The Light

Feelings are everlasting, but they can also be fleeting. Sometimes I notice myself giving in to my feelings and then question why? What made me put so much weight into something that simply passes? I then come to the conclusion that we as humans live solely in the moment. Our perspectives change constantly like the colors of leaves on a tree. Each day brings a new 24 hours that has the potential to completely alter who we are and how we think. In my opinion that’s a beautiful thing; if your life is heading in a direction you aren’t excited about, change it.

Reality is a tricky thing to understand. It doesn’t come and go like relationships. It is always there, either improving or deteriorating. I am now an old man who likes to think of himself as a wise human being. I once thought that my reality was set in stone. That it would never change. But now I realize that that thinking is naïve. We are the captains of our lives, and anything we dream of can be made possible. In a couple months’ time I will be turning a ripe 93 years old. My life has been a roller coaster of emotions with many leaps and bounds peppered in with a couple zigs and zags. I feel as though I’ve lived my life in one body, but have been multiple people. This is an unnerving inkling that has always haunted my very essence. Is the human brain really that malleable, or is it just my brain? Deep down we are who we think we are. If we think we are an angry person we exude angriness, if we think we are a happy person, our spirits are usually uplifted for no reason because of our own personal perceptions. Now what goes on around us is also a major player in shaping who we become. My life hit a major road block many years ago that disguised itself as a beacon of hope. Without realizing it, this so called beacon of hope sent me into a tail spin that utterly destroyed any relationship I had ever had. These are the nastiest types of encounters you can have. You feel as though you are invincible and in complete control, then come to realize in a screeching halt that you are lost and dumbfounded with who you’ve become. 93 years has put a lot of mileage on me, but it has also brought a great deal of wisdom to my wrinkled head. I am about to discuss a time in my life where nothing was going right except for, the light.

•••

The light beckoned me forward. Its image never leaving my eyes. I could feel myself moving towards the little light post, but mentally I wasn’t consciously aware. My body moved, but my mind was blank. I felt as if I was a puppet in someone’s cruel play. Nothing seemed to matter at that exact moment; I was full heartedly subject to the light. Past experiences and future dreams fled my mind like wild jackrabbits. I had no identity; I was just a human. I didn’t feel, hear, or think, I just saw. As I got closer, the level of intensity increased; from far away the light was only a speck, but now it became a small sun that radiated warmth. Suddenly my hand reached forward; I wasn’t in control anymore, the light was. Bright and inviting, its orange/yellow appearance encouraged me to seek out everything it had to offer. After what seemed like forever, my hand finally grasped the light. Physically, nothing happened, but mentally I was ambushed by feelings of great joy. My whole outlook altered in that moment. The trees around me weren’t invisible anymore, their green complexions exuded life from them. The flowers became living life forms that brought a sense of peace. Sounds of the surrounding forest became an exuberant orchestra that started to rejoice. In that moment, I was simply and utterly happy. Sight was no longer the sole possession of my being, I now utilized an array of senses such as smell, touch, feeling etc. I didn’t want to let go, but I knew the light was fooling me. This wasn’t reality, a distorted reality for sure, but not true reality. I wanted to latch on to this distorted reality and never let go, but it started to evade me. Thoughts of sadness began to creep though my mind. I suddenly felt blindsided by a feeling I wish never existed. The sadness then began to sweep over every inch of me like an immense tidal wave; I then let go. The trees lost their liveliness along with the flowers. No longer was there a sweet sounding orchestra, only silence. I felt empty once again. The light continued to shine, but it no longer entranced me. I looked around and realized a familiar reality had settled in once again. My eyes darted every which way hoping to grapple on to something that would take me back to the feigned wonderland. Nothing revealed itself. I walked off feeling disappointed, but hopeful in a way. Soon everything would be better, but somehow I didn’t fully believe this.

