn’t know, but she was aiming to get a business degree and open her own hair salon and spa. Her long-time hair clients had always been supportive of her decision to go back to school, and she anticipated that Stacy would, too. She even hoped that her work ethic would inspire Stacy to do something with her own life as well.
Instead, Stacy was left feeling abandoned. Stacy was a lost soul and had no idea what she wanted from life. What else could Phoebe expect out of her, though? The two women had met at a party and connected on their mutual love of getting black-out drunk and avoiding responsibility. It was almost inescapable that the two friends would grow apart over time as Phoebe continued her education.
Phoebe sighed as she patted Stacy’s back and wished her good night. As Phoebe headed toward her room she heard Stacy say softly, “Phoebe, don’t leave me,” followed by slow, heavy breathing. Stage five: pass out.

“How are your classes going?” Ron asked. He was one of Phoebe’s regular clients, and had been since before she graduated from cosmetology school. He was an older veteran, always sticking with his tried-and-true military cut. Over the years, they’d grown close, and Phoebe typically confided in him.
“I feel like a die a little on the inside every time I make an attempt at my math homework.”
Ron chuckled. “You’ll get there,” he said. “It’s gotta get worse before it gets better. How’s your roommate doing?”
“She’s taking it hard,” Phoebe said gloomily.
“What do you mean? Doesn’t she want you to be happy?”
“She wants me to go out with her all the time. It’s like she doesn’t understand that my schoolwork comes first. I love her to death, but I can’t put up with her coming home drunk in the middle of the night and causing all these distractions for me. I don’t know how to say it to her.”
“You gotta do what’s right for you, don’t ya?”
“I suppose so. But she’s really important to me. I don’t want us to lose our friendship.”
“Well, if she can’t be happy for you, that’s not on you. If she was a real friend, she’d want you to do what made you happy.”
“I know that. I’m just trying to understand how she’s feeling.”
“Of course you are. You’re a good friend and a good person. But you need to decide where the line is between being a good friend and allowing someone to hold you back.”
“Are you saying I should cut her out?”
“Of course not. Try talking to her, let her know you care about her, but you need her to sober up and be supportive. If you can’t see eye-to-eye, maybe you both need to find new roommates. But if you really care about each other, you’ll always be friends.”
Phoebe nodded her understanding and sighed deeply. She knew what she had to do.
When Phoebe got home that night, Stacy was getting ready to leave for the night shift at her job as an office cleaner at the hospital.
“How are you feeling?” Phoebe asked.
Stacy grunted in response, an acknowledgment that she was getting to old to drink like she used to.
“Hey, do you have a second to talk?” It was difficult for Phoebe to make eye contact with Stacy, but out of the corner of her eye, she saw a nervous look on Stacy’s face as she answered, “Yeah, sure.”
The two women sat on the sofa and Phoebe took a deep breath before beginning.
“Stace, you know you’re my best friend. I love you. Please don’t be angry with me, but I’m moving out. I’m going to live my brother.”
Stacy looked shocked and hurt all at once. Gravely, she stated, “I knew you’d get to be too good for me.”
“Stace, it’s not that. You know it’s not that.”
A pang of guilt hit Phoebe she saw the tears welling up in Stacy’s eyes.
“Look, I just really need this. You know I haven’t been happy living like this. I’m thirty two and can’t afford to live on my own. This isn’t how I saw my life going. I want to get an education so I don’t have to live the rest of my life like this. I just don’t want any distractions right now.”
“I’m a distraction?” Stacy asked, genuinely offended.
“Stacy you came home at one o’clock this morning black out drunk. You’re constantly pushing me to go out with you when you know I have homework to do.”
“I just want you to loosen up a bit and have fun,” Stacy reasoned. “I miss hanging out with you.”
“I know. I miss it, too. But do you understand that I really need this? It’s time for me to grow up. When I’m done with school we can have fun more often.”
“See? You’re implying that I’m not grown up and therefore not good enough for you.”
“No I’m not. I’m saying you’re not ready to see things from my perspective. I think you need to figure out what you want out of life, and then you will understand how I feel right now.”
Stacy didn’t say anything. She chewed her lip and stared off into the distance, deep in thought. Phoebe knew that she had hurt her, and she felt guilty. She knew that Stacy felt like she was being left behind, and in a sense, Phoebe guessed that she was. She knew that in the process of bettering herself, she would lose Stacy. All she could do was hold onto faith that one day they would find their way back to each other.