Quest to Ministerial intentions

I am passionate about trying to understand what God wants in any given moment. As a youth I sought my own paths in a private place. I wanted to understand for myself what no one else would share. In a scriptural sense I was like Saul before he saw Jesus on the Damascus road. I was passionate to see others care as I understood caring. It was as if no one cared but me. In Acts we read how Saul lead Jews in persecuting Christians until he saw for himself there was another who cared as passionately for others as he did without wanting others to be wrong. Maybe there was a such thing as getting along with others who are different. This has been a growing point for me from the time I came to Christ at the age of eighteen. In times past I found God's presence in the woods of darkness and desperation. Now I was faced with seeing the light in the darkness of people who were craving God's love. Did anyone care?

I was especially struck like a lightning bolt with the dissonance of this realization after I found myself in a state hospital as I prepared to enter college after a productive summer of recovering from emotional illness. Unfortunately it was not meant to be. I wish I could put into words what went wrong. I only know that instead of going to college to resume ministerial study I was put in an environment that stunk of failure and despair. I would rather die than be in a state hospital.

I look back sixty years and know that God has been at work teaching me and if anything it was at that state hospital my ministerial gifts of caring were forged. I feel bitter looking back. Why me? I was seen as a person of promise after my first sermon. I was certainly shy and my first year in college was anything but ideal. I lost my two room mates to their own religious Nazarene devotion. I was a Baptist who felt called and yet was not yet ready to announce it to the world in fear that I might be rejected. I was without any input given a room mate by the people that rejected me. He was very introverted, even as I myself was except his ministerial intention was more clearly expressed. I felt lost for the first time in a relationship since I saw myself as a "Christian". It was even worse when he lost his fiancé in a freak accident. I was beside myself. I called myself a caring person and was not able to figure out what to do. He eventually left, I can not even recall what that leaving was like. I only know that I felt shame and I need to show the world I cared.

I went into the next year and enjoyed a room mate who was caring and embracing of my ministerial aspiration in a respectful way. It would not be long until this relationship became damaged. In my Junior year I was in a ethereal state that I know now was manic. I felt like I was special and in that specialness, I should get whatever I wanted. I was cast into places that taught me that ministry was not to be found in my perceptions of what I thought I knew. God had much to teach me.

So I found myself in a state hospital. I met all the horror of what should not be and as I look back it was the place I first learned that God loved those that others did not. Who would let themselves come to such a place. I was being taught I lesson that I could not soon forget. God loved those that others did not understand. I was being taught during a painful time that God loved those who others did not seem to know or understand. I very infrequently heard from my dad and mom or Christian peers. It was a lonely world. The State Hospital was a holding tank. I rarely was in a place to receive therapy. I would be told I would never get out. God had a second opinion. My life saw churches and even times to care in hospitals. I am God's minister and pastor. That has not meant that have in any way been popular. I only know that from now on my life is an adventure to learn how to love those who might not know God's love otherwise. These are the people set aside because of disability or debilitating illness. It is only a quest. I can not say I am learning all that needs to be known and for the most part I am not asked for any feedback. I go forth into the world to learn about love. For God so loved the world!!!