•••

I knew everyday the light regained its power and because of this I relied on it day after day to bring me the unimaginable happiness, even if only for a swift period of time. The light operated like clockwork; I quickly realized that around 6 o’clock p.m., it would reclaim its hold on me. This was life changing. Since I knew it would have the same effect on me day in and day out, I set up shop, as they would say, right by my precious light. Throughout my days I felt gloomy and pessimistic, but as time began to tick away and wind down to the magical hour (as I call it), my mental self began to spruce up. Life became joyous and hopeful once again. The magical hour would come, and then I would go into my trance. Then the magical hour would subside and reality would anew once more. This process repeated itself constantly, I was content with living in pessimism 23 hours of the day and then feeling on top of the world for only an hour. But as time wore on, I felt empty and lonesome. I realized nothing mattered to me, my surroundings were not changing, and I was allowing myself to fade deeper and deeper into the darkness, which ironically was being caused by the light. The light controlled me for 26 years. It became my sole friend and acquaintance. I forgot about my family and friends, and as time progressed (as it always does), they eventually forgot about me. 26 years is a long time. There are a total of 9,490 days in that period of time, and based off my lifestyle, only around 395 days out of those 9,490 days equated to happiness. This corresponds to be just 4% of my life for 26 years as being happy. But I didn’t realize what I was doing to myself at the time. When I was touching the light, that’s all I could think about and remember. It took a hold of me like nothing ever did or ever has since. To this day I still have a craving for it, but that craving is what keeps me away from it. I know what that craving did to me for years on end. When it grappled me, I was no longer a human being, I was simply an object for the light to manipulate.

Humans thrive on interactions with other people. True happiness comes from these interactions that then build into long lasting relationships. The light didn’t allow me to have these interactions; I was secluded by myself in the middle of a forest without the necessary social relationships that provide us with true joy. You may be wondering, what caused me to shut myself away from civilization for almost 30 years? This is a fair question that I still don’t know the complete answer to. Before the light, I felt as though I had nothing to offer to the world, to put it simply, I was lost. I had friends and family that kept me sane, but I wasn’t pleased with who I was or what I was doing. The light then came in to my life and dragged me into a deep obsession. Looking back, I now elude the light to a kidnapper who wanted to take advantage of my wrecked emotions. My soul seemed to gravitate towards it almost as if its existence was only there because I was. Nothing else mattered except that I got my daily dose of the all powerful light. I worshipped it.

You the reader do not know my name, and that is ok. All you need to know is my story, and hopefully learn from it. If I were to tell you my name, sudden judgments would start flying in left and right just based on how I am perceived by the outside world. Attention would be taken away from the story and would shift towards me as a person. The person isn’t what the message is about, the person is just a messenger for the story. For example, something might’ve happened to a certain someone, but that certain someone does not define the meaning of the message. Those 26 years of my life defined me as a person while in the moment, but now I am a different person in a different moment.

Lessons are necessary for growth; they teach us what not to do in certain situations. Hindsight is also a great thing, but it doesn’t help us out during the most crucial time, the moment. The moment is what life is all about. You can choose who you want your future self to be while living in the moment. Anytime you want to change, do it. Right now I’m laying in a hospital bed reflecting on what I have done personally throughout my existence. I have told you the story of the light because that was a period in my life where I wasn’t a person. I had no human feelings or desires. My mind was blinded by an unstoppable force that offered an illusion to fix my deep rooted issues. But this illusion was a façade. It pretended to solve my issues, when in reality it deepened my desire to become someone who ignored the real issues. I can finally say I am happy with who I am, and what I’ve become. My physical self may look and feel like 93, but my mental self feels like it was born yesterday. Everyday I am striving to become who I truly believe is me, and it’s a great feeling. As I lay in this hospital bed, I am starting to register that my time here on Earth is limited, and the true reason why I am writing out this deeply personal story is to have someone read this and realize they too, are being controlled by the light, and then really make a conscious effort to change their lifestyle. I must admit it was a difficult road to change who I was, but it was all worth it in the end. Live and breath in the moment, no matter what that voice in your head is telling you, nothing else matters besides where you are and what you are doing in the present time.

So I will now leave it up to you, the reader. What was the light? You know the answer deep down. For me the light was a temporary fix to much larger issues that went on in my mind. I eventually saw through the light and what it really represented, I hope you can too.