Elf Team Six

Elf Team Six

         “Listen up, maggots!” Sgt. Noel barked, as he stormed into the barracks of Elf Team Six. “We are a go for 'Protocol Kringle'! I repeat, we have a green light! This is not a drill!”

         The members of ET6 looked around at each other, stunned. The words no elf wants to hear. Protocol Kringle. Santa has been kidnapped.

         They snapped to, and began gathering equipment, as Sgt. Noel continued to bark orders.

         “I want you to fall out in five minutes! Full snowflauge, and battle packs! Got it?!” He demanded. A brisk, “Got it!”, was the only reply, and it came in unison.

         Elf Team Six was the elite group of specially trained commando elves that existed for exactly this type of situation. When something threatened Christmas, Elf Team Six was the solution. Sgt. Noel had proudly served ET6 for twenty years, fourteen in command. He distinguished himself in the Teddy War, and showed great courage during the Robot Revolution, but this was different. This was no war with evil Teddy Bears, or sudden attacks by malfunctioning robots. Santa had been kidnapped, and he was sure he knew exactly who to blame!

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         Professor Frostbite lazed back on his ice throne, his gaze fixed upon the closed circuit TV screen he purchased from the Soviet surplus dealer. The image of Santa stirring about the tiny ice dungeon brought a smile to his thin, blue lips. He hated Santa Claus. He hated Santa Claus, and Christmas, and elves, and toys, and candy, and sleighs, and really just about anything nice, good, fun, cheerful, or Christmas related in general. Basically, Professor Frostbite sucked.

         His diabolical scheme to ruin Christmas had taken years to plan. Months of gathering resources, followed by months of recruitment and training, followed by months of construction and planning. He was dedicated to say the least. He was bat-shit crazy to say the most.

         One thing he knew for certain. The attack would not be ignored by Christmastown. He knew, even as he sat, staring at the Russian TV screen, Elf Team Six was preparing to rescue Santa. He knew it, and he was ready for them. He would give them a Christmas present they would never forget. Not for the rest of their short lives! (Evil laughter, etc...)

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         Sgt. Noel watched with pride as his team prepared for their mission. They were a cohesive unit. An elite group of elves capable of accomplishing any goal they set their collective mind to. He'd personally chosen each one of them.

         Cpl. Tinsel was his right hand man, whatever he needed, he could count on Tinsel to get it. Then there was Pvt. Jingle. He was like a son to Sgt. Noel, and always knew he was destined for ET6. Then there was Pvt. Snowflake. Toughest elf on the team, she was also the most attractive, a fatal combination. The last, and newest member of the team, was Pvt. Holly, the electronics specialist. This was his first mission with the team, but Sgt. Noel wasn't concerned. He knew every elf on the team was ready to do whatever it takes to get Santa Claus back from the clutches of the evil doodyhead, Professor Frostbite.

         He assisted as they loaded side blasters into the Elf-tracks. The vehicles were the latest in all-terrain snowmobiles offered by Elven Christmas Tech, and featured full Elven armor technology; making them light as a feather and sleek in appearance. It was also fully-loaded, front and rear, with Peppermint Blasters, the bad boys of Elven weaponry. The load capacity was unparalleled by any other other combat-ready snowmobile. These machines were an elite piece of badassery created for an elite team of elves.

         Once loaded, the members of Elf Team Six climbed aboard, and upon Sgt. Noel's command, let some snow fly. They were on their way. To destiny. To glory. To save Santa Claus and kick Professor Doodyhead's ass.

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         The team quickly made their way across the snowy landscape to Professor Frostbite's lair, located in the old abandoned ice palace. Originally, the ice palace had been the home of Elven royalty, long before the Elvish Revolution. Until Professor Frostbite took up residency there, and declared himself the rightful ruler of the North Pole, it had been abandoned and ignored by everyone except penguins, polar bears, and the occasional arctic hobo.

         An eerie calm had settled over the entire area, and the team barely encountered a single living being as they made their approach to the lair through a wooded area. It was too calm for Sgt. Noel. He'd seen this kind of calm before, and knew it was probably a trap. He sighed, heavily. If this mission wasn't a success, there was no hope for Christmas.

         “Stay alert!” He whisper-shouted to the team as they slid off the Elf-tracks. “Be ready for anything!”

         One by one, the team took their positions and made their way, on foot, across the snow. They kept low to the ground, allowing the magic of the snowflauge to do it's trick, making them virtually invisible to anyone trying to spot them from a distance.

**********

         Professor Frostbite tossed a peanut into his mouth and leaned down to peer through his spyglass at the tree line. He couldn't see them, but he knew they were there, and he couldn't wait to spring his little surprise on them.

         “Get to the side entrance!” He ordered, through a mouthful of peanuts.

         Upon his command, a small group of armed snowmen hurried from the room. He tossed more peanuts into his mouth, and continued to peer through the spyglass, still unable to spot them.

         “I know you're there.” He creepily sang. “Now come and get your surprise.” He added a few more peanuts, then laughed, all evil and creepy-like, as he walked from the room; then stopped and loudly coughed and choked on the peanuts.

**********

         ET6 moved quickly through the trees and reached the side door. Sgt. Noel first, followed by Jingle, Snowflake, then Tinsel, and Holly bringing up the rear. Everyone moved aside as Pvt. Holly set the charges in place, then with the tap of a button, blew it right off the hinges. Tinsel immediately tossed a smoke grenade in the door, and the team made their entry, led by Sgt. Noel.

