dear mom

you use him against me
a reminder of how i’ve failed
but he is and will forever be a ghost of my past
if love doesn’t work, why try to make it last
so let him go and let me go

i want to breathe and i want to feel free
but with every mistake i make
with it you torture me
i’m locked in a box that keeps closing in
weights on my arms, legs, and lungs
sinking down, down, down into darkness


i’m on the peak of a cliff
and you’re pushing me inch by inch to the edge
my mouth, silenced by layers of tape that read:
too young to make your own decisions
it’s time for you to start acting like an adult
miss drama queen
stop saying you don’t care
stop eating
why are you ignoring me
stop standing up for yourself
lazy and ungrateful
im so proud of you
just leave

my head aches with the thought of having to spend another minute
with you screaming at me that i’m not good enough
stuck in a hell disguised as a paradise
with all the pain that comes none of it ever seems to leave
it only gets put on pause

they teach you about bullies in middle school
but how do you stand up to your own mother who insists she only wants the best for you
how do you “talk it out” when you don’t get the chance to speak without being threatened to have everything taken from you
how do you walk away when she has given you everything and doesn’t give you the chance to do anything for yourself

so what am I supposed to do when im lying on the floor of my bedroom sobbing because yet again your words have hurt me and i’ve been scolded for overreacting

sometimes i wish you would just hit me
at least it would be quick and temporary unlike the constant echo of the thousands of bad things i’ve been told about myself over the past 4 years

anxiety, fear, and guilt are my best friends
control is yours