Nightmare

I never thought it could happen to me, but it did. Now I have to go everyday living with that thought and the images in my head. All because no one cared about how I felt or what it would do to me then, there, or in the long run. Only if people cared about the after-math instead of what they want right now, or even think about the person they are doing it to. Consent is a mean word that comes to mind when I think about my past, I never had a say in what happen to me. The worst thing about everything is the fact I can’t live in this world and look at myself in a mirror.
So I guess I’ll start from the begin, and that is a long way back. I think I may have started when I had to fight for my parents to see me. In that way of saying the bullying had never stopped even when I got home. In my eyes and everyone else’s it seemed like there was no place for me and I could not do anything right at all. Everything was always my fault, even if I was not there. It was always me and I don’t know why and I guess that is what made it so easy to fall in love with someone I just met online. I had no idea who he was or why he wanted me but after all these years of being hated and alone it felt great to feel wanted.
However, that can blind you to what is really is going on in the world and who you let into your life and your heart. Everything goes numb, your feelings, your mind and what you think is real. Not until you’re facing the truth and it’s staring down on you as you cry and scream for help to wake up from the nightmare that is your life. Knowing you have no say on what is happening to you right now or what is going to happen. The nightmare is staring at you and now taking you as its own.
We all know that we can have more the one nightmare come and take our dreams. To the point where your day-dreams because nightmares as well. You no longer know what is real and what is a nightmare. The worst thing is when you are in love with 2 of them because you don’t know any better or know what to do, when you believe it is love. When it’s the only thing you have got to say is love ever since you were little, but it turns out to be nothing more than you being used for their own pleasure and uses. You turn into the victim of abuse and rape.
It was 4th of July weekend and there was nothing going on until I got a text on tumbler. Yes, from tumbler, it was from a guy that liked my page and said I looked like a cool person to talk to. Now for a loner like me that was huge deal for me. Someone wanted to talk to me, to me of all people. So yeah I got a text and it seemed to be going great and fine.
Then later that week he asked me to start dating him, even though he lives in Texas. I was so in shock that I said yes to him. So from that day on I was his girlfriend in a long-distant relationship. It was hard and it being my senior year in high school and having no one close to be there next to me.
Then there was the great news that he was coming to see me for a week. I was so happy, at the time. So got ready for school all happy and ready to finally meet him in person. The time came for me to leave school and head for the airport to go pick him up. So the hour drive later and I am at the airport with my heart pounding and my nerves shaking my whole body and my mind. Then I saw him standing there waiting for me, and this is when the nightmare became real but I did not see it.
So I got out of the car and we hugged each other, for some reason it was nice but weird. After we put his stuff in the car, we made our way back to my house. When we got there my mother was home so we just sat and talk for some times. Then it was time for our first date, will in person. We had planned to go to dinner and then go see a movie. Little did I know at the time that this night was going to go the way it did. Dinner was the normal first date up the movie was not how it should have gone.
He got our tickets, snakes and the drink, then it was time to go fine our sits. He wanted to sit in the back, I know that there was only two other people in the movie theater and we were the only one in the back. Everything was fine until I felt his hand on my neck pulling my face close to his and kisses me hard. Then his hands start going everywhere and I mean everywhere. Then he moved my hand to his crotch and then whispered in my ear, “I can’t take it anymore I have longing for you” then moved my head to his paints and I could feel his hand on the back of my neck. It was hard and tight so right there right then I gave him oral so he would not hurt me.
That is how the rest of the week went, me doing whatever he wanted and wherever he wanted. No questions asked and me not fighting him on it. The last day, do I was so blind I was sad that he left. To tell you the truth I thought what was going on was love and that he loved me. Witch after that week made me go throw longing to be near him and anxiety attacks that would lend to black outs. My blacks out where at random and wound come out of nowhere.
Nowhere, that was really apparent one night when I was a little party with my friends. One girl and two guys, we were close and just at one of the guy’s house. For most of the night it was all fine and we were having fun a lot fun. Then the girl asked we should play truth or dare with spine the bottle. It was okay for a few hours later I landed on it, I had already felt a little weird and could not focus on anything. The only thing I remember is a voice saying “I don’t like cheating but…..”. I don’t know how much time passed. All I know is when I came to his penis was in my mouth and his hand gripping my hair tight like it was a horse reigns.
The only thing that I felt like I could do was fight and how I got away was biting. He let go and I ran out of the house and my friends fallowing me asking me what happen. The only thing I told them was “nothing happen I just saw what time it was.” I smiled and got in the car and took them home. I made my way home and wanted to tell my boyfriend but he told me this, “look if you ever get raped, I am going to end this because I just can’t do that. Knowing you let that happen and you were no longer pure. How could I love that?” So I keep my mouth shut and told no one and pushed it to the back of my mind.
My anxiety got worse and my family life was not helping that. Whenever I walked into the house I felt the feeling of being hated by everyone. My own mother would not look at me and my father only yelled at me for this that I did not do. So that made me fall deeper in believing that the only person who cared about me was my boyfriend. Witch costed a lot more pain at home and when I went to Texas for winter break.
That break was supposed to be a nice break from school and time for Christmas but turned into a fight to be save. However, at the time I did not know that, all I knew was this what love is and everything that when wrong was because of me and me alone. The night that was really shown was new year’s. Midnight came and I was all lone until he got in the mood. He never cared if I was or not and he did not care. This night stared like the rest until he got really mean and it hurt to the point where I snapped and jumped away from me. My wolf side came out and he was not pleased with that, I just felt his hand tight around my neck really tight and him saying “calm down now. I said right now!”
Then all I could feel was the wall and stares, he had thrown me across the room and into the stares. “go clean yourself up, bitch.” And next it knew I was up in his room and shacking as I held my self and got cleaned. He walked in and pushed me in the bed and laid next to me pushing me ageist the wall. I felt trapped and helpless, laying there ageist the wall with his huge body next to mine. I fell asleep shacking and my body hurting all over.
Only a few days after I was on my way back home. My family hated me and I just smiled like nothing had happened. Everything seemed fine until my litter from UNCG came in and I got in, then we did nothing but fight and over the worst thing ever. What he wanted to do with his daughters after I had them and will that was going on the black outs came back. The worst one was when I took a boy, who I thought to be my friend at the time, to the church up the road but instead of the church I end up at. I ended up underneath me and him fully in me. When I came to and figured out what was going on I pushed him out of my car and rushed home.
A few more weeks passed and I steel had not told anyone what happen that day in the car. However, I broke up with my boyfriend, my best friend was helping me see what was going on. The only down side to that was I thought was starting to like him. Then all new problems start to happen, like the dreams I would have when I was at his house and fell asleep next to him. They were always the same thing, that he was taking me in my sleep and making me do what ever he wanted. Witch no longer was a dream but a nightmare when I wake up with him doing what he wanted to me. I made myself believe that it was my fault and I should not be warring that or sleeping like that. Doing that I had to go throw three pregnancy scares and I always forgiven him.
This went on for five months, and I never once thought it could just all be because he was just using me. Well that is until I ran in to Justin. How I ran into him was online but instead of him looking for me he stood up for me and we just started talking. It felt right talking to him every day so when he asked to meet in person I am scared but at the same time I wanted to know if he was real. So we made a date to meet and when we did it just felt different. So I said yes to going out with him and how I am so happy and looking for help with my past. However, the most important part is that he has my back no matter what happens, I feel like I can trust again.