Kitten Trouble

"Thank you for joining us tonight as our program investigates the story the world is talking about. I'm Leslie Strand and our top story starts now."

"It's been three months since a huge meteor landed in the Arizona desert. A band of doomsayers drove down in RVs with their signs each proclaiming their take on the Earth's imminent demise. "Aliens will climb out of the meteor." "The Sun would be extinguished on Friday." But not one of them had a sign about the kittens. Nope. Not one of those .... folks saw this coming.

"There is no proof, yet, anyway, but how else do you explain this all starting on the day of the massive meteor strike? Just normal Sylvester and Garfield type cats having normal kittens that are now gigantic. We're not talking those big Maine Coon cat gigantic. No, what we have here are three month old kittens each the size of a Toyota Prius.

"At first, it was only in Arizona. Reports of "big kittens" was certainly not news, but then pictures started showing up on the cover of the National Enquirer. When TMZ posted a video that went viral, the world finally took notice.

Debby Leaping, of Mesa, had the first mutant litter. Fox News reported live from her property.

"It was a stray momma cat that was ready to pop any day, so I made her up a bed in the barn," said Debby standing out by the red barn behind her house.

"My grandson, Denim, thought we could sell a few of them, so he made that video that went and had a virus. Somehow Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus found me and bought two of the kittens. Then word got out and I sold all but Lady. She's more than I can handle."

"Our Samantha Jenkins met up with a California family with a dozen of these kittens."

"At thirty days old, these fur balls weigh 25 pounds," said Samantha as she stood in the front yard of a modest home. "They prance down the hall and tackle the youngest member of the Robert's family."

"Poor Samuel must wear his bike helmet in the house. He's only four and I think they think he's a kitten," said his mother, Amanda as she held Samuel close. "I know all they want to do is play, play, play, but I'm worried about my kids."

"Matthew, the eldest son, has 32 stitches on his arms from a playful romp with four of the kittens. Amanda and her husband, Phil, trim the kitten's needle like claws regularly."

"It's self defense. A normal little kitten could tear you up, but these are the size of toddlers," said Phil. He clips their nails in the garage on the shredded couch that once graced the living room.

"Mario Lopez reports from LA where a kindle of kittens has taken over a FIFA soccer championship."

"That's right, Leslie. Here on Telemucho Field a group of kittens joined the LA Lions and Phoenix Fire soccer game," said Mario as he stood on the soccer field. "Apparently the bright yellow soccer ball was too much for them to resist. Our Los Angeles affiliate recorded this footage showing eight to ten kittens about the size of Mini Coopers taking over the game.

"One of the officials had to be taken to the hospital with minor injuries when the lead referee tried to take the ball from an orange tabby. As you can see here, the kitten, for the lack of a better word, arches her back and prances right into a group, knocking down the line judge and nearly drowning the man with Gatorade.

"The game was suspended when herding the cats off the field was unsuccessful. The game official is expected to fully recover. Back to you, Leslie."

"Thank you, Mario. It's that kind of footage that has Don Rump concerned about not only America, but about the world," said Leslie.

"As we reported earlier, Lady is a typical kitten. Curious and playful. But at three months old, the fluffy ball of fur weighs over one hundred pounds. When will she stop growing? Will she become aggressive? How will society handle these giant felines? Samantha Jenkins continues this story."

"Who is going to protect us from these mutants?" asked Don Rump. "Spend an hour watching YouTube and you'll see grandmas being knocked down, kids getting stitches, rooftops being torn to shreds by these things sharpening their evil claws. We can't allow this to continue. Mark my words, it will destroy America as we know it."

"Don is the leader of the newly created Mutant Cat Containment Coalition. He proposes to round up all of the feline population and send them back to Egypt where he believes they originated," said Samantha.

"Wrong. I know that is where they came from and that is where they need to go back to," adds Don. "We have Obamacare, Hillary's emails and police violence running rampant. This country cannot bear any further trauma. We need these pussies rounded up immediately."

"The ASPCA disagrees," interjected Samantha. "They want to protect these kittens as there is no proof they will grow to be anything more than an oversized typical lazy cat."

"You see, that is the attitude that has gotten us to where we are today," said Don. "We need to build a wall out in Arizona where this mess started and contain all these filthy felines before the country is overrun."

"In a statement provided to us by the ASPCA, they have stated that no good can come from rounding up kittens and that they will stand against civil or military action.

"Is this a losing battle? Will these felines become modern day dinosaurs that will take over the earth? Or will they simply entertain us with gigantic cuteness?

"That's concludes our coverage and we will be back tomorrow night to dissect the final presidential debate. Good night from our team," said Leslie.

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Prompt: Humanity is fighting a loosing war against a race of gigantic kittens who just want to play