         Armed with side blasters, the team had barely made their way through the door when they heard Professor Frostbite make his ridiculous demand.

         “Throw down your weapons, Dork Team Six! You are completely surrounded!”

         The members looked around, clearly a team of snowmen were facing them, armed with Soviet made snowblasters, but they weren't surrounded. Or so they believed, until Pvt. Holly turned, and pointed his side blaster at Pvt. Jingle.

         “SURPRISE!” Professor Frostbite cackled insanely. “Holly works for me!”

         Tinsel, Jingle, and Holly looked at one another, then to Sgt. Noel, who returned the knowing gaze. Being betrayed sucks.

         “Like he said,” Holly sneered, “You're surrounded.” He emphasized his point by jabbing the blaster into Jingle's back.

         The remaining members of Elf Team Six, lowered their heads in defeat. All, except Snowflake, who needed to see Jingle threatened one more time. Christmas was in trouble.

         “Come on, Sarge! Let me shoot ol' Doodyhead in the jingle bells!” Snowflake shouted, prepared to kick some snowman ass.

         “Keep your weapons.” Holly smirked in a half-laugh. “They're useless anyway. I removed the peppermint crystal from them before you and Sarge loaded them.” He made a shitty little face and Snowflake wanted to kick his ass even more.

         The dejected members of ET6 lowered the useless weapons as the snow-soldiers surrounded them. Without a word, they marched, following the snowmen to the ice dungeon, where Santa was presumably being kept.

**********

         So, that was some bullshit.

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         The ice dungeon wasn't called the ice dungeon because it was made of ice, but rather because it was a dungeon in the ice palace. Also, because it was cold. Santa thought it smelled like piss. Probably from arctic hobos, if he had to guess. Hobos, ice palaces, and pee pee smells aside, being in the dungeon really did suck, and he couldn't wait for ET6 to arrive and get him out. He wanted a shower, some warm clothes and a bowl of something hot. Christmas was tonight, and he needed to get back to Christmastown right away.

         “Santa!” He looked up excitedly as he heard Sgt. Noel's voice, and the adrenaline started to pump through him. He saw the snowmen following the team with the Soviet blasters, and knew they were prisoners, like him.

         “Thank goodness you're okay.” Sgt. Noel continued, his voice filled with relief.

         “But for how long?” Professor Frostbite asked cynically, as he brought up the rear.

         He moved through the group as everyone stopped moving, his eyes fixed on Santa Claus, the object of his hate and ire. He spoke as moved closer. “With you and Elf Team Six out of my way, Christmas is over. I will destroy Christmastown and rule the North Pole with an iron fist!” He jerked his head and body as he walked and spoke, as though his words were so severe they were jarring to say. “There will be no joy for the girls and boyyy-y--” cough, cough, cough, “boyy--” cough, cough, “damn peanu--” cough, cough, cough...

         Finally, one of the snowmen patted him on the back a few times and after a few moments, he coughed up the peanut.

         He caught his breath. "Damn peanuts." More breathing. "Now, where was I?" He tapped his chin, thoughtfully, then continued, "Oh! Oh, yes, yes! No joy for the girls and boys. Right.”

         He stopped in front of the dungeon, literally inches from Santa. So close, Santa could simply reach through the bars and grab him by his skinny neck. So, Santa reached through the bars, grabbed Professor Doodyhead by the throat and lifted his scrawny ass off the ground. A feat which was totally easy for Santa. I mean, sure he's a fat guy and all, but years of hefting that bag of shit up and down chimneys all night, while holding back a team of super-charged flying reindeer takes strength. Santa had guns baby, and he wasn't really feeling all that jolly.

         When Santa made his move, Sgt. Noel and the other members took the cue and sprang into action raising their guns and turning them on the snowmen who were looking confused about what was happening.

         “Their blasters are useless!” Holly shouted to the snowmen, who really weren't quite sure what was going on.

         “Guess again!” Snowflake shouted back, letting a blast go harmlessly in the direction of a couple of snowmen, who dropped their blasters after deciding whatever Professor Crazy-ass was paying wasn't enough to get shot over.

         Holly looked puzzled at the working blaster while the scene went from confusion to madness. Everyone arguing profusely, and profanely, about who was in charge, and who should be surrendering. Negotiations were brought to a halt when Santa tightened his grip on Professor Frostbite's throat, and Doodyhead, sounding very much like a frog, ordered the snowmen to surrender.

         Sgt. Noel explained as he released Santa from the dungeon.

         “We knew about your plan all along, Professor.” He said, assuredly. “We've been in on it since the beginning. We knew about Holly, the plan, everything.”

         “How could you know?! How?!” Holly demanded, as he was taken into custody by Jingle.

         “Easy.” Jingle replied. “The Soviet salesman worked for us.”

**********

         The scene was pure jubilation as the sleigh raced down the runway. Elf Team Six, surrounded by all of Christmastown cheered at the sight of Santa gaining speed as the reindeer hooves thundered through the snow. With each hoof beat, you could see the Christmas magic sparkling and swirling around the reindeer, until the entire rig was consumed in a shimmering cloud. The sleigh lifted, slightly at first, then suddenly, completely off the ground and raced out of sight, to the familiar joyous laughter, “Ho-ho-ho!”

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1994 words (including the title)

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Thank you for reading my story. I hope you enjoyed it, and will take time to read another!

The Blues Man  (E) Short story about a blues legend, written from the point of view of his guitar. #2103437 by Brick Chicken